Odes of Anacreon – Ode XXIX
Whenever I conceive of an idea for an editorial for The Journal of Educational Gerontology, I look for inspiration from varied sources. The motivation for the current editorial is the beautifully written historical novel, Courting Mr. Lincoln by Louis Bayard about the courtship between Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd. The notion that love should be the main reason to marry began to take hold in the late 18th century. However, well into the history of marital satisfaction and success in the US, marriage was mostly about economic survival. If the house was clean and the crop brought in an income, all was well. The love match between Mary and Abraham, however, was before its time in America.
Starting in the 1960’s, married couples began to expect not just mutual love, emotional support and physical satisfaction from one another, but also a kind of mutual empowerment. High expectations turned good marriages into great ones, while mediocre, imperfect pairings began to feel inadequate. Marriage is not about living your best lives in sync; however, a good marriage continues to be a work in progress with mutual satisfaction, especially for couples who are lucky enough to grow old together.
The Marriage proposal … A marriage proposal is an event where one person in a relationship asks for the other’s hand in marriage. If accepted, it marks the initiation of engagement, and a mutual promise of eventual marriage. It’s one of the stories girls just love to tell each other – ‘how he proposed.’ Today, there are many creative ways to propose marriage such as: (1.) A sweet proposal … Take her to your favorite restaurant, having already arranged with the head waiter that when the deserts are brought out, one of them will be an engagement ring atop a piece of pie. (2.) An accessory she’ll never forget … If the young lady always goes to her jewelry box in the morning, then secretly replace her favorite ring with an engagement ring. (3.) Advertise your marriage proposal on the big screen of a movie theater.
It’s an important moment in anyone’s life, so I surveyed my circle of friends to share the marriage proposals they received and accepted, for some, more than 50 years ago.
Nancy: Don came to my apartment to grill steaks. He brought food, all the fixings, and even a skillet. My daughter, Patricia, was three and a half at the time. She watched him unpack it all and slowly circled him. Out of the blue she asked, “Are you going to marry my Mama?” I guess she recognized a keeper! We were married five months later. We will celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary on July 9th.
Vicky: My husband’s marriage proposal wasn’t very romantic but the way in which he chose to ask me, showed his true feelings and intentions. Mike had left after college graduation to work in South Carolina; I was still in Alabama attending school. I was having a grand old time, especially with a mutual guy friend of ours who I was also attracted to. Knowing all this, I think Mike got worried and proposed over the phone! I, of course, accepted immediately because the truth of the matter was that I had loved him since I was 14!
Nieli: I think Oded’s marriage proposal must be seen in the cultural context in which it occurred. I had returned to Israel in 1967 after a 5-year absence; I spoke almost no Hebrew while Oded’s English was negligible. One night he said, ‘What you tink? Why we waste time? We get married and no waste time!’ I immediately said YES!
Terry: In the mid-sixties, if you were ‘going steady’ in South Africa, it was assumed that a wedding would soon follow. We decided to get married when I was 19 and John 22. My father was an alcoholic, so whenever we discussed the wedding when he was sober, he was all about it; but every evening when he was hammered, he would swear at and ridicule my fiancé and tell him he would never agree to it! Of course, being 19, I was underage (in SA you had to be 21), so getting his permission to wed soon hinged on getting him to agree to the match. We decided to go ahead and plan the wedding, but also secretly go to the Court to obtain a marriage license. John had gotten my father to sign the permission slip on a day when he was sober and agreeable. We then went and secretly got married at the Court. We had not brought a witness, so the filing clerk was persuaded to fulfill the role (for years after, she sent us anniversary cards!). When we felt secure enough to arrange our ‘big wedding,’ we engaged the services of a minister to whom we explained that we were, in fact, already married. After the beautiful religious ceremony, at the signing of the Registry, he produced a ‘manufactured’ license that we all signed for the photographer. My father started looking over my shoulder at the document but the Minister quickly snatched it away! I will never forget the Minister’s generous complicity. It all worked out well, even when my father got sizzled at the Reception and started verbally abusing my husband. BUT we didn’t care! We were already married!
Denise: He came to my front door carrying a cedar hope chest that he had made himself. Inside was a diamond ring. He went down on one knee and proposed! I said yes!
