Post-separation fatherhood narratives in Germany and Sweden: between caring and protective masculinities

ABSTRACT

Over the last two decades, men themselves have been dedicating more time and resources to care work within families. After parents’ separation, however, mothers are still commonly the primary caregiver. A major change though has been the introduction of shared residency models. While in Sweden shared residency is widely adopted, in Germany, however, it is only rarely practiced. Drawing on these differences, the qualitative study uses data from 12 interviews to explore and compare experiences of fatherhood after separation in Sweden and Germany. The articles applies the concepts of caring and protective masculinities to discuss the relation between masculinity and fatherhood in men’s identities as fathers. Applying both concepts aims to theorize how both notions of care and protection are entangled in practices of male care. The study discovered that, even though most fathers in the sample have shared residency models, there is great variation in how fatherhood is experienced. The relationship with the mother, legal regulations and socio-cultural norms were identified as decisive determinants for post-separation fathering. Especially sharing care and responsibilities equally after separation contributed to sharpening men’s understanding of care work.

KEYWORDS:

• Father–child relationship
• caring masculinities
• protective masculinities
• fatherhood
• separation
• shared residency

Introduction

Once widespread across Europe and other Western societies, the importance of the nuclear family is diminishing and is replaced by diverse family forms and norms. Non-marital childbearing, cohabitation, and postponement of marriage and parenthood have diversified the picture of today’s families (e.g. Mills & Blossfeld, 2013). Simultaneously, gender role attitudes have been changing over the last 50 years, and gender egalitarian values are substituting traditional ones (Grunow et al., 2018; Müller et al., 2018). Thereby, expectations and norms of femininity and masculinity as well as mother- and fatherhood have changed considerably. Not only are men expected to take over caring responsibilities, but also men themselves want to take an active role in family life (Scarborough et al., 2019). In many European societies, an equal division of childcare and housework between couples is a constant topic of public, political, and academic discourses and even more intensively discussed in light of the ongoing corona crisis (Hank & Steinbach, 2020; Hipp & Bünning, 2021; Power, 2020).

In addition, family dynamics in Europe are characterized by an increasing number of separated and reconstituted families, and single parents (Nieuwenhuis et al., 2020; OECD, 2011). Nowadays, about one out of two marriages are divorced and many children have not only one but several homes (Eurostat, 2020). After separation, families are facing profound changes in their living arrangements – –e.g. relocation of parents, changes in frequency and quality of the parent–child contact.

Generally, there has been a development towards shared residency after separation in many European countries, meaning that children are residing equally with both parents (Nieuwenhuis et al., 2020). Importantly, the post-separation residency arrangements, and thus the quality and quantity of parent–child contact, are strongly influenced by the sociopolitical context (Kalmijn, 2015). Most of the children are still primarily living with their mothers, only seeing their fathers occasionally, in many cases every other weekend. This type of arrangement has been institutionalized in many European societies, building on a gendered idea of parenthood: mothers are the main and most important caregivers, while fathers only play a secondary role (Andreasson & Johansson, 2019). Thus, father–child relationships are particularly affected by the consequences of separation, leading to extensive gender differences in parental involvement. Having said this, within Europe, there is a considerable variation in regulations and norms for custody arrangements which are impacting families’ post-separation arrangements. Kalmijn (2015), for example, compares post-separation father–child relationships in England, Germany, the Netherlands, and Sweden. The father–child relationships in Sweden are found to be the strongest; in Germany, they are comparably weak. Indeed, while in Sweden more than one-third of the separated parents share residency equally, in Germany traditional arrangements, with the mother as the primary caregiver, are dominating and only around 10–15 percent share residency equally (Institut für Demoskopie Allensbach, 2017; Statistics Sweden, 2014).

Taking Kalmijn's (2015) comparative quantitative study as a starting point, this paper, based on a qualitative comparative study, aims for a deeper understanding of fatherhood and male care work after separation in Sweden and Germany. When looking at the experiences, the comparative perspective is an integral part of the study accounting for the impact of the socio-cultural context. By drawing on the theoretical framework of caring and protective masculinities (Elliott, 2016; Wojnicka, 2020, 2021), the study sets out to investigate the incorporation of (widely understood) care values and activities in men’s identities as fathers. Existing research has been extensively addressing the impact of separation on father–child relationships, the division of unpaid labour between couples, and the involvement of men in care work. Few studies, however, have combined those research fields. Consequently, this study sets out to fill that gap and include insights from family and gender studies, critical men and masculinity studies, and social policy research. The paper is structured as follows: firstly, we present an overview of previous research on father–child relationships after separation and male care work in general as well as country-specific contexts. Secondly, we outline the theoretical frameworks of caring and protective masculinities. This is followed by presentation of methodology and empirical material. Lastly, we focus on the presentation of the study’s main findings that climax in the concluding discussion.

