Asexual identity development and internalisation: a thematic analysis

Abstract

This study aimed to identify components of asexual identity development and internalisation in the context of an allonormative society, with an added focus on the intersection of gender roles and romantic identities. 99 participants between the ages of 18 and 72 (M = 27.97, SD = 10.36) completed an open-ended questionnaire which was analysed using thematic analysis. Four major themes were identified: being asexual; becoming asexual; intimate social expression; and internalisation. Findings suggest that the process of discovering asexuality and identifying with the asexual community is a common experience among asexuals, and is not dependent upon a specific sexual, romantic or gender identity. Moreover, the negative ways in which many participants understand their lack of sexual attraction may be related to allonormativity and the internalisation of negative attitudes towards asexuality. However, participants’ approach to disclosure and relationships, as well as their willingness to openly express their asexuality appeared to be dependent upon their gender identities and the nature of their desired relationships. Romantic-identified participants typically sought emotional intimacy and considered their asexuality to hinder their relationships, and female participants experienced greater sexual coercion when coming out. The theoretical implications of each theme within asexual identity development and internalisation are discussed.

LAY SUMMARY

The research outlines asexual identity development within the context of a sexualised society. Evidence suggests that while discovering and adopting an asexual identity is a common experience among asexuals, disclosure and how participants navigate their relationships may be subject to other features of identity such as gender and romantic attractions.

Keywords:

• Asexuality
• identity development
• internalisation
• thematic analysis
• allonormativity

Asexuality may be defined as an individual identifies as asexual and describes an “absence of sexual attraction” directed towards others (Brunning & McKeever, 2021, p. 498; Catri, 2021). The asexual community and those identifying as asexual are in receipt of increasing academic attention and are becoming more recognised within popular culture (Catri, 2021; Mollet, 2020).

The asexual population is considered heterogenous with a variety of sexual (e.g. gray-asexual, demi-sexual) and romantic (e.g. aromantic, heteroromantic, biromantic) identities witnessed among asexual individuals, as well as diverse gender identities and varying attitudes towards sex and relationships (Brotto & Yule, 2017; Brunning & McKeever, 2021). Because of this, asexuality is believed to exist along a spectrum (Hammack et al., 2019) with some asexual individuals experiencing varying levels of sexual arousal and romantic attraction towards others (Bogaert, 2006; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015).

Asexual identity development

The development of an individual’s sexual identity involves an awareness of the desires, behaviours and attractions that correspond with their sexual orientation (Morgan, 2013; Savin-Williams, 2011). For non-heterosexual individuals, this typically involves a process of self-questioning and engaging in non-heterosexual social and sexual activities (Cass, 1979), and may result in identity acceptance and disclosure to others (Rosario et al., 2006; Savin-Williams & Diamond, 2000). Moreover, sexual identity development may be influenced by both social and cultural factors, with individual components, such as age and gender, as well as group membership essential to this process (McCarn & Fassinger, 1996).

Similar to other non-heterosexual identities, the development of an individual’s asexual identity typically begins through an awareness of the self as different from their peers (Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Mollet, 2020). Moreover, the role of online forums within asexual identity development (Foster et al., 2019; Jones et al., 2017; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015; Robbins et al., 2016) corresponds with other models of non-heterosexual identity development in which the internet is considered a space to develop a positive sense of self and connect with similar others (Gordon & Silva, 2015; Harper et al., 2016; Pingel et al., 2013). There are, however, many elements specific to asexual identity development that may not occur within other sexual minority groups (McInroy et al., 2020). For example, a general lack of information surrounding asexuality may impede identity development and cause some asexuals to question the legitimacy of their asexuality and pathologise their lack of sexual attraction (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Robbins et al., 2016). Moreover, the hidden nature of asexuality requires active searching (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022), with disclosure considered imperative to identity development and the acceptance of a lack of sexual attraction (Robbins et al., 2016).

The role of heteronormativity and allonormativity within identity development

Within the context of a heteronormative society, the development of a non-heterosexual identity has many implications for sexual minority individuals. Specifically, stigmatisation and marginalisation have been shown to heighten distress among non-heterosexual individuals (Mayer et al., 2014), including those who identify as asexual (Lucassen et al., 2011; McInroy et al., 2020; Yule et al., 2013). Moreover, allonormativity, or the assumption that all people experience sexual attraction, has been shown to hinder the development of asexual identities, with many asexual individuals experiencing dismissal, denial and prejudice (Brunning & McKeever, 2021; Mollet, 2020). The presence of these heteronormative and allonormative ideals may instil a negative understanding of asexuality, with some asexual individuals considering sexual attraction as required (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; McInroy et al., 2020; Mollet, 2020) or internalise negative stereotypes such as sexual repression or pathology (Brunning & McKeever, 2021; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022). Moreover, discrimination and denial have been linked to increased mental health difficulties and interpersonal problems among asexual individuals (Lucassen et al., 2011; Yule et al., 2013), and may be detrimental to the development of their positive self-concepts (Chasin, 2015).

Research suggests that asexual identity development and internalisation are not identical across asexual people (Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019) and may be influenced by other dimensions of identity such as gender and romantic attractions (Cuthbert, 2019). Specifically, asexual individuals’ departure from societally expected gender roles and expressions may hinder their positive self-perceptions in ways that are dependent upon their preferred gender identities. For example, while female participants’ asexuality is often dismissed as female sexual passivity (Haefner, 2011; Vares, 2018), male participants are more likely to experience unbelief surrounding their lack of sexual attraction through an assumption of males being inherently sexual (Vares, 2018). Moreover, asexual individuals’ management of relationships and the types of relationships that they desire may be influenced by their romantic identities. This is seen within research whereby aromantic asexuals typically seek companionship without an element of sexual or romantic attraction (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Van Houdenhove et al., 2015), while romantic asexuals often desire relationships similar to an allosexual partnership, with some willing to engage in mild forms of sexual activity (Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022). Moreover, research suggests that participants’ approach to disclosure may be subject to their romantic identities with romantic asexuals placing greater emphasis on the need to disclose their lack of sexual attraction to a partner (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022).

Despite a growth in research surrounding asexuality (Mollet, 2020), further research is required to better understand the development of an asexual identity within the context of a heteronormative (Morgan, 2013) and allonormative (Mollet, 2020, 2021) society, and the implications that this may have for asexual individuals’ well-being. Moreover, while there is increasing evidence for the intersection of gender roles and romantic identities within identity development (Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022), this has yet to be comprehensively investigated (Scherrer, 2008).

Thus, research focusing on the heterogeneity of this population may contribute towards a more inclusive and scoping insight into asexual identity development and the complexity of this experience (Antonsen et al., 2020; Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Robbins et al., 2016). Through a thematic analysis of reports of self-identified asexual individuals, this research explores and extends our knowledge of the personal and societal factors that inform the development and internalisation of an asexual identity.

Method

Participants

Ninety-nine participants between the ages of 18 and 72 (M = 27.97, SD = 10.36) completed the questionnaire. Inclusion criteria included participants who were eighteen years or over, identified as asexual or along the asexual spectrum and reported a lack of sexual attraction. Participants identified as predominantly female (N = 61), non-binary (N = 14) and male (N = 10), with the remaining opting to self-describe (N = 14). The majority of participants self-identified as asexual (N = 79) or gray-asexual (N = 13) and several identified as demi-sexual (N = 4) or chose to self-describe (N = 3). For romantic orientation, there were a range of responses including aromantic (N = 32), heteroromantic (N = 21), gray-romantic (N = 12), pan-romantic (N = 11) and biromantic (N = 10), with the remaining choosing to self-describe (N = 13) (Table 1).

