Is lifetime abuse forgivable in old age?

ABSTRACT

Old age is characterized by reflection and a retrospective examination of the multiple meanings of various life experiences, including lifelong abuse. Forgiveness is found to have a salutary effect, especially for older adults. To understand the place and role of forgiveness in the reflective process during aging, we performed a secondary analysis of in-depth, semi-structured interviews (N = 78) with older women survivors of abuse. Inductive thematic analysis was based on concepts developed deductively from the literature review. The findings include three main themes: (1) The dimensions of forgiving: The victim as subject; (2) Being forgiven: Between lost forgiveness and hope; and (3) Self-forgiveness and the aging self. Despite the known salutary effect of forgiveness, we must consider that this is not a universally desirable process. We included the dimension of forgiveness in the study of abuse throughout the older person’s life course and identified further complexities in addition to the “forgiveness”/“unforgiveness.”

KEYWORDS:

• Abuse
• forgiveness
• life-course
• reflection
• self-forgiveness

Introduction

The study of lifelong abuse is emerging as an important theoretical and practical field, where knowledge from various areas of research -such as child abuse, domestic violence, and elder abuse – intersect (Kong & Easton, 2019; Miszkurka et al., 2016; Simmons & Swahnberg, 2021). Additionally, the long-term outcomes of victimization on survivors’ physical (Gordon, 2021) and mental health (Wiklund et al., 2022), and well-being (Domond et al., 2023; Fu & Chen, 2023) reassert the need for a life course perspective. The need for older people’s perspective in research on violence has also been recently reaffirmed in a study of the health effects of victimization (Gordon, 2021; Lee et al., 2023; Wang et al., 2023). In the context of elder abuse, the life course perspective is best symbolized by the “web of violence” metaphor, indicating an interactive effect among various forms of violence (Hamby & Mariscal, 2021; Hamby et al., 2018; Renvoize, 2023). In order to understand the web of violence – the interconnections between forms of victimization – it is important to explore how vulnerability to abuse in later life can be linked to earlier experiences of victimization (Hamby et al., 2016). One of the strongest risk factors for violence is previous victimization, which initiates a process of lifelong abuse involving long-term health outcomes of victimization (Van Assche et al., 2020) and increased risk of developing PTSD in the aftermath of a new traumatic event (Hoppen & Morina, 2019). The severity of cumulative experiences of abuse has been associated with incrementally worsening outcomes and polyvictimization (Nuccio & Stripling, 2021). The additive effect of various types of victimization is a better predictor of both mental and physical illness than any single type of violence (Simmons & Swahnberg, 2021).

The ability to forgive is learned, develops, and changes over the course of personality development (Ermer et al., 2022). Old age, when the willingness to forgive increases significantly, plays a special role in this process (Allemand & Olaru, 2021). Old age is characterized by reflection and retrospective examination of the multiple meanings of various life experiences in general, and life-long abuse in particular (Gabrian et al., 2017; van Rhyn et al., 2020). This involves questions about the place and role of forgiveness in the reflective process (Derdaele et al., 2019). The main purpose of the current study is to understand the place and role of forgiveness in the reflective process in aging.

Definition of forgiveness

There is no universally agreed-upon definition of forgiveness (Younger et al., 2004). The controversy surrounding definitions begins with the parameters to be included (Kaminer et al., 2000; McCullough et al., 2000; Younger et al., 2004). For example, Enright (2019) proposed a model of forgiveness which describes a process of replacing negative thinking, action, and feelings with more positive thinking, action, and feelings (Enright, 2019). McCullough and various collaborators have suggested that forgiveness is a re-direction of negative motivations, which is also accompanied by enhanced conciliatory motivations toward the transgressor (McCullough et al., 2000). Worthington et al. (2007) described forgiveness as being of two types: decisional forgiveness, which involves a change in a person’s behavioral intentions and emotional forgiveness, involving the replacement of negative emotions with positive emotions (Worthington et al., 2007). Other researchers explored only emotional transformation (Greenberg et al., 2010) or a change in willpower – “decision-based forgiveness” (DiBlasio, 1998). Thompson and et al. (2005) advocate cognitive views of forgiveness. -Another example of a contradiction in definition is related to the role of revenge in forgiveness; some researchers state that one of the conditions that enhances forgiveness is letting go of revengeful motivations (McCullough et al., 2000). Others, like that of Enright (2019), describe a moral development-based model, stating that the lowest stage of moral-cognitive development is being able to forgive, only after revenge has been taken (Enright, 2019). Similarly, the argument around the role of reconciliation is stated in contradictory terms: some claim it is indispensable (Sells & Hargrave, 1998, 1998), while others claim the process can be completed without it (Bell & Fincham, 2019; Fincham et al., 2007).

Forgiveness in old age

The effect of time enhances older adults’ ability to review their lives consciously and unconsciously, which in turn enhances the reflective nature of their experience. With an older person’s understanding of the limitations and boundedness imposed on their experience of time, they tend to create a significant “personal order,” which provides a sense of control, continued influence, and the ability to change and choose (Butler, 1974). Retrospection in this final stage of psychosocial development provides an opportunity to resolve personal and interpersonal struggles and conflicts (Ermer et al., 2022). The developmental approach to forgiveness in old age suggests that learning forgiveness comes primarily from religion or previous life experiences of witnessing forgiveness (Ermer et al., 2022). Although only 5% of the studies on forgiveness included older adults in their samples (Toussaint et al., 2019), an increase in willingness to forgive in older age compared to earlier in life has been reported (Allemand & Olaru, 2021; Tao et al., 2021). Older adults reported having fewer thoughts of revenge and angry memories, associated with enhanced control strategies for dealing with anger (Phillips et al., 2006). Moreover, older adults expressed lower motivation for revenge against people who had offended them compared to younger adults (Ghaemmaghami et al., 2011). A longitudinal study of older adults suggested an increase over time in the forgiveness of others and self, and in feelings of being forgiven by God and by others (Hayward & Krause, 2013; Krause & Hill, 2020). Furthermore, recent qualitative studies show that forgiveness becomes more important in old age, despite some continued resentment (Ermer et al., 2022; Prabhakar et al., 2020). Comparative research of community and long-term care residents shows that “as if” forgiveness was observed in older adults in nursing homes because of the helplessness and fear of losing respect. In family-dwelling older adults, affiliation, perceived harm, and perceived consequences of punishment were precursors of forgiveness (Prabhakar et al., 2020).