Fatherhood, care and separation: on overview of the field

Much of the existing literature illustrates how especially the loss of co-residency and/or custody negatively affects post-separation father–child relationships. In the very early study conducted in the US, Seltzer (1991) showed that when parents shared social and economic responsibilities, children adapted better to the circumstances than when the mother solely bore all responsibilities. However, Amato and Booth (1996) found that the contact with the noncustodial parent, mostly the father, decreases over time. This was true even when noncustodial parents have been involved before separation and led to lower levels of attachment in later life. This has been confirmed by Shapiro and Lambert's (1999) findings displaying that divorced, nonresident fathers reported a significantly worse father–child relationship quality than residing fathers. Interestingly, divorced fathers with shared residency reported similar levels of relationship quality than married fathers, underlining that the loss of co-residence has severe consequences for the parent–child relationship quality. Over time, however, fathers’ involvement after separation has increased. In a systematic literature review Berman and Daneback (2020) showed that shared residency generally is a suitable post-separation living arrangement for many children and the popularity of such a solution systematically grows. Overall, previous research identified socioeconomic resources, relationship with the mother, sharing residency, custody and responsibilities, and socio-cultural norms as important determinants of post-separation father–child relationships (e.g. Haux et al., 2015; Kalmijn, 2015). The importance of social norms also hints at the potential effect that institutions – which reflect and shape social norms – might have on father–child relationships. Fletcher and StGeorge (2010), for example, examined mediation practices of post-separation parenting while Vanassche et al. (2013) analysed the association between shared residency and children’s emotional well-being in later life in Belgium.

With regard to investigated countries, besides increasing father–child contact, shared residency models have become more common in both Sweden and Germany and research on those arrangements is growing (Fransson et al., 2018; Walper & Lux, 2016). Köppen et al. (2018) show that in Germany, the father’s partnership history, current partnership status, and sharing legal custody with the mother are decisive determinants for nonresident fathers’ regular involvement. Fathers without joint legal custody were more likely to lose contact with their children. Another study from Germany indicated that in 2016/2017 more than 75 percent of the separated parents were still in contact with their children, but more fathers than mothers lost contact (18 percent versus 3 percent). Not being in contact with their children was mostly due to conflict between parents. In conclusion, they identified a trend among separated parents in Germany: mothers still take over the main part of childcare, but both mothers and fathers wish for a more equal distribution (Institut für Demoskopie Allensbach, 2017). These findings highlight the importance of investigating the obstacles for reaching more equal distributions of childcare among separated parents and thereby allowing for a stronger involvement of fathers. For example, Nielsen (2014) showed that children primarily living with their mother and spending less than 35 percent of the time with their fathers had worse outcomes of emotional behaviour and less close relationships with their parents. In Sweden, in the 1990s about 20 percent of the children lost contact with their fathers; in the early 2000s, the number decreased to 10 percent (Johansson, 2012 cited after Andreasson & Johansson, 2019). Nowadays, shared residency arrangements are more widespread. Fritzell et al. (2020) have looked at associations between family arrangements and parental health in Sweden. Overall, they found that two biological parent families report lower levels of worry than any other family type. Joint physical custody for children did not seem to decrease levels of worry for parents but even increased for mothers and single fathers. Fransson et al. (2015, 2018) found that Swedish children’s well-being in shared residency arrangements is better than when primarily living with one parent. Lamb and Kelly (2009) even show that both parents and their children’s well-being benefit from sharing residency equally. Drawing on interviews with separated fathers in Sweden, Andreasson and Johansson (2019) conclude that the strong desire for and incorporation of gender-equal family practices are the main drivers for shared residency models after separation.

Turning now to the overview of the literature on masculinity, fatherhood, and care work. For long, care work has been regarded as the natural domain of women, while men have been presented as poor caregivers diminished in their masculinity (Björk, 2015; Thompson, 2002). Even today, this assumption is widespread, and women take over most of the care work (Hochschild & Machung, 2012). While men have increased their involvement, caring often remains a choice for men and a social expectation for women. Being so deeply connected to femininity, performing care work requires men to adopt values that are antithetical to widespread forms of masculinity (Hanlon, 2012). Previous work on paternal care was done by Suwada (2017) who looked at practices of fatherhood in Sweden and Poland. In comparison to Polish fathers, Swedish fathers preferred to define parenthood in terms of equality and were more aware of the cultural impact on parental roles. Besides the cultural differences, Suwada (2017) concluded that the biological difference between motherhood and fatherhood still has a great impact on the practice of fatherhood in both countries. Many used it as an excuse to withdraw from caring activities. Notwithstanding, Suwada (2017) also underlined that becoming a father might have a transformative effect on male identity as it helps men to discover more sensitive and emotional aspects of their identities. An ethnographic study on the emerging ideal of involved fathers in Germany concluded that contemporary normative discourses on fatherhood and policy reforms are re-signifying gender roles, changing representations of fathers, and facilitating new forms of caring masculinities (Joshi, 2021).