Table 1. Participant characteristics.

	Total (N = 99)
Age: Mean (SD)	27.97 (10.36)
Gender identity	(%)
Female	60.39
Male	9.9
Non-binary (third gender)	13.86
Self-describe	7.92
Female Self-describe	2.97
Non-binary (third gender) Self-describe	0.99
Transman, Non-binary (third gender)	0.99
Male, Non-binary (third gender)	0.99
Sexual identity	(%)
Asexual	78.21
Gray-asexual	12.87
Demi-sexual	3.96
Self-describe	2.97
Romantic identity	(%)
Aromantic	31.68
Heteroromantic	20.79
Gray-romantic	11.88
Pan-romantic	10.89
Self-describe	9.9
Biromantic	8.91
Demi-romantic	1.98
Homoromantic	1.98

Non-binary (third gender): An individual who identifies with more than one gender, no gender (agender) or are genderfluid. Asexual: An individual who lacks sexual attraction towards other people. Gray-asexual: An individual who feels vague and infrequent sexual attraction. Demi-sexual: An individual who feel no sexual attraction towards other people unless a strong emotional bond has been established. Heteroromantic: An individual who is romantically attracted to/desires romantic relationships with the opposite gender. Homoromantic: An individual who is romantically attracted to/desires romantic relationships with the same gender. Biromantic: An individual who is romantically attracted to/desires romantic relationships with multiple genders. Panromantic: An individual who is romantically attracted to/desires romantic relationships without gender being a factor. Aromantic: An individual who is not romantically attracted to or desiring of romantic relationships at all. Gray-romantic: An individual who experiences romantic attraction but not very often. Demi-romantic: An individual who experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional connection.

Research design

Thematic analysis was chosen as the analytical approach as it allows researchers to identify, analyse and report themes (Braun & Clarke, 2006) that portray differences and similarities across participants’ accounts (Creswell, 2009). Moreover, as thematic analysis encourages researchers to take a structured approach to data handling, it is particularly useful when analysing large data sets and producing a coherent final report (King, 2004). These features of thematic analysis are suitable to identify patterns within and across data in relation to participants’ attitudes, experiences and beliefs (Clarke & Braun, 2017; Creswell, 2009) and are therefore consistent with the overarching aims of this research. Patterns within the data will be identified using an inductive or “bottom-up” approach whereby themes are produced directly from the raw data (Patton, 1990) and are independent of any particular interest or topic (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Thus, codes and themes generated within this research will not be forcibly assigned to pre-existing categories or theoretical frameworks already identified within the area of asexual internalisation and identity development. Moreover, the analysis will focus primarily on the semantic or a “explicit” meaning of data and researchers will identify themes at their surface level (Braun & Clarke, 2006). This process will progress from description and summary of the data to the identification of significance and meaning behind trends in the themes produced.

An online open-ended questionnaire completed by asexual individuals was used to gather data. This was a particularly cost and time efficient approach to data collection and granted greater coverage of features such as age, gender, romantic and sexual identities. As online questionnaires ask questions in a standardised way, this contributed towards pattern-based analysis of participants’ accounts (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Moreover, the anonymous nature of the self-completed questionnaire facilitated greater participant honesty and prevented interviewer bias (Emde & Fuchs, 2012).

Recruitment procedures

Participants were recruited through the online resource the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) during January and February of 2021. AVEN is a forum dedicated to creating awareness of asexuality, growing the asexual community, as well as providing information on what it means to be asexual. An announcement detailing the research and researcher contact information was posted to a discussion board on the AVEN website. Ethical approval was received from the institutional review board and permission to post this research on the AVEN website was received from the AVEN Project Team. Once participants had completed the questionnaire, they were provided with links to AVEN and other forms of support available to the asexual community. Participants were not compensated. Although 145 participants completed the questionnaire, 46 entries were removed as they partially completed the open-ended questionnaire or were under 18 years of age. The relatively large sample size of 99 participants was not predetermined prior to data gathering, but rather, was a result of the high response rate gained when the questionnaire was released online. While researchers were aware that “bigger” sample sizes are “not necessarily better” (Braun & Clarke, 2016, p. 741), they felt that it was appropriate to honour all participants’ accounts and include them within the analysis.

Data collection

An online open-ended questionnaire was used to gather data for this research (see Appendix). The questionnaire took participants on average 25 minutes to complete. Questions were phrased openly and were informed by our current understanding of the experiences, attitudes and beliefs that underlie asexual identity development and internalisation. To ensure effective data collection and enhance the quality and extent of participants’ responses, researchers adhered to guidelines provided by Emde and Fuchs (2012). Specifically, researchers used dynamic entry boxes within the questionnaire to encourage elaboration and minimise item-non-response, or missing data. Moreover, to ensure that relevant answers were obtained, questions were designed to be unambiguous, simple to interpret and related to the aims of the overall research question (Jain et al., 2016). This was achieved through review and several revisions carried out by the research team. Examples of questions include “how do you express your asexuality?”, “does being asexual make you feel different in any way?” and “have you told other people about your sexual orientation?”.

Analysis

Data analytic strategy

We began our analysis by immersing ourselves within the data through means of active and repeated reading, as well as making preliminary notes (Braun & Clarke, 2006). We then coded all elements of the data that represented some aspects of participants’ responses in a line-by-line manner. Once data were coded and collated for all participants’ responses, we organised codes into groups that represented potential themes. We then reviewed the structure of each theme at the coding level and formed themes with accompanying data extracts. Once we were satisfied that the “candidate themes” adequately represented the coded data, we developed candidate theme maps to identify relationships between themes and to decipher the significance, or hierarchy, of each theme. We then considered the validity of themes in relation to the entire data set and whether theme maps reflected the meaning and sentiments present within the data. This involved a process of reading and re-reading the entire data set multiple times to determine the accuracy of themes, the structure of thematic maps and to identify any additional themes missed within the initial analysis. Once the structure of themes was accepted, the “essence” of each theme was decided, and a name was allocated to best describe that theme (Braun & Clarke, 2006). See Table 2 for a list of major themes and sub-themes.

Table 2. List of major themes and sub-themes.

Becoming asexual
Feeling Different
Searching for Sexual Identity
Means of Discovery
Being asexual
Identifying as Asexual
Asexual Community
Displaying Pride
Intimate social expression
Desires within Relationships
Asexuality Compromising Relationships
Avoiding Sexual/romantic Relationships
Reactions to Disclosure
Fearing Disclosure
Selective Disclosure
Internalisation
I Feel Alien
I am seen as Alien

Intersectionality analysis

The presence of diverse gender and romantic identities brought us to later consider our findings through an intersectional lens. Although the inductive nature of this research did not require a guiding theory during study conceptualisation and participant recruitment, we later incorporated an intersectional framework within our data analysis and reporting of findings. This allowed us to examine the interconnection of socially constructed identities and how this may shape the experiences and meaning making processes of participants (Abrams et al., 2020). Utilising an intersectional framework within the reading of our data allowed us to identify commonalities and differences across participants’ accounts that appeared specific to their romantic and gender identities. This in turn allowed us to observe how gender roles and romantic identities may intersect within the development of an asexual identity and further illustrates the complexity of this experience. We present evidence of this within the results section, and specifically through our analysis of intimate social expressions.

