‘It’s my definition of a relationship, even though it doesn’t fit yours’: living in polyamorous relationships in a mononormative culture

ABSTRACT

One pervasive societal norm in Western societies is that of monogamy as the ‘natural’ way of practising relationships. Polyamorous individuals, who practise consensual non-monogamy, risk experiencing prejudice, discrimination, and marginalisation. The present study documents a thematic analysis of in-depth interviews with 11 Norwegian participants currently in polyamorous relationships, which resulted in three themes: (1) Wishing for normalisation; (2) Lack of literacy impedes recognition; and (3) The continuous consideration of disclosure. The results show that most participants experienced frequently being reminded of their relationship practice as ‘aberrant’ in the mononormative culture. In particular, participants stressed lack of recognition of their relationships as ‘real’, and linked this to scarce knowledge about what polyamory entails. Consequently, several participants considered carefully when to disclose their relationship structures, to avoid negative reactions from others. The study shows the consequences taken-for-granted norms can have for persons engaging in relationships that do not conform to these norms. Our study suggests that working towards a higher level of polyamory literacy, as well as a heightened awareness of the stressful environments the majority may unintentionally create for the polyamorous minority, is key to reduce minority stress for individuals living in other relationship structures than monogamy.

KEYWORDS:

• Polyamory
• consensual non-monogamy
• stigma
• minority stress
• thematic analysis

Acknowledgments

We first wish to thank our participants for sharing their time and personal experiences. Also, we want to thank Lynn Myrdal for the kind help with recruitment of participants. We highly appreciate Therese Hjellnes' and Christian Palacios Haugestad's helpful feedback on an earlier version of the manuscript. The manuscript benefited greatly from constructive comments from two anonymous reviewers, as well as valuable input from Anja Duun Skauge.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).

Data availability statement

Due to the nature of this qualitative research, participants of this study did not agree for their data to be shared publicly, so supporting data is not available.

Notes

1. We use the term ‘monogamy’ to refer to ‘the fact or custom of having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one other person at a time’ (‘Monogamy’, n.d.).

2. Our participants called their relationships ‘poly’ in Norwegian, which by PolyNorge (2020) is defined similarly as the broadest definition of ‘polyamory’ in English, as ‘a relationships style that allows people to openly conduct multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, ideally with the knowledge and consent of all involved in or affected by the relationships’ (Sheff & Tesene, 2015, p. 226).

3. We define majority members as people in the general public not practising polyamory.

Additional information

Notes on contributors

Ella Marie Sandbakken

Ella Marie Sandbakken, Master of Philosophy in Psychology, and University College Lecturer at the Department of Psychology at Bjørknes University College. The present study on experiences of individuals in polyamorous relationships was conducted as a part of her master’s thesis in psychology at the University of Oslo, and further developed during her position as University College Lecturer at Bjørknes University College.

Anita Skrautvol

Anita Skrautvol, Clinical Psychologist (NPF Specialist), Specialist in Clinical Sexology (NACS) and Character Analyst (NKI), with the private practice “Here for the Queer” in Oslo, Norway.

Ole Jacob Madsen

Ole Jacob Madsen, Professor of Cultural and Community Psychology, the Department of Psychology, University of Oslo.