Crossing Over

Abstract

Using fantasies, dreams, and detailed clinical process I take the reader with me through a 10-year analysis in which Rebecca transitions to becoming a transman, Raphael, while I, too, transition in my psychoanalytic understanding of the processes and meanings that inform this journey. I explore the materiality of trans narratives, the centrality of the body, and the acquisition of sexed embodiment, a complex process of gaining a sense of ownership and investment in one's bodily self and genitals. I venture into the role of unconscious phantasies, the body as vessel for that which cannot be spoken, and the role of colonization of the body by the other. In addition, I explore the shifting transference/countertransference dynamics, the changing relational matrix that ensues when transitioning occurs, and interrogate my own sense of gendered embodiment.

Notes

¹With hindsight I have wondered, given the sequence of the last two dreams, whether she perceived my surprise at her wish to have me make her a man and was unconsciously trying to be more feminine to gain my approval, or unconsciously to identify with me.

²See Gershman (1970), Kubie (1973), and Socarides (1970).

³See Hausman (1995) and Raymond (1979).

⁴I did not share any of my dreams with Rebecca during the work.

⁵I am indebted to Mannie Ghent's work, especially his 1990 paper on distinguishing surrender from submission and masochism.

⁶We also explored the other part of the fantasy: wanting her partner to submit, on her knees, and do something she was not comfortable with, and the transference implications of the fantasy.

⁷Other trans narratives I began reading were Bornstein (1995), Califa (1997), Feinberg (1996), and Halberstam (1998).

⁸See Lemma (2010) for a similar concept with body modifiers. She discussed three central phantasies (reclaiming, ideal self, and self made).

⁹For other early references of analysts who do not see the two as mutually exclusive, see Chiland (2000), Eigen (1996), Person and Ovesey (1974), and Quinodoz (1998).

¹⁰It is only on writing this paper that Raphael learned of my dreams, and the verbalization of my feelings. He told me there was not much that surprised him even if there was much that had not been spoken.

¹¹One and a half years later he continues to excel. He has had top surgery, a decision that he was ready for and that he feels was right. In his new career he has been recognized and is growing emotionally and spiritually. He has become a loving, consistent father to his son, and despite a turbulent relationship with his partner, he has not run away, or withdrawn when injured, but persisted in being kind and caring.

Additional information

Notes on contributors

Melanie Suchet

Melanie Suchet, Ph.D., is an Associate Editor of Psychoanalytic Dialogues and a Contributing Editor of Studies in Gender and Sexuality. She is a faculty member at the Stephen A. Mitchell Center for Relational Studies and in private practice in Manhattan. She is the originator and coeditor of Relational Psychoanalysis: Volume 3, dedicated to bringing to the fore newer ideas, especially political and social issues and introducing newer literary forms of writing.