Methodological integrity

Several measures were taken to ensure the credibility and reliability of emerging codes and themes. This included reflexive journaling (Cutcliffe & McKenna, 1999) and peer debriefing (Lincoln & Guba, 1985), as well as record keeping of raw data and theme formation (Halpren, 1983). The authors, both of whom have extensive training in qualitative research and multiple published articles, carried out peer debriefing to resolve any conflicting analyses and enhance credibility of the overall findings (Lincoln & Guba, 1985). Moreover, the iterative nature of thematic analysis allowed researchers to move repeatedly between phases of analysis to facilitate interpretation and the development of themes that adequately represent the data (Braun & Clarke, 2006). All themes presented within this research are supported by verbatim extracts.

Results

Following thematic analysis, four major themes were generated: being asexual; becoming asexual; intimate social expression; and internalisation. These themes were apparent throughout all participants’ accounts.

Becoming asexual

The theme “becoming asexual” is composed of several sub-themes that, when combined, detail how an awareness of the self as different caused many participants to search for their sexual identity. This includes feeling different, searching for sexual identity and means of discovery. This process of discovering an asexual identity appeared to be a common experience among participants and was not dependent upon age, gender, or a specific sexual or romantic identity.

Feeling different

An awareness of the self as different from others typically initiated the discovery of participants’ sexual identity. According to participants, their lack of sexual attraction caused them to feel “abnormal”, “disconnected” and “different” from their peers and this brought them to search for an explanation. For example, one participant described feeling “weird” as they had never “actively desired” sex (Aromantic asexual female, 23) while another “had no idea what the hype was about” and “never got crushes” unlike their “sex obsessed classmates” (Asexual gray-romantic female, 24). This sense of being different appeared to be most salient when participants were exposed to conversations surrounding sex as they felt that they couldn’t comprehend (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21) or “didn’t connect” with what their friends felt (Asexual unsure/still questioning romantic identity female, 27).

When I turned 25, I realized I had *never dated* and it finally dawned on me that that was *really weird* because I had run out of excuses like “I’m too busy with work/school”. I realized dating had never been a priority for me. If it had been a priority. I would have found a way to make it work… So, after realizing I was 25 and had never dated and that was weird, I literally googled “25 and never dated” (Asexual aromantic agender, 31)

Searching for sexual identity

Following an awareness of the self as different from others, several participants explored the possibility of other sexual identities such as homosexuality and bisexuality, before eventually uncovering asexuality. For example, one participant initially considered themselves as “bi or pan” and described coming out to others as “not straight, probably bi, but I don’t really know” before eventually identifying as asexual (Asexual panromantic female, 19). Another participant recalled how their biromantic and demisexual identities had caused them to be “constantly confused” and question whether they may be “gay” or “ace” before eventually realising that they “could be both” (Demisexual biromantic female, 27).

I thought I was a lesbian or bisexual, even though I had great difficulties even imagining having sex (and I was too repulsed by nudity and sex to go online and “do some research” on what sex looks like). Eventually I gave up on the idea of being lesbian or bisexual and slowly came to terms with my asexuality (Asexual still-questioning female, 22)

Many participants’ past attempts to engage in sexual activity led them to confirm or realise their lack of sexual attraction and discover their asexual identities. For example, one participant recalled that they “haven’t had sex since the first time” because it wasn’t an “enjoyable” experience (Demisexual demiromantic female, 20), while others recalled that they had “tried sex and disliked it” (Asexual aromantic female, 26) or were “repulsed and couldn’t go through with it” (Asexual aromantic male, 26). Moreover, some participants recognised their lack of sexual attraction while in a relationship as they had “so much trouble having sex with (their) spouse” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 42), or were informed by their partner of their lack of sexual attraction; "You know you’re not gay, right? You’re asexual."” (Asexual quoiromantic female, 34).

I tried several times over many years to have good sex, but they were all unimpressive experiences. It took a lot of convincing myself to not blame it on something else before I researched asexuality (Asexual aromantic non-binary, 37)

Most participants described actively researching their lack of sexual attraction prior to becoming aware of the term asexuality. This involved “googling” a lack of sexual attraction on the internet, with the majority “eventually ending up on AVEN” (asexual aromantic female, 23). For example, one participant “googled "25 and never dated"” (Asexual aromantic agender, 31) while another “looked up online different orientations” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 26) that led them to asexuality.

I did research on the sexuality by watching YouTube videos and reading internet articles. I had a feeling that something was wrong/different as early as 11, as I noticed that other children had crushes and liked to talk about "cute" boys or girls. At 17 or 18, I had still not experienced a crush and started to realize that I might never feel sexual attraction or want sex. I then learned the word asexual from a single video I found online (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21)

Means of discovery

Participants identified the “internet”, “YouTube videos” (Autochorissexual quoiromantic male, 25) and “online communities” (Asexual aromantic female, 21) as particularly useful sources of information when discovering their asexual identities. Moreover, several participants discovered asexuality by reading “articles” (Asexual biromantic male, 32) and “fanfiction with asexual characters” (Asexual gray-romantic female, 25), as well as seeing “ace discourse on Tumblr” (Asexual aromantic unsure, 22) and “TV shows” with asexual characters (Asexual aromantic male, 44).

After a YouTube video of AufKlo (a German channel creating information videos) mentioning AVEN. There I read about it and educated myself further while realizing that there were always signs (Asexual panromantic non-binary, 20)

Online communities provided participants with an opportunity to further explore and define their identities. For example, AVEN gave participants the opportunity to “read discussions on the forum”, “ask questions” and “private message other asexuals” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 50). Specifically, participants described AVEN as a “a community of people who understood” their sexual and romantic identities (Asexual aromantic female, 54) and provided them with a “rich vocabulary” to “redefine” their lack of sexual attraction (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 24).

I always felt kind of left out between my peers because of a lack of interest in romance and sex related topics. When I was 20 I stumbled upon the definition of asexuality and aromanticism while looking for something LGBTQ + related. It kind of immediately clicked that those terms kind of suit me (Asexual aromantic female, 23)

Moreover, several participants discovered asexuality through means of friends’ and partners’ suggestions (Asexual gray-romantic female, 27) while others were introduced to asexuality by their psychiatrist (Gray-asexual aromantic male, 40) or therapist (Asexual heteroromantic female, 42). Moreover, a few participants described “stumbling” upon the term by chance.

Being asexual

The major theme “being asexual” is composed of several subthemes that underlie participants’ understanding of their asexual identities. This includes identifying with an asexual identity, the role of the asexual community and displaying pride. The ways in which participants identified as asexual was not dependent upon a specific age, gender, or romantic identity.

Identifying as asexual

Participants described how they came to identify as asexual or along the asexual spectrum, and how this allowed them to better understand their lack of sexual attraction. For example, many participants recalled that their sexuality “suddenly made sense” and allowed them to accept their differences and for some, positively impacted their self-esteem. For those who identified as asexual, it was evident that the term “resonated” with them and allowed them to adopt an asexual identity. For example, one participant recalled that their “life immediately made a lot more sense” following their identification as asexual (Asexual aromantic female, 35), while others “identified strongly with the label” (Asexual aromantic female, 54). For some participants, this identification as asexual was immediate as it “instantly just made sense” (Asexual aromantic male, 26) and “described” them well (Asexual heteroromantic female, 72). Equally, participants who identified along the asexual spectrum (i.e. gray-asexual, demi-sexual, autochorissexual) considered the term asexual as “the most accurate orientation label” to describe their sexual identity (Gray-asexual grayromantic non-binary, 21) and felt that it encompassed “a wide range of sexual orientations, all of which have in common the complete lack of desire to engage in sexual intercourse” (Gray asexual aromantic male, 40).