One of the possible explanations of age differences in patterns of forgiveness was provided by evidence from neuroscientific research supporting neural regions underlying forgiveness, including the lateral prefrontal cortex, temporoparietal junction, and ventromedial prefrontal cortex (Fourie et al., 2020). Neurological changes in aging may be a possible explanation for the suggested differences. For example, age-related dementia and Alzheimer’s disease may modify moral judgment and affect blame and forgiveness. Older adults with dementia used the information cues on intent, but not those on consequence, whereas young adults and older adults without dementia were more willing to forgive when the consequences were less severe (Decroix et al., 2021).

Another explanation of these differences may be attributed to the older adults’ insight regarding the time limitations and boundedness arising from old age (Allemand et al., 2012). As people age, their time reference changes, and they tend to focus on concerns related to the end of life rather than its beginning. For many, if not all, the future moves to the background and the past to the foreground (Eisikovits & Buchbinder, 2022). Carstensen’s socioemotional selectivity theory maintains that constraints on future time horizons motivate age differences in social preferences, selective deployment of cognitive resources, and engagement in prosocial behaviors, all of which subsequently benefit subjective experience. According to socioemotional selectivity theory, observed age differences in goals are less about the time since birth, and more about the time they have left to life (Carstensen & Meeks, 2021). With the sense of limited time, older people tend to become more focused. Therefore, time does not necessarily have an increasingly negative connotation in old age, but neither is its effect homogeneous regarding content or meaning. Research shows that older adults are more forgiving than younger adults, but regardless of age, those in a time-limited condition were found to be more forgiving than those in a time-expanded or neutral condition. An age × time interaction showed that only in older adults did a time-expanded manipulation lead to lower levels of forgiveness than in the neutral condition (Cheng & Yim, 2008). The effect of time over the years enhances older adults’ ability to carry out conscious and unconscious life reviews, which in turn enhances the reflective nature of experience (Gabrian et al., 2017). Life review includes reflecting, reminiscing about negative and positive life events, comparing past status with present status, ordering life events’ chronological dimension, and interpreting and framing one’s life story (van Rhyn et al., 2020). With the understanding of the limitations and boundedness imposed on personal time, older adults tend to create a significant “personal order,” which provides a sense of control, continued influence, and the ability to change and choose (Shmotkin & Eyal, 2003).

Dimensions of forgiveness

The following dimensions of forgiveness can be distinguished: (a) forgiving others: abusers or enablers; (b) being forgiven by others and self-forgiveness; and (c) being forgiven by God (Faigin & Pargament, 2011; Rudolfsson & Portin, 2018).

Forgiving others: abusers or enablers

Forgiveness is a known protective factor of mental and physical health (López et al., 2021; Toussaint et al., 2020; VanderWeele, 2018). People who are more inclined to forgive are less likely to experience symptoms of depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress, and even show a lower mortality rate (Kandemiri, 2019; L. Toussaint et al., 2023). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of forgiveness interventions in older adults from 1990 to 2020 shows that participants receiving forgiveness interventions reported lower depression, stress, and anger, and enhanced life satisfaction, subjective happiness, and psychological wellbeing (López et al., 2021). Granting forgiveness alters physiology: blood pressure is lowered, heart rate decreases, and skin conductance changes (Hannon et al., 2012; Lawler et al., 2003). Conditional forgiveness of others means that before forgiveness can be granted, the offender must take certain steps and meet specific conditions (Prieto-Ursúa et al., 2018). Such forgiveness was found to be associated with reduced risk for all-cause mortality and to affect physical health (Toussaint et al., 2019). Unforgiveness was associated with deterioration of physical health, including heart disease (Karner-Huțuleac, 2020; Lee & Enright, 2019), and psychological health, with more symptoms of PTSD and depression (Ysseldyk et al., 2019). Revenge can result in positive affect as a subjectively pleasant state, but it was also associated with poor sleep quality (Chester & Dzierzewski, 2020) and increased physiological reactivity, which may indicate an adaptive (in the short term) or maladaptive (in the long term) response, with the latter potentially resulting in greater distress over time (Ysseldyk et al., 2019).

Forgiveness is a complex phenomenon that depends on personal traits, for example, self-esteem (Cabras et al., 2022), the relationship with the abuser (Dewitte et al., 2021), and the severity of the transgression (Côté et al., 2022). Moreover, it may turn out to have no positive health effect, and may even pose additional risks (Cowden et al., 2019). Forgiveness may also be a possible reason for the perpetuation of the abuse. McNulty and colleagues published studies showing that forgiveness can have negative consequences in committed relationships (McNulty, 2010; Russell et al., 2018), and forgiving offenders can lead them to re-offend. Consistent with the idea that forgiveness may be associated with transgressors’ tendency to offend, analyses indicated that forgiveness may temporarily alleviate violence, which may subsequently recur (McNulty, 2011). Longitudinal research of married couples shows that greater self-reported tendencies to forgive were associated with continued verbal and physical aggression, reported by the partner over the subsequent four years, whereas lower self-reported tendencies to forgive were associated with declines in both forms of aggression. This association remained significant after controlling for multiple variables (e.g., marital satisfaction, levels of partner aggression, and attachment security; McNulty, 2019). A study designed to evaluate the role of forgiveness in women’s intentions to return to their partners from a shelter for survivors of domestic violence shows that forgiveness of the partner predicted intention to return over and above the other variables studied (Gordon et al., 2004). Similar to physical pain, unforgiveness creates an undesirable psychological state that motivates avoidance processes to help individuals leave and avoid situations that cause harm (McNulty, 2019). Moderately increased stress reactivity can help survivors contend with ongoing abuse in the short term, provided they are able to escape or end the abuse before the long-term consequences of heightened reactivity take hold (McEwen, 2012).

