I Want You to Want Me: A Qualitative Analysis of Heterosexual Men's Desire to Feel Desired in Intimate Relationships

Abstract

Current sexual scripts for heterosexual relationships in the Western world stipulate that men should be the ones to initiate sexual activity, push to the next level of physical intimacy, and to desire women (and not be desirable themselves). However, there is building evidence that sexual scripts and gender roles are not only limited, they may be evolving and shifting over time. The purpose of the current study was to explore the degree to which feeling desired is considered important to heterosexual men in intimate relationships as well as how heterosexual men feel desired by their partners. Three hundred men between the ages of 18 and 65 were recruited from the online platform Reddit. Using Thematic Analysis, we determined that the vast majority of men in this study felt that feeling desired was very important to their sexual experiences. Men in this study listed several ways they felt desired, many that fell outside of traditional gender roles such as romantic, non-sexual touch and having women initiate sexual activity. The findings add to a growing body of literature which suggests traditional sexual scripts for heterosexual men may be limiting and not accurate for all men’s sexual experiences.

Acknowledgements

The authors would like to extend their gratitude to Dr. Robin Milhausen at the University of Guelph. Without her support and involvement this project would not have been possible.