Finding out that asexuality existed came like a revelation that explained so much, and everything seemed to fall into place (Asexual quioromantic genderqueer, 33)

Identifying with an asexual identity allowed many participants to develop a more positive self-concept and better understand why they don’t experience sexual attraction. For example, one participant described their identification as asexual as a “lightbulb moment” that “completely changed” how they saw themselves (Asexual aromantic agender, 31), while another considered this a “word for how (they) feel” and “not a me-thing” (Asexual, still questioning non-binary, 19).

I first heard the term “asexual” online, but I knew that I felt “different” from my heterosexual peers before that. Discovering that word allowed me to address what I felt internally and helped me to understand that I didn’t experience sexual attraction (Gray-asexual aromantic non-binary, 20)

Moreover, identification as asexual led to a sense of relief among several participants as they no longer needed to “fake” being sexual and felt less guilty about their lack of sexual attraction.

My knowing I’m asexual makes me feel different because I no longer feel bad about not feeling sexually attracted to people. I no longer feel like I have to fake thinking a shirtless dude is "hot" (Asexual biromantic female, 25).

Asexual community

For many participants, the presence of an asexual community enhanced their identification as asexual and allowed them to better understand their lack of sexual attraction.

I stumbled across the term online and didn’t know what it means, so I looked it up and found AVEN. I could immediately relate to how they described asexuality…The discovery of AVEN allowed me to redefine a (sexless) relationship I was in at the time as a romantic one (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 24)

AVEN exposed participants to “a community of people who understood” their sexual and romantic identities (asexual aromantic female, 54) and participants felt “grateful for the rich vocabulary to describe types of attraction that exists within the asexual community” (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 24). Moreover, being part of an asexual community such as AVEN, granted a sense of camaraderie and allowed participants to no longer feel that their lack of sexual attraction was “defective” or “abnormal”.

Learning about asexuality as a healthy, natural preference lead me to the realization that I didn’t have some defect I would soon need to get over in order to live a normal, fulfilling life. Identifying with the ace community has allowed me to stop feeling worried and guilty about my lack of interest in something that most of my peers consider essential to their happiness, and given me the courage to accept my difference as a positive part of my identity (Asexual quoiromantic genderqueer, 33)

Displaying pride

Many participants described displays of pride consistent with their asexual identities. This included hanging pride flags or the colours of the asexual community, displaying artwork, writing literature and composing music related to asexuality, and identifying themselves visually by wearing ace rings on the middle finger of their right hand.

Have taken part in Pride marches, carrying banners. Sometimes wear a Pride pin or bracelet in Pride colours. Have also knitted socks and gloves. Have also written a novel… Post regularly but infrequently on AVEN. Follow some social media (Asexual aromantic female, 54)

Several participants expressed their pride by advocating for awareness and acceptance of asexuality within both queer and heterosexual communities. They achieved this by speaking openly about their asexuality and sharing their orientation with friends, family, partners, and the wider community.

I wear a black ring on my right middle finger. When stuck in discussions about sex, romance, or relationships, I remind people that not everyone is interested in these things and that they are not universally necessary or enjoyable… I support asexual/aspec artists and creators. I encourage and ask for the inclusion of asexuality and aromanticism in LGBT + spaces (Gray-asexual gray-romantic non-binary, 21)

Several participants displayed their asexual pride through creating asexual content online and sharing their experiences on platforms such as AVEN. For example, one participant described making YouTube videos that explained asexuality as a lack of sexual attraction and another shared “memes” and created “tiktoks” that educated others on asexuality.

I have a pride flag. I’m an ace tiktok creator (Asexual Gray-romantic non-binary, 19)

In addition to this, some participants maintained a “presence online” and supported social media accounts dedicated to raising awareness and displaying asexual pride.

…by reposting memes about it on my stories, partly to raise awareness (Asexual bi/pan/heteroromantic non-binary, 19)

Intimate social expression

The major theme “intimate social expression” details how participants navigate their relationships with others, as well as their experiences of disclosing their asexual identities. Sub-themes include desires within relationships; asexuality compromising relationships; avoiding sexual/romantic relationships; reactions to disclosure; fearing disclosure; and selective disclosure. Participants’ desired relationships appeared to be dependent upon their romantic identities and ranged from purely platonic and familial relationships to queer-platonic and romantic relationships. Moreover, while many romantic-identified participants expressed a desire to engage in relationships with a romantic element, the majority of participants emphasised the non-sexual nature of their relationships, irrespective of romantic identities. When disclosing their identities, participants’ experiences ranged from positive to negative and as a result, shaped their approach to disclosure and willingness to disclose in the future. Despite the presence of some discrepancies, participants’ experiences of disclosing their asexual identities did not appear to be dependent upon a specific sexual, romantic or gender identity,

Desires within relationships

When forming their relationships, participants expressed a desire for “commitment” and “closeness” that “does not take a sexual form”. Although the nature of their desired relationships differed across participants, many sought “support” and “respect”, and some “intimacy” and “affection”.

I would like and have always wanted a husband! i.e. a fully loving, affectionate, close partnership/marriage; someone to share life, love & affection; someone to plan holidays with; someone with whom to remain even when one of us moves in life. All the “normal” stuff in other words - just without sex (Asexual heteroromantic female, 50)

Most participants’ desired relationships differed depending on their romantic identities. For example, aromantic participants typically sought “close friendships” without the concern of developing romantic feelings (Asexual aromantic third-gender, 37) and a relationship with a “significant other” that “is much closer to platonic than romantic” (Aromantic asexual male, 26). Moreover, an openness towards queer platonic relationships (QPR) appeared consistently throughout aromantic participants’ responses.

Since I am also aromantic, I can’t really imagine myself in a romantic relationship. It would be ideal to live either on my own or possibly with a partner who I could trust not to be attracted to me romantically and sexually, or at least not acting on those feelings and not making me feel guilty for not feeling the same way about them (asexual aromantic female, 23)

However, this desire for a QPR was not exclusive to aromantic participants with several romantic-identified participants also mentioning the possibility of engaging in a QPR.

I want close friendships and would also be open to a queer platonic relationship. I have no desire to be in a sexual relationship with anyone. My ideal relationship would be a group of friends living together and supporting each other (Asexual demiromantic female, 21)

Moreover, like aromantic participants, several romantic-identified participants did not require a romantic element within their relationships and sought “friendships mainly” (Asexual biromantic non-binary, 21), or were “very happy in living a solitary life” (Gray-asexual gray-romantic non-binary, 21).

“I want an exclusive best friend." Someone with a strong degree of independence from me, where we active choose to spend time and support each other - but with a degree of physical closeness greater than best friends” “take a healthy, functional relationship, and subtract the sex” (Asexual heteroromantic male, 23).

Many participants with romantic identities described elements of a stereotypical relationship in which they would cohabit with their partner and share interests and hobbies such as “cooking”, “watching movies” and holidaying together. Unlike aromantic participants, romantic identified participants typically desired “something romantic, close and intimate” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 26) and someone to “share (their) life with” (Asexual panromantic female, 19).

I would like to have a life partner one day. To me, that means a person that I could live with for the rest of my life, cook with, share a bed, spend holidays together, and do other married couple things with. The only difference is that we would not have sex or do sexual activities. I have heard of queer-platonic relationships: I would be very open to one, though I think I would like a male romantic partner more (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21).

Moreover, several romantic identified participants revealed that they were willing to engage in sexual activity with a partner and explained this through a desire to foster “intimacy” and “closeness”, as well as maintain their relationships. Many expressed the importance of compromising to fulfil their partners’ sexual needs, with some enjoying sexual activity upon the presence of “trust” and “respect”.