Country-specific context: Sweden and Germany

The configuration of post-separation family arrangements is considerably shaped by national legislation and country-specific norms about family life and gender roles. Both Sweden and Germany emphasize gender equality in their social policies, albeit to a varying extent. Within the existing literature, Sweden is classified as a social-democratic gender regime (Sumer, 2009; Walby, 2020) because of its strong integration of women in politics and the labour market. Understood as a ‘forerunner’ in promoting egalitarian policies, Sweden strongly encourages joint earning and parental caring (Grunow et al., 2018, p. 48). Making reconciliation of paid and care work possible, Sweden has not only institutionalized a strong basis of de-familiarizing policies, but also the involvement of men in care work and childcare (Johansson & Klinth, 2008). Hence, caregiving and gender equality have been essential parts of discussing masculinity in Sweden while also traditionally masculine attributes such as the male provider role still not have disappeared (Björk, 2015). Germany, however, is considered as a ‘borderline’ case in transition from a domestic to a public, social-democratic gender regime (Grunow et al., 2018, p. 49). The involvement of women in the labour market has increased considerably and paid parental leave policies have been expanded. Nonetheless, the one-and-a-half breadwinner model is still the dominating form of family arrangements, and policies such as joint taxation are still in place supporting the gendered separation of spheres (Müller et al., 2018). In Germany, gender equality is neither as strongly institutionalized nor understood as a fundamental characteristic of society. Family policies are slowly adapting to society’s changing attitudes, and not least the needs of modern families. This affects custody arrangements as well. Regarding post-separation patterns of childcare, families individually decide how to divide up family responsibilities. If they have difficulties, they can use family counselling. However, if no agreement can be reached, family courts are involved (Familienportal, 2021). There are three common solutions. The Residenzmodell is the most common one, with one primary caretaker, mostly the mother. In exchange, the other parent pays financial alimony and has visitation rights, usually every other weekend. The second model is known as the Wechselmodell where both parents share everything equally. So far, there are no legal regulations for this model and in practice, it requires that separated parents can communicate peacefully (Deutscher Bundestag, 2018). The third model, Erweiterter Umgang, is intermediate; children primarily reside with one parent but meet the other parent regularly, more than every other weekend. Alimony is still paid but can be downgraded accordingly (Bundesverband alleinerziehender Mütter und Väter e. V. (VAMV), 2019). In Sweden, children mostly live with their mothers, but shared residency is slowly becoming the norm as more than half of the children with recently separated parents equally live with both parents (Fransson et al., 2015). In contrast to Germany, the popularity of shared residency can be linked to Swedish family policies strongly supporting dual-earner models. Among the OECD countries, Sweden has the second-highest proportion of female employment (almost 80 percent) making shared residency not only desired but also necessary (Fransson et al., 2016; OECD, 2015). Generally, families decide how to arrange family life after separation, and, if needed, municipal social services offer counselling (Statistics Sweden, 2014). If the parents are unable to decide, courts are involved to force legally binding agreements (Fransson et al., 2018). If the children alternately live with both parents, usually no alimony is paid. If the children primarily live with one parent, the other parent is obliged to pay alimony.

With their respective social and family policies, both countries provide a different platform for families to arrange their living circumstances after separation. Besides the legal regulations, existing research has shown that the incorporation of gender-egalitarian norms in Sweden strongly impacts how families, and specifically fathers, engage in care work after separation (Andreasson & Johansson, 2019). Hence, the outlined differences provide an interesting background for a comparative study between Sweden and Germany.

