(this editorial is solely dedicated to the couple whose
love has sustained them over time; less devoted
couples and husband caregivers need to await another
editorial) Nieli Langer, Editor
Perhaps nothing will test a marriage more sorely than when a husband develops a chronic, long-term illness or disability. When two people marry, they expect to share the responsibilities of life, to communicate with each other on the deepest levels, and to give and receive love. If the wife has suddenly been put into the role of caregiver, what should she do – and how can she stay strong while she does it? Being the caregiver is a job that often comes with its own unique set of challenges. Sometimes it feels like a privilege; sometimes it feels like a burden. Sometimes it feels like both of these things, all at once. As a wife caregiver, she will be expected to fulfill many of these roles: nurse, spiritual adviser, housekeeper, accountant, chef, social director, chauffer, and lover.
In this new chapter of a couple’s life, a major component, in order to navigate current and future development of events, will be the acquisition for both the husband and wife of as much knowledge of the illness and prognosis. They need to prioritize their questions – putting the most important ones first – to be sure they receive the info they need. The ill husband may or may not want complete information because for some, denial helps. However, the wife will cope better when she has accurate, firsthand information about his condition, treatment, and needs.
A wife’s attitude is critical to staying positive through a tumultuous time. Even though some couples may rail against God, it is self-defeating. Both partners must try to avoid dwelling on the ‘whys’ and concentrate on the ‘hows’ to make this new chapter in the marriage livable. A major medical diagnosis can lead to doctor-recommended changes in the husband’s diet, physical activity level, medication routine, and need for rest. A well spouse’s support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. The wife may feel anxious to get it right, relying on medical advice that has promised to place the sick spouse back on track. The ill spouse might not be used to being told what to do and feel he is being nagged. Listening more and talking less during stressful times may sidestep many confrontations. Not always sure what to say? That is okay. The husband needs to hear that he is loved and supported, mentally and even intimately. Listening when he wants to talk, or just spending quiet time together may often be what is needed. If possible, keeping shared routines that have been part of a couple’s life together – a TV movie and popcorn on Friday night, morning coffee and the daily newspaper, and/or walking the dog may provide the emotional stability that avoids the stress of the illness. After a serious diagnosis, both partners may cherish these everyday traditions more than ever.
The wife should never underestimate her needs when her partner faces a serious illness. Research involving heart-attack survivors and their partners has revealed that a well spouse’s risk of depression and anxiety increases when her partner experiences a major health crisis. Researchers have found that emotional distress increases equally in both partners, yet the well spouse is less likely to receive emotional support just when she needs the strength to care for a partner in new ways. She needs to talk about her fears, frustrations, and worries with someone she trusts. In addition to addressing her own health needs, she must continue with the social activities that gave her pleasure prior to her husband’s diagnosis. She will feel better, resent her husband less, and be more able to support her partner.
Belonging for an older couple signifies identification as a couple, sharing of values, comfortable interaction, and a sense of safety and security. To whatever extent the caregiver wife can take the lead during this trying time, she will probably never regret being the one who found the strength, courage, and compassion, to do what needed to be done.