In older adults who were more likely to forgive their transgressors, experiencing a more severe transgression was associated with worsening health status (Webster et al., 2020). Another study (Cowden et al., 2019) measured decisional forgiveness (the decision to reduce negative behavioral intentions toward the transgressor) and emotional forgiveness (the reduction of negative emotions and possibly the enhancement of positive emotions toward a transgressor) separately. This study found that a high level of emotional forgiveness and higher levels of abuse increased the risk of distress because of the incongruence between perpetrators’ post-transgression attempts at relationship reconstruction and the survivors’ efforts to resolve emotional unforgiveness (Cowden et al., 2019). Forgiving as a response to social pressure or religious norms (expectational forgiveness) is potentially traumatic. For example, expectational forgiveness takes place when religious leaders push for immediate forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust between the abuser and the survivor (McDugal & Behel, 2021).

Forgiveness of the enabler

Most studies are focused on whether to forgive the perpetrator, but some explore forgiving the enabler of the abuse and/or those who passively witness violence without taking any stance on it. Double abuse occurs when the individuals in power have the opportunity to report or end it, but choose not to do so, or when well-meaning helpers unwittingly offer harmful, damaging advice that worsens the survivors’ situation or endangers their safety (Cooper-White, 2012; Tracy, 1999). The “enablers of abuse” could be family members, in particular mothers, adult children, and siblings. They, themselves, may or may not also be survivors of abuse. Other types of enablers are significant persons, for example, religious leaders and childcare professionals. While there is little research on forgiving those who enabled the violence, there are research results as to the positive effect of family reunification following violence, if the violence stopped (Stansfield et al., 2022).

Witnessing violence in childhood is associated with lower self-esteem, low grade point average, and an increase in the number of school absences (Hurt et al., 2001). Long-term outcomes include drug use, social anxiety, depressive symptoms, and decline in school engagement (Janosz et al., 2018). Witnessing violence at home may result in bullying behaviors (Lee et al., 2022) and physical aggression (Farrell et al., 2020), and may shape an abusive personality (Dutton, 2000). The negative effect of exposure to violence was also found in a sample of adults. Exposure to gun violence fatalities in adults resulted in significantly higher levels of psychological distress, depression, suicidal ideation, and psychotic experiences than in those who were not exposed to such violence (Smith et al., 2020). Exposure to work-related violence was found to be significantly associated with depressive and anxiety symptoms, burnout, psychological distress, and risk of sleep disturbances (Rudkjoebing et al., 2020).

There is evidence supporting the harmful transgenerational health effects of witnessing violence: past exposure of parents to violence affected their children’s health (Forke et al., 2019). Forgiveness can mediate witnessing violence and its negative outcomes. Witnessing violence was associated with higher depressive symptoms and PTSD (Jocson et al., 2020). The forgiving of parents (mothers) by children for having to witness domestic violence was found to serve as a protective factor against the intergenerational transmission of violence (Jocson et al., 2020).

Being forgiven by others and self-forgiveness

Another dimension of forgiveness (or unforgiveness) involves other people, society, and the community. The older person needs and expects forgiveness from other people, particularly children and family, and hopes for reconciliation with them (Zrihan Weitzman et al., 2016). Older adults who participated in criminalized or stigmatized activities experience a lack of tolerance, an attitude of contempt and disrespect, exclusion, and social rejection in most areas of life (Avieli et al., 2023). Survivors of lifelong abuse often experience a sense of a ruined and wasted life arising from neglecting their children because of the violence. The hope that the family will understand and forgive is associated with the guilt and shame derived from the way survivors lived their lives, and the sense of loneliness involved. Seeking forgiveness from others often occurs within a religious context because religion, especially Christianity, provides a language and narrative of forgiveness with emotions of hope, sorrow, prayer, and peace (Smith, 2019).

Self-forgiveness definitions highlight self-love, self-respect despite one’s transgressions, goodwill toward oneself, attainment of independence from wrongdoings, restoring self-respect, and nurturing qualities like self-acceptance, self-compassion, and generosity, and relinquishing self-resentment (Hall & Fincham, 2005). Self-forgiveness in old age is perceived as a first step toward the formation of a new identity (Ingersoll-Dayton & Krause, 2005). A recent systematic review shows that higher self-compassion and self-forgiveness are associated with lower levels of self-harm and suicidal ideation, and they may alter the relationship between negative life events and self-harm (Cleare et al., 2019). Exploration of the association between self-criticism, self-acceptance, and self-efficacy as they relate to PTSD in abused women indicated that self-criticism was indirectly associated with more severe PTSD and with lower self-acceptance (Crapolicchio et al., 2021). Research on self-forgiveness among child sexual abuse survivors in adulthood showed a stronger relationship with life satisfaction than forgiveness by others, indicating that self-acceptance is an important mental health factor often overlooked in previous work on forgiveness (Morton et al., 2019).

Being forgiven by god

Traditionally, older people are believed to be more religious than their younger counterparts, and there are compelling social and psychological explanations for this phenomenon (Coleman et al., 2011). Religious guidance and leadership are commonly regarded as an appropriate role for individuals of advanced age. This is also tied to the common belief that spirituality rather than material pursuits is one of the characteristics of old age (Coleman et al., 2011). While numerous studies indicate a decline in religiosity in Western countries, a study conducted in the United States suggests that, while overall religiosity is waning, older individuals are less affected by this trend and tend to maintain higher levels of religiosity compared to their younger counterparts (Cooperman et al., 2015).

The accumulation of life experiences and a growing awareness of mortality tend to encourage deeper contemplation of the meaning of life and death. Traditional cultures have historically entrusted older members with the responsibility of safeguarding the spiritual values and beliefs that sustain their communities, particularly during times of crisis (Coleman et al., 2011). Religion can thus bestow upon older individuals a significant social role, which in turn, enhances their sense of generativity and, consequently, positively impacts their mental health (O’Hanlon & Coleman, 2004). A secure attachment to God has been linked to increased optimism and self-esteem, while feelings of forgiveness from God have been associated with improved psychological well-being (Kent et al., 2018).