Theoretical framework

One of the most influential approaches to theorizing masculinity is the concept of hegemonic masculinity (Connell, 2005; Connell et al., 1982; Connell & Messerschmidt, 2005) that until today, despite some significant criticism (Beasley, 2008), shapes the character of contemporary men and masculinities scholarship (Wojnicka, 2020) and hence, serves as a point of departure for the theoretical framework of this study. The second is the concept of caring masculinity which is defined as a new form of masculinity and was introduced by Hanlon (2012) who argues that progressive masculinities must integrate emotional values that emphasize care. Thereby, Hanlon paved the way for new theoretical approaches of masculinities such as caring masculinities, which will be the guiding theoretical framework for this study. In the mid 2000s, the concept of caring masculinities entered the international discourse on men and masculinities. It is understood as a critical form of men’s involvement in promoting gender equality (Heilmann & Scholz, 2017). In her account on caring masculinities, Elliott (2016) draws upon insights from critical men and masculinities scholarship and feminist care theory to construct a theoretical framework. The concept proposes that rejecting dominance and including care values in male identities improves the development towards gender equality dramatically. Building on the prominent distinction between caring for and caring about (Tronto, 1998) she argues that men’s practices of care work can help them to develop non-dominant, caring forms of masculinity. Caring for is understood as the practical aspect of care, whereas caring about includes affection and relationality of care work. She argues that if men devote more time to caring for, they will also start to care about and incorporate care values. Having said this, the understanding of care and what this term really inclines is sometimes blurred; male care can be confused with male protection and used as its synonym, which, in our view, is incorrect. Such lack of precision can result in statements that some elements of care are part of the definition of hegemonic masculinity (Tronto, 2013), as (for some) breadwinning and protection can be seen as masculine forms of care (ibiden). In our understanding care is a highly complex phenomenon with ‘(…) a dual set of meanings. It refers both to a mental disposition and the actual practices that we engage in as a result of these concerns’ (Tronto, 1998, p. 16). Therefore, to properly analyze the meaning of caring activities that are undertaken by separated fathers, we use the concept of protective masculinity understood as a specific form of hegemonic masculinity (Wojnicka, 2021). The term itself has a political science’s origin and was coined in the study of the use of emotions by politicians (Johnson, 2013). In our take on the concept, this type of masculinity is connected to physical strength, power and control and defines so called male role mostly in terms of providing financial and physical protection to dependent women and children. The protection can be sometimes associated with caregiving (Tronto, 1998) and practical daily-base care work, but usually in extraordinary situations, that require non-normative arrangements. In this sense, protective masculinity is in fact oppositional to caring masculinity as in the case of the latter masculinity is defined as equal to other forms of genders, and male roles are linked to everyday caring activities. Protecting masculinity on the other hand is constituted around domination of men and (incidental) physical or financial protection (Wojnicka, 2021).

Considering the theoretical framework of caring and protective masculinities and changing expectations towards fatherhood, nowadays, fathers’ active involvement in their children’s lives after separation is expected to be pronounced in the interviews, in both countries. In this study, separation is considered as another turning point in fatherhood initiating paternal identity reconstruction. Exploring fathers’ practice of care work after separation promises valuable insights into the development of less dominating and more emotional forms of men’s identities but also gives an opportunity to examine if these new forms of men’s practices are having emancipatory potential (caring masculinity) or are just another form of prevailing hegemonic practices (protective masculinity).

Methodology and data

The qualitative study included 12 semi-structured interviews with separated fathers, six from each country. During January and February 2021, the participants were recruited through Facebook groups – e.g. those targeting separated parents. Furthermore, participants were recruited through the network of the first author’s network, although she did not know any of the participants personally. The interviews took place in February and March 2021 using the video conferencing software Zoom (Zoom, 2021). Except for one having German as his second language, all participants were interviewed in their native language, German or Swedish. The audio versions of the interviews were digitally recorded and transcribed verbatim. The study was following the ethical guidelines provided by the European Code of Conduct for Research Integrity (ALLEA Member Academies, 2017). Participation was voluntary and anonymous; a withdrawal was possible at any time and quotes in the text are presented with pseudonyms. Regarding demographic characteristics of the sample, the age range of the fathers was 38–58 years, with a mean age of 48 years in the Swedish and 50 years in the German group. Most of the participants were in their mid-thirties when their first child was born, three of them were in their early forties. Since the 1970s, there has been a considerable increase in parental mean age at first childbirth in both countries, with most fathers being well above 30 when their first child is born (Dudel & Kluesener, 2016; Svensson et al., 2011). Thus, from a Western European perspective, the sample reflects a representative sample concerning the age of the fathers. The age range of the children in Sweden was between 1.5 and 26 years, in Germany between 4 and 17 years. The living circumstances after separation varied considerably between participants. Most of the participants have a somewhat conflictual relationship with the mother and went through a troublesome separation, which largely affected the negotiations of responsibilities for their children. Those having a non-conflictual relationship both have a shared residency arrangement. Having a somewhat conflictual relationship, however, does not predict the families’ living arrangements as some conflictual families have shared residency arrangements.

The study aimed to avoid exploring a specific group and take on an intersectional approach with participants from different ethnic, class, and religious backgrounds. Ultimately, the sample consisted of nine fathers from a middle-class and three from a working-class background. Except for two, all participants were living in the country they were born. All participants identified as male and heterosexual, except one who identified as bisexual. Seven out of 12 respondents identified as Christian, the remaining five did not consider themselves as religiously affiliated. All participants lived within 25km of a municipality with more than 150,000 inhabitants, were full-time employed, and had at least completed upper secondary school. In conclusion, the study is situated in an urban, White, middle- and working-class environment, reflecting heteronormative experiences of fatherhood after separation.