My partner is allosexual. He wants sex, and I usually don’t mind it. I just don’t actively crave it. It can be enjoyable sometimes and it makes him feel more connected to me. It’s a way to show my partner I love him (Asexual Quoiromantic female, 34)

Asexuality compromising relationships

Participants who sought to engage in committed or romantic relationships described how their lack of sexual attraction acted to hinder or “compromise” those relationships. For example, one participant recalled that their “differing libido with partners” caused “friction” and was a source of “conflict” within a past relationship (Asexual heteroromantic male, 23), while another questioned the feasibility of finding a “compatible partner” through the belief that “sex is such an important part of a relationship for the vast majority of people” (Asexual gray-romantic female, 27). Moreover, several participants described feeling “lonely, left out” and a “disappointment” within relationships (Asexual biromantic non-binary, 28) and felt that others would be unwilling to follow their “emotional and sexual journey” (Gray-asexual biromantic non-binary, 28).

Incompatibility with non-asexuals has a huge influence on any potential relationships, and even in those that work well, it is still a source of conflict. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made by both parties for sexual-asexual relationships to work, and I still struggle with that. It’s also hard to not desire a partner the way they want to be desired. Even though I can’t help it and can’t change that, partners can still feel self-conscious and un-wanted (Asexual gray-romantic female, 27)

Avoiding sexual/romantic relationships

Despite a desire for a committed relationship, several romantic-identified participants chose not to pursue romantic or sexual relationships and actively avoided dating. They achieved this by rejecting romantic advances and distancing themselves from romantic and sexual partners.

I pushed them away and tried to keep them distant (Asexual heteroromantic female, 24)

Their reasons for avoiding romantic relationships appeared to stem from a fear that others would be unable to understand their lack of sexual attraction as well as an awareness of “how much society values sex” (Asexual panromantic female, 22). For example, one participant believed that a relationship with a heterosexual person would require “a lot more emotional work” (Demi-sexual heteroromantic female, 27), while another feared that their partner would consider them “broken” (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 20).

I tend to avoid “dating” since the question or expectation of sex seems to lurk in the background and I don’t want to deal with the hassle of avoiding or rejecting that… so it’s easier to not date at all (Demisexual biromantic female, 43)

Reactions to disclosure

The theme reactions to disclosure details the various ways that others responded to the disclosure of participants’ asexual identities. This ranged from negative to positive and for some, indifferent and unsurprised. For example, many participants recalled past disclosure of their asexual identity as “negative” and experienced “rejection” and “disapproval”. Specifically, participants described others as “dismissing” and “doubting” their asexuality, with some attempting to “fix” or “invalidate” their lack of sexual attraction.

The only other person I’ve told (after my therapist) was a man who was interested in me and he couldn’t understand it. Kept asking questions (which is a good thing) but still was trying to fix me. The tension which ensued eventually lead to a blow up and the end of things (which is very sad because we had been good friends before) (Asexual heteroromantic female, 72)

This rejection was apparent through others’ “disbelief” and consideration of participants as “late bloomer(s)”, “prude(s)”, and that their lack of sexual attraction was “temporary”, or a phase. For example, one participant recalled that they were “looked down upon as prude” and “not mature enough” (Asexual aromantic female, 23), while another was considered “strange” “inhuman”, “cold” and “like a robot” that “did not need love” (Asexual gray-romantic male, 36).

I have only told ten people in my life. Most responses have unfortunately been negative. A lot of, "Don’t worry, you’re just a late bloomer," "You’re just a prude," and, "Wow, that sucks for you." It seems like people want to convince me that I must secretly be miserable (Asexual aromantic female, 25)

Many participants recalled negative consequences that followed the disclosure of their asexual identities. For example, several participants considered others’ reactions as “hostile”, “hurtful” and “emotionally traumatic” (Asexual, aromantic agender, 31), with one participant having “lost friends” when coming out (Asexual, panromantic non-binary, 20).

had a negative experience coming out to my family and if that situation repeated itself with a friend I think it would take me a long time to recover from that… My experience is obviously not comparable to a teenager being kicked out of their house and abandoned by their adult guardians, but my coming out experience was emotionally traumatic for me (Asexual aromantic agender, 31)

Moreover, several participants described others’ assumptions of “trauma” and a consideration of their lack of sexual attraction as “defective” or pathological when coming out. For example, one participant was assumed to be “raped or traumatised to not want sex” and asked if there was “something wrong” with them “psychologically” (Asexual Heteroromantic female, 21), while others received “a lot of questions about possible trauma” (Asexual aromantic male, 26) or “sexual assault” (Asexual panromantic/aromantic non-binary, 21).

I have told a few people. I told my mom, who initially told me I was not asexual and that I was just a late bloomer. She insisted that I would want sex later and claimed she had experienced the same thing. She then thought I must have been raped or traumatized to not want sex (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21)

Many participants were assumed to be “just afraid of sex” and told that their lack of sexual attraction would “change over time” (Gray asexual homoromantic female, 19). Specifically, participants described that friends would “push (them) to date” and “dismissed” their “concerns about not being sexually compatible” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21). Moreover, many were told that they lacked sexual attraction because they “hadn’t actually had sex yet” and that their “opinion would change” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 34) once they “get into a relationship” and “find "the one"” (Asexual aromantic female, 22). This dismissal was not specific to female participants as several male and non-binary participants also described situations where others “questioned” or “contested” their asexuality. For example, one participant was advised that they would “change if (they) met the "right girl"” (Gray-asexual aromantic male, 40), while others were encouraged to “find the right person” (Asexual aromantic male, 26) or “the one” (Asexual aromantic male, 20).

I did have one person say that I may not “be like this forever” which I think was supposed to be nice but it felt really patronizing, kind of like “oh you’ll grow out of it” or “you’ll figure out what’s wrong and fix it”. I don’t really want to fix it. There’s nothing wrong with me (Gray asexual, pan romantic non-binary transman, 29)

Several female participants described being “dismissed” when coming out and recalled situations where other people tried to “fix” their lack of sexual attraction or coerce them to have sex. For example, one participant recalled that “plenty of men will try to hit on me because they believe that I will want sex and be less prudish if they can convince me to have sex with them” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21), while another described how others “insist” that their asexuality is “temporary” or due to them “being a virgin” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 26)

I have had a man try to rape me to make me sexual, and I have had people think I was like a child and regularly humiliate me in public (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21).

Participants interpreted allosexuals’ negative reactions to coming out through a lack of awareness of asexuality and their inability to comprehend a lack of sexual attraction. For example, one participant stated that other people “can’t picture what it’s like to not feel sexual desire” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 26), while another considered that people “who aren’t asexual themselves don’t really understand” (Gray-asexual gray-romantic non-binary, 21).

Yes. Usually, it’s awful. People generally don’t really believe me…for most people it’s like they can’t wrap their heads around it. I used to be told that it was just because I hadn’t actually had sex yet and my opinion would change after. It hasn’t. I usually get asked all sorts of invasive questions. I’ve been asked if I was abused as a child (I wasn’t) or if I was raped- which I did have an experience that I’d define as sexual assault following in the grand tradition of corrective rape- but I was Ace before (and after) that experience (Asexual heteroromantic female, 34)

Despite the presence of many negative accounts, several participants recalled the disclosure of their asexual identities as largely “positive” and experienced “support”, “acceptance” and “understanding” from others.