However, it is important to note that the role of religion in later life exhibits significant diversity across different religions, cultures, and countries (Mattis, 2023). For instance, research indicates that the United States maintains a substantially higher level of religiosity compared to much of Western Europe (Coleman et al., 2016). Muslim culture is characterized by high levels of religiosity among older adults (Baeke et al., 2012). Additionally, the changes in the role of religion in older adults vary across different age cohorts (McFadden, 2005) and gender (Coleman et al., 2011).

The connection to religion in old age is intensified consigning the complex issues of forgiveness involving sin, remorse, and authenticity, to the dialogue with God (Baeke et al., 2012). Such dialogue has been known as a source of release for difficult emotions, allowing a secure connection with significant others (Kent et al., 2018). Based on the above, older individuals expect God to understand the circumstances leading to who they are and what they experience at present. God is seen as the last resort and Savior. He can provide hope and strength, as well as a path toward inner calm and serenity.

Research examined how offenders (i.e., death row inmates) seek forgiveness preceding imminent death, and found that seeking forgiveness from God for oneself is consistent with two religious coping methods: efforts to gain comfort from closeness to God and efforts to establish a sense of control over life (Eaton & Theuer, 2009; Foley & Kelly, 2018). Praying for forgiveness to gain comfort from God and closeness to Him is self-evident, but asking God for forgiveness to establish control is better understood in religious coping theory as a type of active religious surrender (R. A. Smith, 2018).

Some survivors said they felt God had a plan for them, and that the abuse happened for a reason. This gave them a sense of acceptance and hope, and encouraged forgiveness (Haffejee & Theron, 2017). Studies on individuals experiencing hopeless situations including abuse perceived spirituality as an avenue to meaning making in meaningless situations. Turning to spirituality appears to be an important path to healing (van der Westhuizen et al., 2022).

Summary of the literature review

A review of the existing body of literature presented different approaches to defining forgiveness, its dimensions, and specifics in old age. However, the interplay of forgiveness with lifelong abuse and the aging process remains limited and underexplored. Despite the recognized importance of forgiveness regarding the psychological well-being and health of older adults, there is a gap in research, and understanding the role of forgiveness within the context of the reflective process during aging and lifelong abuse. This study aims to address this gap by delving into the nuanced dynamics of forgiveness following lifelong abuse and its implications for individuals, as they engage in introspective contemplation during the aging process.

Based on the above, we propose the following operational definition, which we have found to be functional in examining forgiveness for lifelong abuse in old age:

The abused person perceives the experience of lifelong abuse as a violation of basic trust – harmful, immoral, and unjust. The survivor realizes the associated negative feelings (anger, fear), thoughts (hostility, loss of respect toward the transgressor), response motivations (avoidance, revenge), and behaviors (ignoring or engaging in aggressive actions). The survivor makes a conscious decision to abandon resentment and negative judgment of the other and/or herself, without renouncing the right to be resentful or hurt, and to express at some point a range of negative feelings and thoughts toward the injurer. The survivor fosters positive feelings, thoughts, motivations, and behaviors of compassion, generosity, benevolence, and love despite painful past experiences.

Method

Study design and participants

In order to provide an insider’s understanding of the place and role of forgiveness in the reflective process in later life, we performed a secondary analysis of qualitative data from previous studies carried out by the authors and their doctoral students in the last decade. These covered the following topics: (S1) older women ascribing meaning to experienced childhood incest (Gichaz et al., 2022); (S2) life stories of Arab women engaged in prostitution (Gnaim-Mwassi et al., 2024); (S3) family members’ perspectives on intimate violence over the lifespan (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2014); and (S4) a national study on battered women in Israel (Eisikovits & Band-Winterstein, 2015).

Table 1 provides basic information about the studies, the number of participants, their age range, marital status, and ethnic origin.

Table 1. Study participants.

	N	Age	Marital status	Ethnicity
S1. Older women ascribing meaning to experienced childhood incest	10	54–68	5 married	Jewish
			5 divorced
S2. Life stories of Arab women engaged in prostitution	10	42–55*	5 single	Arab
			3 divorced
			2 widows
S3. Family members’ perspectives on intimate violence over the lifespan	18	62–80	15 married	Jewish
			3 divorced
S4. National study on battered women in Israel	40	35–70**	30 married	Jewish and Arab
			5 divorced
			5 widows

* The relatively young age range of participants (42–55) can be attributed to the widely recognized phenomenon of premature aging among women engaged in prostitution (Farley, 2014) (Farley, 2014).

**In this article, the data presented from the National Study on Battered Women for illustrative purposes was extracted from the subgroup of women 65 and older.

All the studies were based on in-depth, semi-structured interviews that followed interview guides to collect life histories, significant life events, histories of violence, ways of coping, and possible forgiveness and unforgiveness. Interviews were audio-recorded and transcribed. We analyzed interviews using the analytic abduction method suggested by Charmaz (2008). Abduction combines the strengths of both inductive and deductive inquiry by reasoning from concrete data (like induction), but using this data to extend, refine, or refute existing theories or propositions (like deduction) (Halpin & Richard, 2021). From the literature review, we deductively developed concepts of forgiveness: “Forgiveness of others (offender or enabler),” “Forgiveness by others (people and God)” and “Self-Forgiveness” (Fereday & Muir-Cochrane, 2006). We examined and merged these themes obtained from the literature with those identified in the inductive thematic analysis of the interview data such as “Continuum from complete forgiveness to unforgiveness” and “Between lost forgiveness and hope” (Charmaz, 2008).

Informed consent was obtained from all participants included in the studies. To ensure the confidentiality of the information and the participants’ anonymity, we removed all identifying information from the transcripts and referred to participants by identification codes, which consist of the participant’s study number (S), interview number (N), gender, and age. Ethical approval was obtained from the host institution’s ethics committee.

