The Justice of Intimacy

Abstract

I find that the process of couples therapy is marked by frequent judgments and accusations regarding “fairness” and “justice,” reflecting our cultural belief in the principle of the golden rule. Personification of self as autonomous, emphasized by Sullivan and underlined by a particularly American emphasis on individual independence, reinforces the couple's salient emphasis on responsibility and moral behavior. However, a preoccupation with “fairness” often masks anxiety about the extent to which we are vulnerable to need and influence in intimate relationships, and to profound difficulties in connecting to another. A therapist can help expand the couple's relationship discourse, while recognizing the complexity of value implications in moving beyond the frame of the golden rule. This expansion is viewed through the lens of psychoanalytic, systemic, and attachment theory. I illustrate my thinking with a brief clinical vignette.

Keywords:

• couples therapy
• ethics
• Sullivan
• attachment theory
• intimacy

Additional information

Notes on contributors

Mary-Joan Gerson

Mary-Joan Gerson, Ph.D. is Faculty and Supervisor, and Director, Advanced Specialization in Couple and Family Therapy, New York University Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis; and Founding President, Section VIII (Couples and Family Therapy), American Psychological Association.