Yes, and overall, the experience has been positive. Everyone has been supportive and even if they didn’t really understand what it meant, they have never tried to convince me out of it (Asexual panromantic female, 19)

These participants described the reactions of others as “proud” and “respectful”, with many applauding their openness and willingness to disclose. Again, these positive reactions did not appear to be dependent upon a specific sexual, romantic or gender identity and were present across participants’ accounts.

I am very open about my orientation, and I have gotten very positive response from the people in my life (Asexual aromantic non-binary, 20)

Interestingly, some participants described an “indifferent” or “disinterested” reaction towards the disclosure of their asexuality. For example, they recalled the experience as “undramatic”, with a lack of judgement or surprise from others.

The friends have just gone "oh right" - straightforward acceptance/disinterest. Sibling didn’t reply! But I think he probably thought nothing of it (Asexual heteroromantic female, 50)

In such situations, this led participants to not feel the need to further explain or disclose their asexuality.

My family was pretty indifferent. No one asked me to elaborate (Asexual aromantic male, 44)

Fearing disclosure

Many participants described a sense of fear prior to the disclosure of their asexual identities.

I’ve told a few people. I only tell people who I know will be accepting, so those experiences were positive even though they were still nerve wracking (Asexual aromantic female, 22)

This was apparent through several participants’ description of coming-out as “nerve-wracking” and a “scary conversation”, as well as their anticipated “rejection”.

Not as of yet, because I’m afraid of being rejected, not understood or not accepted (Asexual aromantic female, 23)

Moreover, numerous participants did not express their asexuality as they feared rejection and did not feel comfortable doing so “outside of the ace community” (Asexual aromantic non-binary, 37), or “LGBT + contexts” (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 24).

Selective disclosure

Many participants were selective when disclosing their asexual identities. For example, they based their disclosure upon the “trust” that they placed in others and chose to come out at “the right time”. This selective approach to disclosure appeared to derive from expected or experienced negative reactions and an attempt to minimise others’ rejection of their asexual identities.

In asexual spaces and around trusted friends, I generally express myself quite openly on the subject, though when questioned by people who aren’t comfortable with LGBTQ + issues, I avoid using labels specific to the ace community (Asexual quoiromantic genderqueer, 23)

Moreover, participants’ selective approach to disclosure is also evidenced through their attempts to conceal their asexual identities from individuals who they feel may not accept their lack of sexual attraction.

I only recently came to terms with being asexual, so I haven’t told very many people. I told a couple of online friends, one of whom is also LGBTQIA+, and that wasn’t very difficult because it wasn’t in person and I wasn’t worried about them rejecting me. I am terrified to tell my family (Asexual gray-romantic female, 22)

Several participants did not feel the need to disclose their asexual identities to others. This stemmed from a consideration of disclosure as “not relevant” and “not necessary”, as they saw no benefit to coming out and rarely spoke of their asexuality with others. For example, one participant considered themselves the “same person” regardless of their sexual identity (Asexual aromantic female, 54).

My sexual orientation is just not a part of how I view myself so I don’t feel the need to share it with others (Demisexual biromantic female, 43)

Internalisation

The major theme “internalization” details the negative ways in which many participants understand their lack of sexual attraction. Specifically, the sub-themes “I feel alien” and “I am seen as alien” relate to participants’ awareness of other peoples’ negative understanding of asexuality and how they have internalised this. Internalising these negative sentiments was common among participants and was not dependent upon gender, or a specific sexual or romantic identity.

I Feel alien

Many participants described feeling “isolated” and “lonely” due to their disinterest in, or difficulties forming sexual and romantic relationships. This left them feeling “disconnected” from their peers and “left out” of many life events such as dating and pursing traditional familial relationships. For example, one participant described their asexuality as “very isolating” and left them feeling like a “lifelong single person” (Asexual aromantic agender, 31), while another described a sense of being “very alone” (Asexual aromantic female, 35). This feeling of being like an “outsider” or an “outcast” appeared within many participants’ accounts as they struggled to understand other people’s sexual and/or romantic attractions.

I still feel left out sometimes, especially when my friends talk about getting married and having kids and prioritize romantic relationships over platonic ones. I don’t wish I wasn’t asexual but I do wish it would be more accepted and recognized (Gray-asexual panromantic female, 24)

Participants’ struggle to connect and empathise with others contributed towards this sense of isolation. For example, one participant described feeling “uncomfortable” when their friends discussed “sex related topics” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 29), while others considered their asexuality to form a “major disconnect with people” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21).

It’s hard for me to relate to people when they discuss their sexual or romantic interests. It’s hard for me to empathize with my friends when they are distressed over their partners or romantic/sexual relationships. I feel disconnected from most of culture and many things (sex ed, movies, magazine columns, etc) that presume I am driven by an interest in sex or romance (Gray-asexual gray-romantic non-binary, 21)

Moreover, participants described a sense of “missing out” on several life experiences as they watched friends “find partners”, “get married” and “have kids”. Again, this caused them to feel “left out” on many occasions and for one participant, “stick out as the only one who’s single” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 29)

…my friends have gotten married and are starting to have kids. So, friendship is now not a priority for anyone. That’s normal, I’m aware of that. But it’s hard not to feel very alone (Asexual aromantic female, 35)

A sense of confusion and a lack of information brought many participants to question their asexual identities. For example, one participant questioned whether they may be “broken” and related their lack of sexual attraction to “anxiety problems” (Asexual aromantic female, 26), while another considered whether this may be as a result of “some psychiatric problem” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21).

Yes, sometimes I have the feeling that I am immature compared to other allosexual friends because most allosexual people seem to equal having sex with being an adult. Sometimes I wonder if I am somehow broken or just have anxiety problems (Asexual aromantic female, 26)

This confusion and self-questioning appeared to be reinforced by limited exposure to asexuality and participants’ inability to openly express their lack of sexual attraction.

Mostly it’s just been confusing and I feel like I can hardly relate to people who are driven by sexual attraction. For me, it’s kind of an invisible identity. Even the people I date wouldn’t be able to tell unless I told them (Asexual biromantic non-conforming, 22)

I Am seen as alien

The theme “I am seen as alien” details other people’s negative perceptions of participants’ asexual identities and lack of sexual attraction. Exposure to these sentiments appeared to reinforce some participants’ negative understanding of their asexuality as they experienced stigmatisation and were “ridiculed”, “repressed” and treated like an “outsider”. Moreover, this sense of alienation was reinforced through other people’s understanding of asexuality as “cold” “unfeeling” and even “robotic”, with some participants feeling “less regarded as a mature person” (Asexual aromantic non-binary, 37).

Lots of friends told me that my asexuality made me inhuman and cold. Others thought that I was like a robot and did not need love… I have always experienced a lot of confusion about romance, so I think a lot of people consider me strange and treat me as such. People in my town treat me like a social pariah because I am not getting married and having kids like my peers and they tell me that women are meant to have babies and it’s wrong for women to be independent. People at college think I am repressed and prudish and can be very cruel (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21)

This brought participants to consider their asexuality in a negative light, with repeated reference to feeling “strange”, “wrong” and “broken”

I do think that I will always feel like an outsider, as most societies are really sexualized and sex-focused but knowing that asexuality is real makes it more bearable. I think I otherwise feel like any other person, I just have this major disconnect with people. It is hard to understand people’s obsession with sex when I cannot share their feelings, so I often feel isolated, but I think that is mainly because my lack of interest in sex angers people and makes them treat me differently (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21)

Participants repeatedly referred to the importance that society places on sexual and romantic normativity and the pervading sense that everyone is defined by some form of sexual attraction. For example, one participant described that they “will always feel like an outsider” due to a “sexualized and sex-focused” society and considered how “constant sexual themes” often leaves them as the “subject of ridicule among other people” (Asexual heteroromantic female, 21).