The data analysis proceeded in two phases following the guide for qualitative data analysis by Dierckx de Casterlé et al. (2012). Furthermore, elements from thematic analysis (Braun & Clarke, 2006) we added. It is considered a critical framework designed to interrogate patterns within social meanings. The experiences of the fathers often arose from conflictual circumstances heavily influenced by social norms about parenthood and gender roles. Epistemologically, the study took on a constructivist perspective. In the preparation phase, all transcripts were read carefully and eventually, coded, and compared in NVivo (NVivo 12; ORS International, 2021).

Lastly, the first Author, who conducted all interviews, kept a notebook to reflect on the social encounters that occurred during fieldwork (Macht, 2017). Interviews are social situations shaped and constructed by social structures and the positionality of the researcher and the participant within a social context (Mason, 2018; Wojnicka, 2020). Thus, she always tried to consider the reciprocal nature of interviews whereby knowledge is constructed in the interaction between researcher and participant, not neutrally but based on the researchers’ and participants’ experiences, knowledge, and positions (Björk, 2015; Kvale, 2007; Mason, 2018). Most importantly, she was in a different life stage, neither having children nor being married, which provided her with a different starting point to talk about the topics. Additionally, being a female researcher in mid-20s researching on men, she paid attention to the power relations arising from age, sex, status, and culture. With existing research in mind, she especially tried to be aware of gendered dynamics arising during the interviews (Macht, 2017; Wojnicka, 2020). For that purpose, she created a professional interview encounter by wearing neutral clothes, no jewelry or makeup.

While she understood the participants as experts in their field, she tried to give little personal information and answered in a friendly, but neutral way. It is worth adding that throughout the interviews, she was confronted with accounts of mansplaining, which is broadly understood as the act of men explaining things to women that are obvious to them. Explaining is not done to communicate but to take up a superior expert position (Solnit, 2016). She received not only questions but also suggestions on how to proceed and improve the project. Furthermore, some participants made critical comments about the role of women, feminism, and gender equality. In both cases, she decided to remain calm, not taking upon their comments or lecturing them. Lastly, the gendered dynamic of the interview situation may also have affected the respondents’ narratives in terms of social desirability. Being interviewed by a younger, female scholar researching on gender and family studies, the respondents may have felt the urge to present themselves as more progressive and supportive of gender egalitarian parenting practices (Wojnicka, 2020).

Findings

Throughout the analysis, three core categories emerged: preceding circumstances, challenges and changes, and fatherhood and care work. The former two describe the fathers’ experiences surrounding, and – especially relevant for the first research question – after the separation. The latter core category describes the participants’ perception of fatherhood and their thoughts on the interrelation of gender and care work – particularly important for discussing the second research question.

Separating: preceding circumstances

In both countries, the romantic relationship and the breakup thereof took up a considerable part of the interviews. Like Jens, many of the participants critically assessed the quality of the couple’s relationship, especially the distribution of unpaid household labour. Even if intending to share responsibilities equally, it was often passively adjusted to the living circumstances, producing rather traditional parenting roles whereby the father stands for practical things, and the mother for the social life and care work. Retrospectively, many expressed regrets about not having engaged themselves more at home. Furthermore, as expressed by Bengt, arranging paid labour and family life was repetitively named as an obstacle to be more involved in both countries.

Unfortunately, we didn’t make an agreement. But it was definitely the case that I made dinner for example, and indeed changed diapers […] but of course not as much as she did. But during the time we both were home I did at least half of it. Jens (50), Germany, 2 children

Back then I had a quite time-consuming job and an additional business, so I didn’t take over so much responsibility for the children. But back then we both agreed with the situation. It must have been like that because my financial contributions were bigger … Yes, there was an agreement. You can think whatever you want but retrospectively that wasn’t so great maybe. Bengt (52), Sweden, 5 children

While separating, particularly the German fathers named the alimony as a major obstacle for finding an arrangement with the mother. Like Alexander, the imbalance between the actual time spent on caring and the amount of alimony to pay was harshly criticized. In many cases, the German fathers want to spend more time with their children but are still obliged to pay at least the minimum alimony which they perceived as highly unfair and outdated.

Equally cared for by both parents, that is what is best for my child. […] But also, equally sharing care and alimony. There is an imbalance in the system. If I consider that I take care of my child for 1/3 of the time and but still must pay 100 percent of the alimony […] that is maybe a reason for the refusal [of the mother] to cooperate in this system, the alimony […] and that may also be an incentive to prevent the other parent from taking over more time to care. Alexander (41), Germany, 1 child

Challenges and changes

With regard to the major challenges, communication with the ex-partner seem to be the main one. In both Sweden and Germany, communicating with the mother was named as a major challenge for arranging family life after separation. Many described how the mothers avoided contact with them, even in meeting with authorities. Like in Per’s case, having regular contact with the children was restricted – often regulated through the mother. The lack of willingness to communicate constrained their desired involvement in childcare. Many were especially upset about the interaction with the authorities always suggesting cooperation with the mother. As Jens described, many felt unfairly treated because the mothers often cancelled without any consequences, while they had to carefully watch their behaviour.

