Gay Men Choosing to Co-Parent with Heterosexual Women

Abstract

Little is known about openly gay men who elect to conceive and raise children jointly with a heterosexual woman outside of marriage. Drawing on in-depth interviews with nine Israeli gay fathers who are co-parenting with a heterosexual woman, this study examines the factors associated with their unique family choice and the characteristics these men sought in selecting the mother. The findings revealed three key motivations for establishing a hetero-gay family: belief in the essential mother, belief in biological parenting, and the belief that the child's best interests dictate having two parents of the opposite sex. These beliefs, along with seeking co-parents with maternal attributes, reflect traditional attitudes and a wish to reproduce the traditional family. At the same time, however, these men all planned on being “new,” actively involved fathers who shoulder child-rearing responsibilities. Possible implications of holding concurrently traditional and progressive attitudes are discussed.

KEYWORDS:

• gay fathers
• fathering
• co-parenting
• gender relations
• queer theory
• hetero-gay families

Notes

¹Throughout this article, we will use the terms coupled and couple-ness as the translation of the original Hebrew word “Zugiyut,” which refers to a couple, regardless of gender, marital status, or level of intimacy. Thus “couple-ness” can be any two people of same sex or opposite sex including two men, two women, or a woman and a man.