Findings

Using the above procedure produced the following main themes: (a) dimensions of forgiving: the survivor as subject; (b) being forgiven: between lost forgiveness and hope; and (c) self-forgiveness and the aging self.

Dimensions of forgiving: the survivor as subject

This theme describes the process of forgiveness of lifelong abuse, that resulted from three interrelated reasons: (a) painful memories of negative emotions such as hate, disgust, repugnance, and revenge against the abuser; (b) commitment to values, societal norms, individuals, and social expectations (obligation to care arising from marriage or blood relations); and (c) change of life circumstances over the life course that enables the survivor to look at the abuser in a more or less balanced light.

These reasons situate the type and degree of forgiveness along a continuum from complete forgiveness to unforgiveness. The following excerpt illustrates complete forgiveness:

I was sitting opposite his bed in the chair and thinking … “He was a big, huge man with strong arms and heavy fists. Look what’s left of him” … I saw how broken he had become. He was cruel enough for a lifetime. But I still felt no anger toward him. I knew I had to remember what he had done but couldn’t be vengeful when he was in this state. I knew I should try to forgive him and take care of his needs. This wasn’t the time to do to him what he had done to me. (S4, N3, female, 69)

Reflecting on her lifelong abuse, this interviewee did not forget the suffering, but the incapacitating changes in her partner’s health led to the decision to prioritize her moral commitment and obligation, and to forgive him. The difficult memories were softened to the point of forgiveness. In contrast, the interviewee in the next excerpt is ambivalent about her ability to forgive her abuser.

I forgive, but never forget. It’s difficult, but I don’t have the strength to forget. I’d like to forget… He’s much better with me now, he’s trying, he’s really trying. Excuse me for talking to you about this, our sex life… He’s the only one who enjoys it. I cannot… I let him do it, ’cause I don’t want problems. He’ll do it anyway, by force … When he takes me to bed, I always see all the problems and trouble he gave me… I never join in. “Have it your way, but don’t expect me to participate. I can’t… When you’re with me I see the violence, the bad things.” He tells me to forget it, that it’s time to let go of it. I tell him: “You want it, take it, but don’t ask me for something I can’t give you.” Forgetting is impossible… I forgive but never forget. (S3, N9, female, 72)

This interviewee made a sharp distinction between forgetting and forgiving. Her description of the sexual relationship encapsulates the ambivalence she experiences between her commitment toward him as his wife and the consistently painful memories and associated hard feelings. The distinction between taking it or giving in sexual relationship epitomizes her attitude toward forgiving. She ended her statement by saying that she would not return to “togetherness.” She was vacillating between the “as if” forgiveness in the everyday routine and her inner experience of not forgiving.

A variation on the theme of the interrelationship between memory and suffering of violence and commitment to care is illustrated in the following quote:

I’m now taking care of him. He can hardly move. I wash him, feed him, and tell him what’s happening in the world around him. God punished him for all he did to me. He’s helpless. I cannot look him in the eyes. I hate him like in the days when he was chasing me around the house with the stick, breaking my head. I often think he’ll get up from his wheelchair and do it again. I hate his guts and I’m waiting for him to die. I’ll never forget what he did to us. Ruined my life. I care for him in order to feel OK with myself, but I will never, ever forgive him. (S4, N18, female 71)

This older abused woman cannot forget or forgive the violence and finds additional ways to take revenge. The roles have changed, and she spoke about him with intense negative emotion combining hatred, resentment, and a retrospective view of him ruining her life. Now when she was his only connection to the world, she felt that forgiveness was not an option. Despite the changes in their life circumstances, the power of harsh memories overcame forgiveness, but at the same time, the commitment to marriage dictated the need for continued care.

In the next excerpt, forgiveness is placed in the context of family circumstances and focused on the interviewee’s needs rather than on the perpetrator’s acts toward her.

People ask me: “How can you forgive your mother for letting the incest go on?” You must understand, I don’t forgive her because I’m OK with what she did, I forgive her because I need to release myself from revenge and anger. That’s enough … I can release myself, release and vomit it out, so I can take a fresh look at my mother and [see] the nice things she did … I did a lot of work with her. It was a process of forgiveness. I know some of the good in me is from her, she was a good person … at home, she couldn’t do any good … she was [also] oppressed … Today, I can talk about it, I can imagine what it was like for her, even feel some compassion… She ran off at 17 from her abusive father only to reenact everything again with my father … (S1, N5, female, 62)

This informant chose to come full circle with her past by forgiving her mother who allowed the incest to continue. She described an inner detoxification process and the wish to break free from the anger and hostility that characterized and harmed her throughout life. She retrospectively reviewed her mother’s grim life story, her disappointments, as well as her limited resources and capabilities as a parent. At the same time, she recognized her mother’s positive traits. It seems that the process of “vomiting out” her harsh feelings gave her the space she needed to start afresh, while simultaneously acknowledging the harm.

A similar process is illustrated through neighbors whom another survivor blamed for not acting, despite witnessing the violence she was submitted to.

They were living across the hall for twenty-some years. They must have heard the screaming, must have seen me running out, the kids hysterical. Never asked me what happened, why did the police come over, why I walked around with bandages all over me. Sometimes I hoped they would come over to stop the madness … When I finally divorced, they never asked, why. They just didn’t want to know … I was angry because of that for a long time. Then it dawned on me that they didn’t want to make this stuff part of their life … They have enough trouble of their own. I started to see them more positively. Say “hi,” and even wish them happy holidays. We went back to being neighbors. (S3, N5, female, 67)

Inherent in this woman’s account were the expectations, embedded in the survivor’s role, that the neighbors would not be passive witnesses to the violence of her partner. With age and after assuming responsibility through divorce, she was able to reframe their attitude, and through the increased distance from the events, she could expand her inner space and forgive.