This [the communication] is what makes it so complicated. The social authorities always say you must cooperate. This is a joke. After she left and I told them that I didn’t know where she is and asked them if they think she was good at cooperating? And they were like, ja eh, maybe not … (laughs). Per (41), Sweden, 1 child

I don’t know how many people said it would be great if we would cooperate […] Every counselor comes and says both parents are responsible, which I think is so annoying because during counseling I have never canceled while she canceled four times. Jens (50), Germany, 2 children

Despite a conflictual relationship, many German fathers emphasized the importance of avoiding talking badly about the mother. This was one of the most important norms they imposed upon themselves. By separating the personal conflict with the mother and the children’s perspective, Ralf underlines the importance of both having a mother and a father who are involved in their children’s life.

The essential point is […] first and foremost, never talk badly about the mother or something like that. Never. Because they have always been there, and if you see it from the children’s perspective, both father and mother are … absolutely equal for the children. Ralf (53), Germany, 2 children

Difficulties in communication are not the only challenges for the separated fathers. Like Bengt illustrates, going from being involved in daily life to only seeing the children occasionally was perceived as a great emotional burden. One must come up with great financial, social, and mental resources to overcome this situation. In Bengt’s case, the suffering even affected his ability to perform paid labour. Generally, a supportive network was named as important to cope with the challenges after separation. Especially in conflictual situations, it helped to see things clearly and stay calm. Nonetheless, in both countries, many described their willingness to give up on their needs and dedicate themselves to the relationship with their children. Like Alexander, the participants put their children’s needs above their life quality – e.g. moving to a place one does not feel connected to, or abstaining from career opportunities.

Especially in the beginning, it was almost, it hurt so much […] But I went from being a part of their everyday life to not seeing them at all. And that was more than half a year. During that time, it hurt as I remember it. I was even absent from work sometimes because I was just feeling so bad. Bengt (52), Sweden, 5 children

I only did that for the sake of my child. I don’t have any connection to the place I live, but I did it for my child because it is the center of [their] life […] My child loves the mother as much as me. And that is okay. Therefore, I can cope with it. I can see that my child is happy when [they] are together with both mom and dad. Alexander (41), Germany, 1 child

Having said this, besides rearranging the family situation during often onerous and tiring periods, fathers from both countries underlined positive outcomes of shared residency. Like Oskar describes, many experienced an intensification of their role as a father because they take care of all family responsibilities themselves. Without having the conflict of the separation around and spending more time together during weekdays, many described themselves as more present, relaxed, and genuine fathers. During the weeks without the children, they enjoyed focusing on their social life or catching up with work.

Yes, I have become a more genuine father since we have separated. […] During the weeks the children are with me, my focus is on them and managing daily life with the children. […] I almost feel more like I am reduced to being just a father during those weeks. While I am Oskar, the person, during the weeks I am not with the children. Oskar (42), Sweden, 2 children

Alexander, a German father without joint custody, however, experienced the time without his child as depressing. He is uninvolved in his child’s life until they meet next time. In conclusion, shared residency models seem to work on the condition that joint custody enables fathers to still feel involved even when the children are with their mothers.

From the moment on my child is here, everything else stands still, and as soon as she is gone, it ends. It feels like I am falling into a deep hole […] of course, I am happy because she is happy to see her mother again, that’s fine. But I am coming home, and my flat is so empty like a ghost town. And then this feeling of being a father ends as well because I know until my child returns, I am not a part of her life. Alexander (41), Germany, 1 child

Other reoccurring theme across all interviews was the wish not to be a weekend-father. Many of the participants were caretakers before separation and maintaining an active role in their children’s lives was taken for granted. Spending not only weekends and holidays but also daily life together was identified as crucial to maintain close bonds. Deep and genuine parent–child relationships are believed to be built when tackling daily challenges as illustrated by Lars. Just because everyday life is full of obstacles it was regarded as indispensable for a close father–child relationship. Those fathers only occasionally seeing their children emphasized that they missed taking part in everyday life, and eventually, their relationship had suffered from living apart.

Yes, but that is what I missed back then, spending everyday life together. Things like school and so on, I wasn’t involved at all […] we have gotten to know each other so much better now. Before it was one weekend, XX came on Friday nights, and then we had to be happy and positive and do fun stuff, that is just a different life. We have more conflicts now, we must, it is just more … . it is more real, more genuine. Lars (58), Sweden, 2 children

Among the most challenging aspects of separated fatherhood, the contact with authorities can be listed. The fathers being in contact with authorities made negative experiences in both countries. All of them described feeling left alone and powerless. Additionally, the German fathers felt discriminated because they were fathers, illustrated by Johannes’ experiences with the youth welfare office (Jugendamt). They described being confronted with higher behavioural expectations, such as stricter rules for their emotional involvement in court. Some suggested that emotionality among fathers is likely to suggest incapability and even aggressiveness in front of authorities. The German fathers criticized that conflictual behaviour by the mother was not adequately sanctioned. Contrary to their emotions, many German participants described being forced to act loyal, calm, and subordinate to avoid being sanctioned by authorities. Most of the Swedish fathers involved with authorities did not explicitly feel discriminated as fathers, but they described that their parental capabilities were questioned, whether due to personality or gender remained unclear. In both countries, the fathers had to prove themselves as suitable parents. Like Oskar describes, fathers often had to fight for their legitimacy as a parent while the mothers’ ability was taken for granted.

