Graduating towards marriage? Attitudes towards marriage and relationships among university-educated British Muslim women

Abstract

This paper examines educated British South Asian Muslim women's conceptualisations, experiences of, and attitudes towards relationships and contemporary Muslim matrimonial practices, and notions of love and ‘Islamic’ or ‘halal’ relationships. Following a brief critique of representations of ‘arranged marriages’, this paper explores the shift from parentally arranged matrimonial matches to the highly individualised and commercialised matrimonial events that now characterise the British Muslim matrimonial scene. The paper highlights tensions between beliefs that the possession of a degree for Muslim women confers greater choice in matrimony and is thus highly beneficial in order to ‘secure’ an appropriate matrimonial match, and lived realities around difficulties in meeting suitable partners as factors such as increased age or being ‘over-qualified’ become significant. I argue that static terminologies such as ‘arranged marriage’ are no longer useful when describing processes of social change that are fluid and subject to continual negotiation and renegotiation and are contingent instead, upon localised, personalised, religious and transnational interpretations and influences.

Keywords:

• Muslim women
• marriage
• higher education
• South Asian women
• Islamic marriage

Acknowledgements

The author wishes to thank Santi Rozario, Geoffrey Samuel and Caroline Osella for helpful comments on an earlier draft of this paper.

Notes

1. An earlier version of this paper was initially presented at Finding Muslim Partners, Building Islamic Lives: Young South Asian Muslims At Home and in the Diaspora, Nov 5–7, 2010, Cardiff University, UK.

2. I am painfully aware that, in devoting a significant amount of attention to the issue of marriage in this paper, I run the risk prioritising matrimonial choices and patterns, thereby defining South Asian Muslim families and women based on one core feature. There is also, the other conceptual fear of essentialising certain sets of experiences and practices that are known to be in a state of constant re-definition and re-negotiation.

3. For a more detailed discussion on the ways South Asian marriages and families are often conceptualised and represented in media, policy and academic discourses, see Ahmad (2006b).

4. British Muslims, Personal Relationships and Identities in Contemporary Contexts, (2010–2011). The Aga Khan University, Institute for the Study of Muslim Civilisations (AKU-ISMC, UK).

5. There are some similarities here to the experiences of African-Caribbean women (4th PSI Survey, Modood et al. 1997).

6. In talking to representatives from a number of Muslim women's organisations across the country, issues around marriage (disagreements over choice of spouse, forced marriage, domestic violence, in-law and marital difficulties) are one of the key issues for which advice is sought. According to Shaista Gohir (outgoing Chair of the MWN at the time of writing), questions from women about polygamy are on the increase (personal communication). This again reflects new social realities as women who are divorced or widowed and finding re-marrying difficult, are either more likely to be approached as second wives, or are contemplating this as a more preferable option for themselves. It also appears to be an option some older and single Muslim women are increasingly willing to consider.

7. I should point out that the process of negotiation of marital preferences should not be viewed as an exclusive feature of ‘educated’ women. It is ultimately a reflection of personal relationships between daughters and parents, local realities and class-based expectations.

8. See also the Guardian newspaper's ‘Comment is Free’ online section where a young Muslim woman, Ruqaya Izzidien (2010), wrote about difficulties many Muslim women were facing in seeking husbands.

9. I am grateful to Prof Gordon Lynch for drawing my attention to the similarities with Beck and Gernsheim's work on personal relationships and individualisation and contemporary British Muslim relationships.