Love, work and play: an infant’s creative struggle to understand separation and loss from birth to toddlerhood

Abstract

This article is an account of a two-and-a-half-year observation of a boy from birth to toddlerhood. The author focuses on the impact of the usual separations and losses over time on the baby’s developing mind in the context of his relationship with mother. It describes the hard work involved in internalising a good object and how this impacts on the ability to take in truth and accept reality. If the present good breast can be held on to and thought about as a good breast-absent, established and appreciated in the mind, then thinking processes can develop, and anxiety, rage, rivalry and many other feelings can be worked through in phantasy, especially as the capacity for symbolic play develops. The length of the observation leads to a conviction that the capacity to accept and mourn the loss of the actual breast leads to new pleasures and adventures and a sense of authenticity.

Keywords:

• anxiety
• separation
• weaning
• development
• ambivalence
• secure attachment
• absent object

Acknowledgements

The author wishes to thank Lisa Miller and Eva Crasnow and colleagues from both seminar groups for their invaluable insight, support and kindness.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author.

Notes on contributor

Magda O’Connor is in training as a psychoanalyst at the British Association of Psychoanalysis. She has previously held an honorary psychotherapy position in the NHS and has worked for not-for-profit charitable organisations.

Notes

1 Names and all key details have been changed for reasons of confidentiality.