But sometimes I feel like, for example in school, that I almost have to fight for my position as a parent […] that I have the same legitimacy as the mother, that my role as a parent is worth equally much as the mother’s. Oskar (42), Sweden, 2 children

As a father, one must engage quite a lot, especially in encounters with the authorities. There has been going on quite … a very negative, outdated concept. Back then, they have said things like, it would be totally fine with the youth welfare office if I would meet my children biweekly. And this is far from reality, how it was before, and how it has become now. Johannes (38), Germany, 2 children

Fatherhood and care work

Overall, all participants considered both parents as equally capable caretakers. Some of them were less involved in childcare and housework before separation, but as portrayed by Jens, along the lines of ‘learning by doing’ it was generally argued that caring can be learned over time and through experiences. The necessity to have to take care due to post-separation circumstances assisted in understanding that they are equally capable caretakers.

And those little things like … what do I do when I have to go to the washroom and my two-year child … can I dare to leave it for a moment even though it tends to stick its fingers in the socket? But only knowing that it will be fine … All those things, you must do it ten times and then you know, you can properly assess the risk. But in the beginning, you don’t know, right? […] But of course, you learn it. Jens (50), Germany, 2 children

What is interesting, in both countries, the role of the mother as a ‘gatekeeper’ was intensively discussed (Walper et al., 2020, p. 170). Many participants felt controlled and mistrusted by the mother when engaging in their children’s upbringing, even when sharing care equally. Often, as Oscar explained, feelings of being supervised started before separation and continued to shape their interaction afterward. Some participants described never been seriously considered as an equal parent but rather feeling like a side character. Whilst some got angry and felt misjudged, others started to question their abilities to care. Through being a primary caretaker in shared residency models, some of them could prove their abilities and overcome doubts.

But there we just had to find a balance, where she also had to let go of things and accept that certain things are her own needs, not the children’s needs […] But we had to talk about this, she would have to let go of things so that I could also take the initiative to do some things more often. Oskar (42), Sweden, 2 children

Secondly, by not being involved in primary caretaking or important decisions concerning their children, participants from both countries felt stuck in the role of the financial provider. In Bengt’s case, the geographical distance and the mother’s lack of cooperation hindered him from seriously taking over his role as an equally eligible caretaker.

I did not take on any responsibility other than financially providing … or, well we still have shared custody. […] But it contributed to me feeling very left out, I did not receive any information from the school, even if I had the right to. […] It seemed like she [the mother] listened to me sometimes, but then, in the end, she did what she wanted anyway. So shared custody didn’t really have any significant meaning for me. Bengt (52), Sweden, 5 children

Such narratives were followed by the discussion over the question of whether fathers and mothers care differently. Generally, the fathers talked about two aspects of caring: the practical aspect covering basic needs, and the physical-emotional aspect including meeting social needs, talking, or comforting. While all regarded both fathers and mothers as equally capable of practical needs, some differentiated between male and female physical-emotional caring. They suggested that female and male perspectives complement each other and form a balance, while the physical-emotional part is naturally female and harder to achieve for men. Thereby, the biological differences between men and women were considered as an essential element for these differences in caring and bonding. While many suggested that biological differences could not be overcome, Lars, a Swedish father, explicitly underlined that this is where the gender differences in parenting end. However, his view is rather a minority opinion:

In my opinion, there isn’t anything like, that only mothers can take care of children, that is nonsense. Fathers can take care of children equally well. I think many focus on the fact that fathers cannot breastfeed but then, this is about where it ends. Of course, then, parents contribute with different things. There are different ingredients to parenting and growing up, both a male and female perspective is needed. There are differences, not very big ones, but I think the differences between … I think it actually has more to do with the individual than with gender. Lars (58), Sweden, 2 children

In both countries, a majority research participants had specific ideas about fatherhood. The wish to be a male role model for their children came up in several interviews. Some had difficulties pinning down what being a male role model means, others had concrete ideas such as passing on knowledge about practical things. Some of the Swedish fathers, such as Per, underlined the importance of teaching their children that men are vulnerable and emotional human beings, too.