Diane: My second husband, Gus (we were married 18 years until his death), came to my home for dinner. He was a fine wine connoisseur and one of the funniest men I had ever met. He was talking to me while I prepared dinner. He told me he had brought a bottle of POPUS 1 wine (approximately $130/bottle). He handed it to me and on the label, he had hand written: ‘My dearest Dianne, will you marry me?’ Of course, I said yes.
Susan: When Alan was in the Navy and transferred to Schenectady, New York, I quit my job in Washington, D.C. and moved with him to upstate New York. That’s right … we were living in sin! After a while, however, when it appeared that a marriage proposal was not forthcoming, we said goodbye and I left for California. However, he must have realized that he was making the mistake of his life and he called, proposed, and I returned to Schenectady to get married. After more than 50 years, we both realized that ‘absence does make the heart grow fonder.’
Shari I: I was 18 years old on Christmas Eve when my steady boyfriend proposed. We were in my parents’ home and fancily dressed to attend Christmas church services. He attached a ring box to a stuffed pig (why?) and gave it to me as a Christmas present. I was shocked when I opened the box because I thought this proposal might come on Valentine’s Day. My first response was not joy but horror in case he had not asked my father’s permission. He had, of course, but I didn’t know it at the time. The ring fit perfectly and I wore it that night and got used to the idea of becoming a married woman. It was the first of many wonderful surprises I shared with this husband.
Shari II: We had been a couple for five years. We were both widowed in our 40’s and grieved together as we “dated.” I had recovered somewhat. I was in the middle of a doctoral program having left a job and moved to a small house to accommodate my salary as a grad assistant. Thanks to his salary, we traveled together before being married. In our European travels, there were many sites where I thought he might propose: in Rome, on a hill overlooking the city; in Paris, atop the Eiffel Tower; or, at his family’s European cottage. But no. I then decided to be self-reliant and consider our relationship a friendship … with benefits. One evening, upon his return from a European business trip, while soaking together in his lovely jacuzzi, he blurted out: “I think we should get married.” What a shock or maybe not! We were married that Spring. Perhaps he had been waiting for the proper five-year limit! So sweet that he got the idea at last!
Elaine: We were both college students, he part-time, with a full-time job and me, full-time. We spoke about getting married in the future even though he had a rather low draft number. He decided to enlist in the US Air Force but was turned down because of a knee injury. He got his draft status updated and enlisted in the army reserve. Within a few weeks, he received his draft notice. His older brother drove us to the Greyhound bus station so I could be with him until he left for Camp Drum. To my surprise, he proposed in the back seat of his brother’s car and we were married 10 months later.
Corinna: It was not an arranged marriage and neither of us proposed. We discussed it like you would any life changing situation as something we wanted to decide and do. It was a pattern that we established for all our married life … all major decisions have been thoroughly reviewed and settled. Even at the time of his proposal, I was happy to not just have to respond with a ‘yes or no.’
Gordon and Sheila: If you go to see the movie, Hotel Mumbai, you will not only get to view and experience the full impact of the events during a terrorist attack on a major Indian city, but you will also be privy to the venue where Gordon saw Sheila for the first time (actual name Taj Hotel). Gordon and Sheila were betrothed with the blessing of an arranged marriage between their two families, even before they actually met. Most arranged marriages are contracted with the knowledge of the social, economic and societal standing of each side. Both Sheila and Gordon were rooted in similar environments. Although Gordon calls his betrothal an act of ‘fate,’ their 50-year marriage based on love but also on mutually compatible backgrounds, perhaps made a successful match even more probable.
And last but not least …
Judy: My husband of 60 years proposed to me with the question: Judy, are you ready to walk in the sun with me?
In the ethical will that I drafted for my grandchildren, one of the recommendations that I made to them was: choose your spouse well; a good marriage is a gift from God regardless of the timing and tone of the original wedding proposal. Marriage should not be a life sentence. If you are able to channel love, commitment and intimacy to one person – it is a lifelong investment that as you age, pays rich dividends. Remember to nurture your marriage so it will thrive by being vigilant to one another’s needs and aspirations; continually work to make your spouse your best friend. Especially for an older couple, belonging signifies identification as a couple, sharing of values, comfortable interaction, and a sense of safety and security.