“She Still Doesn’t Want Me to Tell My Next-Door Neighbor:” The Familial Experiences of Modern Orthodox Jewish Gay Men

Abstract

An increasing number of scholars have identified the need to understand the contextual experiences of sexual minorities in their families, one of which includes gay and lesbian adults within devout cultural-religious groups. This phenomenological study contributes to this noted gap in the literature by accessing the familial perspectives of Modern Orthodox Jewish gay men, a subgroup of American Orthodox Jews whose potentially distinct experiences in their families and socio-cultural community are currently absent from the literature. Qualitative data was collected via individual, semistructured interviews from a sample of out Modern Orthodox gay men (n = 7), and analyzed using inductive thematic analysis (Braun & Clarke, 2006). Findings support pervasive and institutional homonegativity in the Modern Orthodox Jewish community; however, they also highlight the general acceptance Modern Orthodox gay men experienced from their parents in response to their gay identity. Postdisclosure, two broad themes emerged in our participants’ experience being out in their families, both of which reflect the socio-religious realities of the community in which they were raised: the importance of (a) concealing their gay identity and (b) maintaining a religious practice. These themes, and their implications for policy and practice, are discussed.

Keywords:

• family relations
• qualitative research
• sexual minorities
• religion
• Judaism

Acknowledgments

A special thank you to Dr. Marian Moser Jones for her mentorship on this project. We are indebted to our participants for sharing their experiences. Thank you for your time, candidness, and vulnerability.

Notes

1 Henceforth, Ultra-Orthodox will be used synonymously with Hassidic and Hareidi.

2 Though the Statement represented a seismic shift among Orthodox Jewish leaders in both recognizing and promoting respect of gay Orthodox Jews, it did not provide any institutional progress or practical direction for the Orthodox community on the issue of homosexuality (Beckerman, 2010; Etengoff, 2013). Scholars have critiqued the strength of the Statement in that it “asks the Orthodox Jewish community to validate and empathize with the gay community, while simultaneously disapproving and … excluding homosexuals” (Etengoff, 2013, p. 59).

3 In an effort to maintain demographic consistency and thus meet our research endeavors, we did not sample any female participants. This decision is also reflected in previous research sampling this population (e.g., Etengoff & Daiute, 2014; Etengoff & Rodriguez, 2017; Etengoff, 2017).

4 Yeshiva University hosted a public panel in December of 2009, during which gay students and alumni shared personal experiences of being gay in a Modern Orthodox community.

5 Hosting other families and guests for meals on the Sabbath and holidays is a prevalent and ubiquitous custom among Modern Orthodox Jews.