There are entire emotions that others feel that I can’t. There are life goals that are viewed as universal but I don’t want. The topic so frequently turns to relationships in everyday conversations and media. It can be really othering at times (Asexual aromantic female, 35)

Moreover, many participants described feeling “excluded” as “society makes happiness, accomplishment and life goals mainly revolve around sex, love and reproduction”

It kills me how I have been told all my life that not being in love and part of a couple was sad and how conditioned I feel by it” (Asexual aromantic female, 35)

Interestingly, several female participants felt this to be “especially true for women” because of the “importance placed in romance and having a family” or a “biological child”.

it is easy to feel different or like something is wrong particularly as a female as you are expected to have children and marry or have a boyfriend (Asexual unsure female, 27)

This sense of sexual normativity was reinforced through the presence of sex and sexuality within media and advertising, with many participants referring to the heavy use of sexual imagery and themes within modern culture.

Sex is pushed a lot in daily life too, like in advertising and movies, and sometimes this makes me hyperaware of how different I feel to others - it always seems so natural for them so why can’t I understand it? (Asexual panromantic female, 22).

Discussion

This study extends upon our knowledge of asexual identity development and internalisation within the context of a heteronormative and allonormative society. Moreover, this study demonstrates the intersection of gender roles and romantic identities within asexual identity development and provides evidence for the complexity of this experience. Findings will be interpreted with reference to past literature surrounding non-heterosexual and asexual identity development models, as well components of asexual identity development outlined within previous studies. The themes presented within this study are not meant to be generalisable to the asexual population but, rather, to provide insight into the experiences and nuances that underlie asexual identity development and internalisation.

The demographic profile of participants included within this research aligns with the diverse range of gender and romantic identities reported within literature (Kelleher et al., 2022). For example, the significant number of gender non-binary participants within our sample supports evidence that a higher proportion of people do not identify as men or women within the asexual community (Greaves et al., 2021; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015; Rothblum et al., 2020). Moreover, the prevalence of asexual women corresponds with previous reports of gender divisions among asexual people and the probability that women are more likely to be asexual (Bianchi, 2018; Hinderliter, 2009; Rothblum et al., 2020; Simon et al., 2022). Similarly, the lesser number of asexual men recruited within this research coincides with demographic profiles seen throughout literature (Bianchi, 2018; Rothblum et al., 2020). Finally, the diverse range of romantic and sexual identities reported within this study contributes towards a growing awareness of the asexual community as heterogeneous (Brotto & Yule, 2017; Clark & Zimmerman, 2022; Weis et al., 2017) and coincides with evidence that suggests asexual people are less likely to identify as heteroromantic (Antonsen et al., 2020).

Discovering asexuality and being asexual

The process of discovering an asexual identity appeared to be a common experience among participants and was not dependent upon a specific gender, sexual or romantic identity. The consistent nature of this process within participants’ accounts may be interpreted through the influence of allonormativity and the belief that all individuals experience sexual attraction regardless of sexual, romantic or gender identity (Mollet & Lackman, 2021). Like previous research, discovery of an asexual identity involved a process of active searching that was initiated through an awareness of the self as different and an inability to relate to others (Andersson, 2010; Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Mollet, 2020; Savage, 2019). Moreover, participants’ desire to seek explanations for their lack of sexual attraction corresponds with past research surrounding the experience of being asexual (Brotto et al., 2010; Carrigan, 2011; Foster et al., 2019; Mollet, 2020, 2021; Savage, 2019; Van Houdenhove et al., 2015) and components of asexual identity development (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Robbins et al., 2016). Finally, several participants’ reports of past attempts to engage in sexual activity and exploration of other sexual identities prior to the discovery of their asexuality correspond with the experiences of many asexual (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022) and non-heterosexual individuals (Rosario et al., 2006).

Participants’ discovery of asexuality as a sexual identity through online communities, fanfiction and asexuality-specific literature corresponds with the role of the internet as a source of information (Andersson, 2010; Foster et al., 2019; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; McInroy et al., 2020; Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019; Mollet, 2020; Robbins et al., 2016; Rossi, 2017; Savage, 2019), and highlights the relatively hidden nature of asexuality (Foster et al., 2019; Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019). Conversely, several participants’ initial exposure to asexuality through others’ suggestions, is indicative of the growing profile of asexuality and increasing recognition within society (Carrigan, 2011; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Mollet & Lackman, 2018).

Consistent with previous investigations, participants’ identification as asexual was assisted by a sense of community and reinforced through displays of pride (Foster et al., 2019; Jones et al., 2017; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015; Robbins et al., 2016). Again, this process of identifying as asexual appeared to be a common experience among participants and was not dependent upon gender, or a specific sexual or romantic identity. Participants’ sense of relief following their identification as asexual is in line with previous research (Andersson, 2010; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019; Mollet, 2020; Rossi, 2017; Vares, 2021), and further highlights how an awareness of one’s sexual identity and a sense of belonging can impact self-esteem and positive self-perceptions. Moreover, repeated reference to asexual communities such as AVEN further outlines the role of online forums and discussion boards within the development of an asexual identity. These findings confirm many asexual individuals’ desire to increase awareness of asexuality (Brotto et al., 2010; Gupta, 2017; Scherrer, 2008), through displays of pride such as asexuality-specific artwork, literature and music.

Navigating relationships and disclosure

Participants’ desired relationships appeared to be dependent upon their romantic identities and ranged from purely platonic and familial relationships to queer-platonic and romantic relationships. Like previous research surrounding asexual individuals’ desired relationships, romantic-identified participants typically sought emotional intimacy (Foster et al., 2019; Haefner, 2011; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022), whereas aromantic participants sought friendships mainly (Brotto et al., 2010; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Maxwell, 2017; Scherrer, 2008; Van Houdenhove et al., 2015). Participants did however emphasise the non-sexual nature of their relationships, irrespective of their romantic identities.

The nature of participants’ desired relationships appeared to impact how they pursued those relationships, as well as others’ reactions to their asexuality. For example, many romantic-identified participants considered their asexuality to hinder or compromise their success within relationships and subsequently take a passive approach to dating (Dawson et al., 2019; Maxwell, 2017; Vares, 2018, 2021). This consideration of asexuality as compromising relationships appears to stem from past experiences of dating and the influence of allonormativity, and confirms previous research surrounding the perceived practicalities of a relationship with a non-asexual partner (Dawson et al., 2019; Maxwell, 2017; Van Houdenhove et al., 2015; Vares, 2018, 2021). Moreover, several participants’ willingness to engage in sexual activity is in keeping with research surrounding asexual individuals’ desire to maintain relationships (Carvalho & Rodrigues, 2022; Foster et al., 2019; Gupta, 2017; Haefner, 2011; Jolene Sloan, 2015; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; Mollet, 2020).

Similar to past research surrounding the intersection of gender and identity, several female participants experienced sexual coercion when coming out (Gupta, 2019). Although Gupta (2019, p. 1197) suggests that male asexuals experience “greater conflict with dominant gendered sexual norms”, this appeared to be most salient within female participants’ accounts. This corresponds with emerging literature surrounding the gendered experiences of asexual people and specifically, the assumption of female sexual passivity (Yang, 2021; Vares, 2018). Reactions did, however, range from negative to positive and for some, indifferent and unsurprised. While some participants experienced support and understanding (Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019; Robbins et al., 2016), many experienced rejection and dismissal of their asexual identities (Jolene Sloan, 2015; Mollet & Lackman, 2021; Rossi, 2017; Savage, 2019; Vares, 2018), which later influenced their approach to coming out (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022).