Being forgiven: between lost forgiveness and hope

This theme illustrates the complexity of forgiveness where the victims are also the victimizers, and describes the hope and willingness of survivors to be forgiven by the closely related persons whom they victimized. This complex interaction can be arranged along a continuum: at one end, are the survivors who experience guilt toward those they themselves victimized and realize there is no hope for forgiveness, their only prospect being a dead end; in the middle of the continuum are those survivors who recognize the injustices done to the victims and expect only acceptance, not forgiveness; finally, at the other end are those who have not given up hope for forgiveness. The following quote illustrates the inability to obtain forgiveness from the children to the mother who was a prostitute and abandoned them:

I’m a terrible and cruel mother… When I finally woke up to reality, and thought about my life in old age, I said, “Where are my children? What happened to me?” It was like waking up from a nightmare … True, I brought four children into this world, but I didn’t raise them, I know nothing about them except what they look like. I gave birth and my brother took the baby right away and raised him. When I remember what happened because of prostitution, I want to die… My children hate me, are disgusted by me, don’t want to see me or even hear my voice. My daughter got married and I have grandchildren; she does not allow me to approach them, she curses me and tells me that I’m not a mother. I’m a prostitute and a drug addict in their eyes. (S2, N3, female, 54)

The informant focused on her regret and guilt. Her children showing their powerful negative emotions. She herself was a survivor of incest and forced into prostitution against her will, and then she was rejected by her children and perceived as a victimizer. There was no acceptance and certainly no forgiveness. She was labeled humiliated, and belittled as a prostitute and a drug addict forever, despite her successful attempts to leave this “career line” The gap between her and her children’s narrative proved unbridgeable and only grew with every encounter, making her feel abandoned and miserable in old age.

By contrast, the interviewee in the following excerpt, who was also a prostitute and drug addict, also abandoned her young children, but still held on to some hope.

My children are a gift from God, I want my children to be with me always. At my age, the most important thing is to feel like a mother, the most important thing every mother in the world wants is to feel loved by her children. I miss them very much, I try to buy them gifts and things they love, go with them to places they love, they don’t know about my past in prostitution, they know I used drugs, it’s too much for them to accept me and forgive me. (S2, N9, female 50)

This interviewee recognized the value of her relationship with the children and described it as a gift. With the importance of the gift came an intensification of the pain related to the loss. To avoid this, she needed to sacrifice her authenticity, build a false narrative, and attempt to flood her children with presents. Still, she was able to receive only crumbs of love and attention. Achieving a normative social identity may contribute to the hope for forgiveness and reestablishment of normative social relationships.

In cases of domestic violence, older survivors illustrated ways of seeking forgiveness from their children by trying to provide plausible accounts for their behavior at the time.

My children, saw all this, they grew up with him [their father] attacking me and beating them every time he’d lose control. He was that kind of man. He could be quiet, and everything would be normal and then, out of nowhere, he’d start screaming and hitting for no reason. I think the children can’t forgive me for not leaving him and saving them from this hell. As they grew older, they even asked me: “Why did you stay? Why didn’t you just leave?” I was afraid to leave. I was afraid that he’d take the children, that we’d have nothing to eat, that he’d kill me. I was afraid of my own shadow. I sometimes think the kids never forgave me for their childhood, for my weakness. (S4, N32, female, 67)

This woman’s husband abused her and the children throughout her marriage. Because she felt too weak to leave him, the children were both survivors and witnesses of abuse. Her guilt about this prompted her search for a plausible explanation to alleviate it. Despite her children’s overt forgiveness, she felt their rejection of her behavior, which in turn colored the family relations. The ambivalence between the need to be forgiven and her own belief that her acts were a result of weakness, and as such unforgivable, made her suffering continuous. She could never achieve the forgiveness she needed despite their acceptance of her narrative. Thus, she was a victim of her husband throughout her lifetime and remained a victim of her own guilt after his death.

The imminent boundary of the end of life acts as a catalyst for the thirst to be forgiven:

I remember all my life being without the support of my family. I’ll also die without a family. My family refuses any contact with me, I’m shameful in their eyes, a bad person. Now, that I am old, I hope they’ll forgive me and let me at least die quietly, die with the feeling that I have a family, that I’m no longer alone in this world; as they say … to taste and feel what love is, what warmth and care is, to feel that there are people around me who love and care for me. (S2, N10, female, 45)

This woman’s ties with her family have been severed throughout her life. Forgiveness becomes the quintessence of her emotional needs. She recognized that she was the source of much anguish in her family. Nevertheless, she still hoped for softening and openness toward her in old age. In her inner world, she understood that, as a former prostitute, she would be left to die alone.

The failure to achieve forgiveness was also attributed to cultural and societal attitudes:

Arab society looks at me differently; they say I was a prostitute in the past; it happens and can happen in any home … I have gone through difficult situations, so you cannot judge me, only God can! I was in prostitution … It is painful when people talk about me like that, but what can I do? Fight the whole world because they talk about me?. Arab society has always been and will always be judgmental, [the people] distance themselves from me, talk to me rudely, [I] feel pain and anger … (S2, N8, female, 48)

In her account, this woman attempted to bridge the gap between her deviant behavior (prostitution) and the normative expectations of Arab society. She experienced intolerance, disrespect, and rejection. She sought to pass on the message that instead of blaming women for prostitution, society should attempt to understand the circumstances leading to it. Yet, she found no willingness to consider forgiveness and thus she became doubly victimized, once by working in prostitution and again by being labeled for life as a prostitute.

The sense of loneliness, social alienation, loss of a sense of belonging, and unforgiveness paves the way to being forgiven by God – a last resort of hopeful dialogue and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Every night, I ask God to forgive me, for the sins I have committed in my life. I went through hardships, I didn’t want to be in prostitution, every girl who was in my place would have done the same; no one understands me, only the one who created me understands me. It was not in my hands… [I am] always asking for forgiveness from God. “Forgive me, Ya-God, it wasn’t under my control, you are the creator of the world, you saw what I went through, oh God, save me, I have no one but you.” I ask him to give me health and strength, so I can live what I have left of life in good health … God is great, and for older people, He is very great … (S2, N1, female, 52)

This person asked forgiveness from God from a position of despair. Her attempt to personify God by calling him “Ya-God” (a way of addressing a close person in Arabic) expresses a closeness, reflecting her belief that God was the only one who could truly see her suffering and all the misery in her life. In line with previous research findings (Baeke et al., 2012, 2012; Kent et al., 2018, 2018), personalized dialogue with God gave her the strength to express her difficult feelings and at the same time acquire the strength to face life.

