Sharing Motherhood: Maternal Jealousy Among Lesbian Co-Mothers

Abstract

Previous research has not adequately addressed how gay and lesbian couples emotionally negotiate unequal biological ties to their children. Because each co-parent has the potential to be their child's biological parent and because same-sex couples highly value relationship equality, unequal biological ties to children may cause feelings of jealousy between co-parents. To counter this, increasing numbers of lesbian couples have been using in-vitro fertilization (IVF) to biologically co-mother, using the eggs of one partner and the womb of the other. While hardly common, this strategy can affect the emotional dynamics between the co-mothers and their children. This article explores how variables common to many lesbian-led families (including method of conception) may contribute to or protect against jealousy.

Presented data comes from an 18-month ethnographic study of 30 lesbian-led families with young children living in a major northeastern city. Ten couples adopted infants, 10 couples used assisted insemination (AI), and 10 couples used IVF to biologically co-mother. Lesbians' use of IVF to co-mother has not been previously studied. Methods included in-depth interviews, participant observation, and self-administered questionnaires.

Couples who adopted or used IVF reported less jealousy than couples who conceived using AI. Factors that correlate with the likelihood of experiencing maternal jealousy include both partners wanting to be a birth mother, perceptions of unequal biological ties to children, and infertility. Professionals serving lesbian co-mothers should be sensitive to the presence and absence of the above factors.

KEYWORDS:

• lesbian couples
• lesbian mothers
• co-mothers
• jealousy
• attachment
• in-vitro fertilization
• assisted insemination
• adoption
• new reproductive technologies

Suzanne Pelka graciously thanks Christina Palmer, Carole Browner, Tanya Luhrmann, Rick Shweder, Sydney Hans, Rene Almeling, Shannon Herbert, Brent Finger, Anne Peplau, and her graduate students for valuable feedback on earlier drafts.

This research was funded in part by The Lesbian Health Fund (subsidiary of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association), a Behnke-Harris Fellowship (Irving B. Harris Foundation), The Department of Comparative Human Development and The Lesbian & Gay Studies Project at The University of Chicago.

This article was written during a postdoctoral fellowship at the UCLA Center for Culture and Health funded by The Foundation for Psychocultural Research (The FFPR).

Notes

1. These findings may not generalize to lesbian populations that are not Caucasian and/or middle-class (M. Moore, personal communication, May 1, 2006).

2. A small percentage of fathers display sympathetic pregnancy symptoms, such as weight gain and nausea. Such ritualized behaviors and symptoms are known as “couvade” (see Broude, 1988; Browner, 1983; Klein, 1991; Munroe, Munroe, & Whiting, 1973 for full discussions of couvade). Nevertheless, male pregnancy symptoms do not appear to be related to male jealousy of the birth bond.

3. My literature review suggests that it is generally uncommon for men to feel jealous or envious of women's ability to give birth and breastfeed, however, there is data to suggest that some men feel jealous of the time and attention that their infants necessarily demand and receive from their female partners, particularly if the infant is breastfed. Jordan and Wall have written a few short pieces on this subject (Jordan, 1993; Jordan & Wall, 1990).

4. It is important to note that such feelings appear to significantly abate as physicality (i.e., breastfeeding) becomes less central to the mother/child bond (Pelka 2005).

5. Infant preference is defined here as behaviors exhibited by infants that facilitate or maintain the attentions of and proximity to a specific parent or caretaker. Such behaviors often include crying until picked up or soothed by the desired parent, physically moving toward that parent, etc.

6. The interview guide may be obtained by contacting the author.

7. For AI informants, Brenda and Mollie, the non-birth mother, Mollie, was often the preferred parent. Both women attributed their children's frequent favor for Mollie to Mollie's warm and nurturing personality. Mollie explained, “I cuddle them more.”