Abstract
Objective: During my illness and transplant I experienced an overwhelming existential crisis involving a complex intertwining of meaning and body which was often ignored, rejected, or misunderstood by others and at times by myself, which led to painful feelings of alienation. My treatment and my own conceptualizations seemed founded on assumptions of a separation of body and mind that were not true to what I was experiencing. I searched for a more accurate understanding, which I eventually found in the writings of the French existential philosopher Merleau-Ponty.
Conclusions: Merleau-Ponty's extensive elaboration of the deep ambiguity of our existence as body-subjects provides an alternative model to those of the mind/body dichotomy currently in vogue in medicine and psychiatry. I found his writings a useful framework within which to comprehend my experiences. I wanted to write about these experiences and how they relate to Merleau-Ponty's insights because I found that those individuals who were able to relate to me at this level of existential ambiguity were invaluable to my recovery.