Surrender as a Developmental Achievement in Couple Systems

Abstract

This article explores the concept of surrender in couple relationships. It proposes that the ability to allow oneself to “surrender” to one's partner is a developmental achievement that enhances intimacy between partners. Rather than conceptualizing the act of surrender as an indication of submissive behavior and/or the abuse of power dynamics in the relationship, it is argued that surrender can be growth promoting for individuals in the context of their relationship. The article expands the conceptualization of Emmanuel Ghent's (1990) classic paper that differentiated the concepts of masochism, submission, and surrender. The concepts of the paper are illustrated in a summary of clinical work with a heterosexual couple.

KEYWORDS:

• surrender
• couple therapy
• complementary dynamics
• masochism
• Emmanuel Ghent
• submission
• power dynamics

Notes

All identifying information is disguised, but the clinical material represents the actual process of the couple engaged in couple therapy with the author.

Ghent utilized Winnicott's (1971) conceptualizations of the role of aggression in moving from object relating to object use in his understanding of the unconscious wishes behind masochism.

For a full description of phase-oriented work with couples with trauma histories, see K. Basham & D. Miehls (2004), Transforming the Legacy: Couple Therapy with Survivors of Childhood Trauma.