This denial of participants’ asexual identities, and an assumption that their lack of sexual attraction is subject to change, may be attributed to allonormativity (Mollet, 2021; Rossi, 2017; Savage, 2019), as well as the invisibility of asexuality within society (Foster et al., 2019; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015; Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019; Mollet, 2021; Robbins et al., 2016). Moreover, other people’s assumptions of sexual pathology corresponds with past research surrounding the disclosure of an asexual identity (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; McInroy et al., 2020; Mitchell & Hunnicutt, 2019; Mollet, 2020, 2021; Rothblum et al., 2020) and the belief that all people experience sexual attraction regardless of sexual, gender or romantic identity (Mollet, 2021). Interestingly, several participants did not feel the need to openly express their lack of sexual attraction and believed that their asexuality was of minor significance to them. This aligns with past research whereby identity acceptance is an internal process for some individuals and is not necessarily dependent upon disclosure (Dawson et al., 2019; Mollet, 2021; Robbins et al., 2016).

Internalisations

Participants’ negative understanding of their lack of sexual attraction and an understanding of the self as “alien” may again be attributed to allonormativity and the internalisation of negative attitudes held towards asexuality. Repeated consideration of the self as “isolated” and “broken” reinforces our understanding of the impact that allonormative ideals can have on asexual individuals’ positive self-perceptions and corresponds with previous research (Brotto et al., 2010; Carrigan, 2011; Foster et al., 2019; Gupta, 2017; Kelleher & Murphy, 2022; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015; McInroy et al., 2020). Moreover, the sexualisation of media, popular culture and advertising appears to enhance a sense of isolation amongst participants and the perceived invisibility of asexuality (Gupta, 2017; MacNeela & Murphy, 2015). Although a negative understanding of asexuality was not dependent on a specific sexual, romantic or gender identity, this sense of exclusion was considered especially salient among female participants. This may be due to both heteronormative and allonormative ideals, and the importance placed among women on complying with traditional family structures and gender roles (Gupta, 2019). Moreover, “amatonormativity” or the assumption that “a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans” (Brake, 2011, p. 88) may contribute towards a heightened sense of isolation among aromantic participants (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022).

Implications, limitations and future research

This research identifies components of asexual identity development and internalisation within the context of a heteronormative and allonormative society, and develops upon previous research within the area (Kelleher & Murphy, 2022). Moreover, by observing the heterogenous nature of the study population, this research provides a more inclusive insight into asexual identity development and the complexity of this experience. The components identified within this study are not intended to be universally applied to asexual identity development but rather provide an insight into the experiences common within this population. Moreover, the range of sexual, romantic and gender identities present within this study corresponds with the heterogeneous nature of the asexual population (Brotto & Yule, 2017; Weis et al., 2017). The themes present within this study do not position asexual identity development as a linear process and do not attempt to model this across stages of development.

Several practical and theoretical implications may be derived from this study and applied within future research. To begin, the relatively congruent nature of participants’ accounts may be interpreted with reference to allonormativity, with few discrepancies seen across romantic, sexual and gender identities. For example, the process of discovering and identifying with an asexual identity appears to be a common experience among asexuals and is subject to the belief that all individuals experience sexual attraction regardless of sexual, romantic or gender identity. Moreover, these findings support research surrounding the role of the asexual community within the development of an asexual identity, and commonalities surrounding pride, alienation and the hidden nature of asexuality. The use of a diverse participant pool does, however, provide a preliminary insight into aspects of asexual individuals’ experiences that are subject to romantic and gendered features of identity. For example, asexual individuals’ approach to disclosure and how they navigate relationships appears to be influenced by their gender identities and the nature of their desired relationships. This in turn appears to impact how participants understand their lack of sexual attraction as well as their willingness to openly express their asexuality. Moreover, this may provide further insight into our understanding of asexuality as a gendered phenomenon (Gupta, 2019) and follows the movement towards differentiating romantic and sexual orientation within research (Brown et al., 2022).

There are several limitations present within this study that require consideration. As participants were gathered through the online asexual community AVEN, this removed the presence of asexual individuals who do not have access to online forums. Considering the significance of the asexual community within participants’ accounts, this may have narrowed our assessment of asexual identity development and processes of internalisation. Future research should examine the identity development and internalisation of individuals who are not recruited through online forums and asexuality-specific websites. This may provide key insights into the development of an asexual identity without the presence of an online community, as well as alternative sources of information and support. The use of an open-ended questionnaire when gathering participant information posed some limitations. For example, this hindered participants’ ability to ask follow-up questions and did not allow the researcher to gain further information or explore an interesting topic. Moreover, when published online, the nature of the recruitment advertisement may have resulted in self-selection bias amongst participants. As the recruitment advertisement specified a focus on the attitudes, experiences and beliefs associated with the asexual orientation, this may have deterred participants who had recently learned of asexuality and had yet come to terms with their orientation. Although intersectionality was incorporated within our analysis and presentation of findings, future research may benefit from utilising an intersectional lens earlier on in study design. As outlined by Abrams et al. (2020), employing an intersectional approach during the initial stages of qualitative research may assist in determining participant recruitment procedures as well as data gathering techniques that are most appropriate to the study aims. For example, an absence of demographic information has limited the capacity to provide a more comprehensive review of sample characteristics beyond sexual/romantic orientation and gender identity. Therefore applying an intersectional framework during study conceptualisation, recruitment and data gathering, may provide a more comprehensive insight into the multidimensional nature of participants’ identities, as well as their lived realities (Abrams et al., 2020). Moreover, this may generate more robust and nuanced findings surrounding the intersection of participant identities and encourage researchers to consider how sample characteristics such as race/ethnicity, social class, education and geographical location shape the experiences of asexual individuals.

Additional information

Notes on contributors

Sinéad Kelleher

Sinéad Kelleher is a PhD candidate and Head Tutor at the School of Applied Psychology, University College Cork. Her research interests include human sexuality, developmental psychology, social psychology, and psychometrics.

Mike Murphy

Mike Murphy is a Lecturer in Applied Psychology, and Research Coordinator of the Doctoral Programme in Clinical Psychology, in University College Cork, Ireland. His research interests include human sexuality, social support, and positive & coaching psychology.

Appendix

Open-Ended Questionnaire

Demographic questions:

Please state your age:

Please indicate your preferred gender (several options will be provided as well as the option to self-describe)

• Male

• Female

• Transwoman

• Transman

• Non-binary (third gender)

• Self-describe

Please state your preferred sexual orientation (several options will be provided as well as the option to self-describe)

• Asexual

• Grey-asexual

• Demisexual

• Self-describe

Please state your preferred romantic orientation (several options will be provided as well as the option to self-describe)

• Heteromantic

• Homoromantic

• Biromantic

• Panromantic

• Demiromantic

• Aromantic

• Greyromantic

• Self-describe

Open-ended Questions:

• What does the term asexuality mean to you?

• How do you express your asexuality?

• How did you become aware of your asexual orientation?

• Does being asexual make you feel different in any way?

• What sort of close, personal relationships are of interest to you?

• Has your sexual orientation ever had an influence in your life?

• How, if at all, do you think your life would have been different if you were not asexual?

• Do you engage in sexual activity? Can you elaborate on why you choose to engage or not engage in sexual activity?

• Have you told other people about your sexual orientation? If so, what was that experience like?