Another person who worked in prostitution described her relationship with God on various levels:

I had this belief inside me that gave me hope … I didn’t understand what it was. It helped me survive on the streets … something strong that gave me the strength to survive. That’s wonderful, isn’t it? Today, I am old and when I look back, I understand that it was my belief [in God] which brought about the change in my life … this was the reason why I didn’t kill myself and why I stopped the prostitution and the drugs. Today, I strongly believe there’s a God up there, looking after me, feeling sorry for me … He saved me and this belief has never left me. I believe I deserve to have a decent life. I hope to leave this world after God will forgive me for the sins I committed.” (S2, N5, female, 42)

This person views God as almighty, and believes He gave her the strength and resources to survive. She believed it was God, who led her to make the change she was incapable of making alone. As such, God became both a savior and someone who watched over her, understood her lifelong suffering, and forgave her. The comfort she felt from God’s closeness returned her sense of control over her own life (Eaton & Theuer, 2009; Foley & Kelly, 2018; Smith, 2018).

Self-forgiveness and the aging self

The journey of forgiveness for a lifetime of abuse starts from and returns to the self. Whereas the previous themes addressed various aspects of forgiving others and being forgiven by others, the focus in this section is on self-forgiveness. Forgiving oneself can be conceptualized on a continuum ranging from total renunciation, due to exhaustion from a lifetime of abuse, to full self-acceptance and forgiveness resulting from decision-making based on strength.

The next excerpt illustrates renouncing self-forgiveness because of exhaustion, weakness, and the need to retire from the world to an imaginary quiet corner.

I’m very tired. My dream is to be in a forest, alone, without thinking … A quiet place, without worries, to live quietly… No violence, no arguments. No one to offend me. To have some peace and quiet, where no one can bother me. To rest, rest, and rest again. Under the tree, alone. Just fruit and birds … To enjoy the birds singing and the children at my side. I’m very tired. I got very tired. Fifty years of suffering. Thoughts I cannot forget have exhausted me … A nice dream. (S3, N1, female, 76)

This woman represents the first option on the continuum of self-forgiveness, expressing total renunciation, giving up on herself, preferring to breaking away from life as a manifestation of exhaustion after a lifetime of abuse. The repetitive use of the term “to rest” emphasizes the need to find relief from the inability to forget what her partner did to her. Resting from memories of abuse is possible only in an imaginary world. She wants no dialogue, no audience, except for a quiet, natural environment in which she can imagine another life.

Another step on the journey of self-forgiveness relates to the need to focus on the self, together with the difficulty of calling it “self-forgiveness.”

I feel bad about the 45 years that went by. First, I need to take care of myself. There’s no time left. I know it’s not too late. I can do it. Whatever is left of my life. I want to be able to decide for myself and do whatever I want … return things to myself that I couldn’t have. To have peace and quiet and do something with myself. To put my head on the pillow and not worry. I forgot how it feels to belong to myself. I want to be free. One day, it’ll come for sure … (S1, N9, female, 70)

This interviewee, who was abused both in her childhood and her marriage, focused on the need to free herself from abuse and regain a life which, until then, felt like a prison sentence. She appeared to have given her ambitions the behavioral expression of self-forgiveness, but she had difficulty carrying them out beyond the knowledge that they were going to happen. The abstraction of “one day it’ll come” is an expression of how far she feels from realizing her dream.

The next variation has to do with achieving or not achieving self-forgiveness. The interviewee in the next excerpt left the listener with a sense of “being on the road,” a situation indicating that the participant was neither forgiving nor unforgiving, where being on the road became a way of being in the world. Interviewees represent a phase of unveiling the contents of the black hole, such as accumulated lifelong abuse, which she had buried and believed could remain buried. The decision to unearth the contents requires a great deal of strength and courage and paves the way to self-forgiveness.

What I went through during childhood was my cemetery. The bleakest hole. You bury things in the hole and continue living, and carry this stuff around. Trying not to face the things, [you have buried]. Trying to stay away from them. But during times of crisis, in old age, things awaken… As if something went into a deep sleep when I was a child, and now in old age it’s all coming back Back to the threats, the humiliation, and contempt. Now I’m cleaning out the stable. The things I kept hidden … and the corners that I wanted no part of … I ran away. And now, at my age, I tell myself: “Remember everything you went through and get rid of that stuff. You deserve a rest and a cleansing … ” (S1, N8, female, 80)

As opposed to previous interviewees along the continuum, this woman not only planned but also decided to act here and now. At the age of 80, she described difficult experiences in the course of her lifespan, which she had buried and believed, would no longer affect her life. At her age, she gained the understanding that things cannot remain buried and are liable to resurface and need to be addressed. Such a level of authenticity is a pre-condition for the completion of the self-forgiveness process.

At the end of the continuum, self-forgiveness is expressed by inner strength, the ability to make decisions, and a sense of entitlement.

You know, when you get to my age you have lots of time … You look back on your life from a big armchair … [It’s like] a long movie: lots of life, lots of storms, and lots of events. Two husbands, three children from one, two from the other. Many years alone after losing both. I got loved and beaten, I gave all I could and made sure I kept some for myself. I was mostly honest and tried to help people, but I also lied sometimes and tried to get what was important to me. Now I sit here in this chair with myself and think about what’s left. I need to forgive myself. I need to say to myself: “You tried your best and you did many things you wouldn’t do now. I need to try to look at my life and forgive myself. To find some peace of mind. Enough storms.” I feel I need to forgive … mainly myself and not be so hard on myself. (S4, N15, female, 77)

This participant reviewing her life and the way she coped with hardships such as immigration, intimate partner violence, and loss, she clearly saw her misdeeds and her need to handle difficulties. Currently, she was searching for balance and quiet and attempted to avoid “storms” by forgiving herself for the misdeeds she was aware of. Her self-forgiveness is an effort to come to terms with herself, with a measure of honesty and pride, and to find satisfaction in her ability to face life honestly and authentically.

