The autism spectrum guide to sexuality and relationships. Understand yourself and make choices that are right for you

‘Sexual activity should be fun and pleasurable and take place alone or with consenting partner(s) in a safe place or manner … it is not better or worse to be sexual or non-sexual – it just is’ (pp. 276). This is the core message which Dr Emma Goodall conveys throughout The Autism Spectrum Guide to Sexuality and Relationships. Breaking down the myth of autistic adults as childlike, asexual or sexless human beings, Goodall joins a growing number of autistic writers who are challenging such stereotypes by writing about their own experiences, giving examples from autistic people and setting out relationship guidelines for other autistic people (see Newport and Newport 2002; Mendes 2015).

Written in response to a lack of resources for autistic adults relating to relationships, particularly for those who are non-heterosexual or gender questioning, this book is, as described by Jeanette Purkis in the foreword; ‘a one-stop-shop’ for autistic adults (15). A vast range of topics are covered by Goodall, ranging from starting and ending relationships, to sexual health, contraception and having children (or not!). Written in such a way that avoids unnecessary or complex language, the guide is accessible to a wide audience and is suitable for anyone, no matter what their relationship status. Free from moralising, judgement or condescension, the author unravels the hidden curriculum of relationships and offers autistic adults a foothold in the complex and often perplexing world of dating and sex. Inclusive of a wide range of sexualities and genders, the book gives an honest and frank insight into relationships from an autistic perspective.

Due to a willingness to please and an overly trusting nature, many autistic people are vulnerable to emotional, physical, sexual and economic abuse. The author tackles these issues candidly, outlining what both healthy and unhealthy relationships involve. Importantly, these relationships include friendships, family and co-workers, not just potential sexual or romantic partners. Conversely, Goodall also recognises that autistic people are also sometimes the perpetrators of abuse and the book offers opportunities for those individuals to recognise their behaviour as abusive and to seek help to change those behaviours. Understanding the nuances of relationships and the often unwritten rules on which they are based is vital for autistic adults to not only protect themselves from abuse but to be able to make positive choices for themselves.

Choice is a central theme throughout the volume. Goodall stresses in every chapter that whatever choices are made by an individual are fine as long as they are legal and safe for all parties involved. More pertinently, the author equips readers to make their own choices by outlining the possible consequences of their choices and giving real-life examples. In doing so, greater distance is created between the assumption of asexuality and immaturity among autistic adults and the actual reality of their relationships.

Research in the field of autism and sexuality often results in the call for specific socio-sexual education which is individualised and specifically designed to be taught with autistic traits in mind (Gougeon 2010; Tissot 2009). However, the sexual education of autistic children and adolescents often arises from concerns surrounding the presentation of sexual behaviours which deviate from the socially accepted norm or concerns around the risk of sexual abuse (Zangrillo and Tullis 2013). Far from the reactive model of sex education suggested by researchers, Goodall has written a guide which is proactive and focuses on not only starting and maintaining relationships but also decreasing the likelihood of negative sexual outcomes such as sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy. Any potentially harmful sexual practices such as addiction to pornography are discussed in a non-judgemental way and the author suggests places where help and support can be obtained.

Communication in any relationship is key to its success or demise. We are told this by relationship counsellors, friends, relatives and across the media. For many years, a central feature of the diagnosis of autism was being unable to understand the sub-contexts of social communication and this has often been attributed to autistic individuals’ lack of success in social relationships. Rather than modifying the communication styles of autistic people or educating them to respond in a more non-autistic way, Goodall explains that there is a difference in the way autistic and non-autistic people communicate, not a deficit in understanding by the autistic person. The author goes on to describe how although words and body language are used by everyone, they are used in different ways which can result in misunderstandings from both parties. By giving examples of when a non-autistic individual may misunderstand an autistic individual, responsibility for understanding the other person is shared.

The Autism Spectrum Guide to Sexuality and Relationships is an optimistic guide to sexuality and relationships which shows that, contrary to popular belief, autistic people can and do have positive, healthy and successful relationships. The value of this book to autistic people is clear as it enables and equips them to initiate relationships, maintain relationships, end relationships and navigate the tricky and complex world of sex and romance. The autism guide to sexuality and relationships should be required reading for professionals and support workers as it offers an insiders’ perspective of relationships. This also seems to be an important book for researchers in the field of autism and sexuality as it moves away from the tired tropes of deficit, towards an understanding of autism as difference.

Kirsty Fletcher
The Open University
Faculty of Wellbeing, Education and Language Studies
Milton Keynes
United Kingdom
[email protected]