Lesbian FLEX-ibility

Abstract

Lesbian ex-lover relationships have frequently been noted as unique phenomena, yet they have received little empirical or theoretical attention. In this article, the available literature on lesbian ex-lovers is examined, as are possible factors and/or motivations among lesbians for maintaining ties with ex-lovers, and especially for constructing close friend and/or family connections among lesbian ex-lovers-what the author calls FLEX relationships. Three main types of factors/motivations are identified: (a) those that reflect a problematic developmental perspective, (b) contextual influences (such as lesbians’ oppression as lesbians and women, socialization as girls and women, and the tendency for same-sex friendships), and (c) constructive challenges to traditional relational forms, family patterns and/or adult development models that offer alternative models for adult lives and relationships. Finally, the author considers the importance of attending to the ex-lover relational form and future directions this attention might take, closing with consideration of the implications for all of us-whatever our sexualities and gender identities-that may be drawn from telling constructive stories of friend/family relationships among lesbian ex-lovers.

Key Words:

• Lesbian
• ex-lover
• former partner
• friendship
• family
• personal relationships
• boundaries
• relationship breakup
• relationship repair