Discussion

Our initial question was whether lifelong abuse can be forgiven in later life. We find at the end of this journey that merely asking the question ignores the complexities involved in trying to overcome a life of suffering and attempting to cope with abuse and its consequences. There is no simple yes/no answer to the question of forgiveness. According to the life course perspective, the cumulative effect of abuse in every period of a person’s life leads to a complex and multivariate picture (Nuccio & Stripling, 2021; Simmons & Swahnberg, 2021). Survivors of abuse reach old age facing negative emotions prompted by harsh recollections of violent events and the involved protagonists. The literature connecting old age with forgiveness emphasizes the salutary effects of forgiveness and the damaging effects of unforgiveness, both physical and emotional (López et al., 2021; Toussaint et al., 2023; VanderWeele, 2018). Our findings indicate that this assumption cannot be taken for granted.

Movement toward forgiveness has been found to take place along three dimensions: painful memories with negative emotions, commitment to social obligations, and life circumstances. The first dimension, described extensively in the literature, including loss of trust and negative feelings such as abandonment and resentment (Ysseldyk et al., 2019), was mentioned by all our participants. The second dimension of commitment to norms and values was described in detail by the participants as having a critical effect on the extent to which their decision to initiate the forgiveness process was able to move forward. Old age-related life circumstances (e.g., care, divorce, illness) created ongoing challenges, ranging from total commitment to forgive the abuser, through ambivalence toward the process, to the point of the inability to forgive. It is possible to state that although we are aware of the salutary effects of forgiveness, we must acknowledge that this is not a universally desirable process. We must consider these dimensions over the older person’s life course. Therefore, in our analysis of forgiveness in old age after lifelong abuse, we do not suggest a dichotomy of forgiveness or unforgiveness, but rather look at the phenomenon as having different dimensions in its complexity.

Another issue emerging from the findings concerns the boundaries between the roles of being a survivor and a victimizer simultaneously. In old age, with reflection and an authentic outlook, it becomes increasingly clear to participants that at certain times of victimhood over the life course, they hurt their loved ones. Such double acts involve asking forgiveness from loved ones and attempting to be forgiven. Such complexities are difficult to handle in old age, particularly when considering the emotional consequences and the likelihood of being rejected, with the ensuing negative feelings. This becomes further complicated by the time limitations imposed by old age. Regarding this issue, the findings indicate a continuum ranging from lost forgiveness to hope. Lost forgiveness is not static and may lead to schismogenesis, a gap that widens without an immediate trigger (Denzin, 1984). It may lead to ever-increasing loneliness and raises the question of whether a correction in close relationships is possible at all. The prospect of the end of life adds further tension to the desperate attempts to be forgiven by those who were victimized on personal, interpersonal, or broader cultural levels. We should mention that the uniqueness of older women’s experience of forgiveness is affected by the significant changes occurring in their roles and positions in the family and society (Band-Winterstein & Eisikovits, 2009). It appears that many feel more empowered by their enhanced roles in the family, they are more open and willing to consider forgiveness.

The motif of receiving forgiveness from God appears in both the literature (Kent et al., 2018; Krause & Hill, 2020) and the findings of the present study. It can be interpreted as the ultimate failure and an act of desperation or as the beginning of a process of enhancement of one’s moral and spiritual resources. There is agreement in the literature that the sense of being forgiven by God is a promising, calming, and therapeutic resource at this stage in life (Kent et al., 2018; Krause & Ellison, 2003).

The self is considered a capsule of being in the world (Dreyfus, 1990). Self-forgiveness is therefore expected to reflect the challenges involved in the process of forgiveness for a lifetime of abuse. The road requires great strength and many resources, both individual and social. Our findings indicate that self-forgiveness cannot be taken for granted by persons who experienced the interacting effects of old age and lifelong abuse. We identified a continuum ranging from total exhaustion to full self-acceptance and forgiveness based on decision making and strength.

Implications for practice

Practitioners working with older adults need to take into account that lifelong abuse is associated with emotional and psychological burden. Understanding the “web of abuse” implies placing lifelong abuse in context and taking a systemic and interactive perspective concerning the life of older individuals.

While considering this complexity, the practice of forgiveness cannot be conceived as an “either/or” paradigm, but rather should be seen as an option which is neither universally desirable nor deniable. The practitioners should ask themselves: “Given the specific burden this older person has carried with him/her throughout life, we need to understand what the role of forgiveness is, what kind of forgiveness we are talking about, and under what conditions is forgiveness possible.” Such an individualized approach can be applied in a culturally and socially sensitive context and negotiated rather than imposed. Forgiving others and forgiving oneself are intertwined and both need to be addressed in the intervention. Finally, social and psychological support by significant others and religious or otherwise meaningful individuals and groups need to be considered as well.

Limitations

The present study aimed to explore the interaction between lifelong abuse, forgiveness, and old age. Triangulation could be used in future studies by participant observation or interviews with additional family members, such as in-family abusers or adult children, for an in-depth understanding of the family dynamics of forgiveness and the part played by the relevant family members/relationships. The present study focused on the experiences of women who, in most cases, were the survivors of abuse. Future research may explore how the forgiveness of lifelong abuse is perceived by older men, either perpetrators or survivors.

Finally, the participants in this study suffered from various levels and types of abuse: childhood sexual abuse, involvement in prostitution, the experience of physical violence, financial abuse, and verbal and psychological abuse, separately or combined. The differential levels and types of abuse may have an impact on the process of forgiveness. Thus, future studies may choose to focus on certain kinds of abuse patterns.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).

Data availability statement

The participants of this study did not give written consent for their data to be shared publicly, so due to the sensitive nature of the research supporting data is not available.

Additional information

Funding

The author(s) reported there is no funding associated with the work featured in this article.