Then I am also a role model, a male role model of course. […] I want to show that it is okay to have feelings, to talk about feelings, to ask people about difficult things. […] This is something I want to pass on to my child, to dare to show vulnerability, to recognize others. Because then it becomes more real, more genuine. […] This is something I haven’t learned from my father. Per (43), Sweden, 1 child

Lastly, many participants from both countries resonated about whether parenting is predominantly formed by gender or by personality. While some underlined male and female aspects of caring, others attributed certain characteristics of parenting to personality. Günter expressed a reoccurring conclusion: an important impact on children’s upbringing is the combination of two personalities to see different ways of living.

I think that is important for a child, to have two parents, to be taken care of by two parents. To see the differences between the parents because there is not only one way of living. In their way, parents are different, and ideally, there are balancing out each other. Günter (51), Germany, 3 children

Besides the challenge to arrange everyday family life with their children, the ongoing pandemic posed additional obstacles for families. Although not a particular focus of the interviews, most participants mentioned how corona, and particularly the consequences of the measurements, has changed their interaction and caring arrangements with their children. Those depending on contact with the authorities described how legal processes were even slower and more cumbersome than usual. Often this led to even fewer opportunities to see their children than before. For others, however, the pandemic and the flexibility to work from home offered the possibility to become more engaged in their children’s life. This was particularly evident in Germany where schools and preschools were periodically closed. This was an opportunity for the fathers to step in. Although, here again, many fathers underlined how the mother’s willingness to cooperate was decisive for the degree of increased involvement.

Concluding discussion

This qualitative study used data from 12 interviews with fathers from Sweden and Germany to obtain a rich understanding of their experiences of fatherhood after separation. Additionally, men’s understanding of parenting and care work within families was investigated. After separation, families are faced with profound changes in family life. In the past, separation has led to a considerable loss of father–child contact, and mothers are still more often the primary caregiver in both countries. Nevertheless, gender role attitudes have changed, and fathers have become more involved in family life and care work. Based on the analysis and the collected narratives, the study discovered that becoming a father contributed to a sharpened understanding and sense for caring activities. Taking over, even more, caring activities after separation, many described how they learned to care over time and through experience.

In line with previous research, we found support for an occurring gender revolution in family roles (Scarborough et al., 2019). All participants emphasized their wish to be actively involved in family life. For more than half of the fathers, most Swedish and two Germans, being equally involved in family life was unquestionable. The results support that father–child contact after separation has intensified over time, as all participants understood themselves as ‘salient figures’ in their children’s life, equally important as the mother (Amato, 1994, p. 1032). But, as pointed out by Scambor et al. (2014), involved and caring men are not necessarily holding gender-equal values or vice versa. Although we suggested that the results indicate a movement towards gender egalitarianism, the findings are hardly generalizable. Many fathers had gendered assumptions about care work and parenting, supporting Petts et al.'s (2018) conclusion that traditional masculine norms are still considerably shaping fathers’ behaviour. Often, the biological differences between men and women were drawn as an explanation for differences in male and female caring abilities. This supports Suwada's (2017, p. 240) conclusion that the ‘naturalized’ distinction between men and women continues to have a great impact on fatherhood, especially in intact relationships. After separation, however, biological differences lost significance to certain extent at least, because the fathers had to take over responsibilities due to new arrangements or because withdrawing would have meant barely seeing their children at all.

It is important to underline however, that fatherhood after separation is experienced differently. As expected, fathers with non-conflictual relationships made uncomplicated experiences. Nevertheless, most participants had semi-conflictual to conflictual relationships with the mothers and had gone through troublesome separations; their experiences of fatherhood after separation were characterized by feelings of powerlessness, injustice, and dependency. In both Sweden and Germany, they had to rely on external forces such as the mother’s willingness to cooperate, or the authorities’ support to negotiate their role as a father. Often, they had to fight for their legitimacy as an equally capable parent in front of authorities but also their networks. This may suggest that through post-separation fatherhood experiences, that some elements of caring masculinity have been internalized by research participants. This particular theoretical framework suggests that gender equality can be facilitated by integrating care values and positive emotions in men’s identities. Through the actual practice of care work, men learn to develop caring forms of masculinities. Even though many fathers in both countries were not very involved in emotional-physical aspects of caring before separation, they strongly emphasized the aspect of learning caring by doing. In many cases, the post-separation situation confronted them with having to take over all aspects of parental care work. This included both practical and emotional-physical aspects. Therefore, the results support the theoretical assumption that the value of care work can be learned and incorporated; when the fathers had to engage in caring practices, their understanding of it changed. Many not only learned caring over time but also realized the complexity involved. Many fathers profited from shared residency, especially when they were not as involved in childcare and housework tasks before separation. Shared residency arrangements are a particularly good example of how the theoretical framework of caring masculinities works in practice. The findings support the aspect of men who are spending more time on caring for will also start to care about, but also vice versa (e.g. Elliott, 2016; Tronto, 1998). One German participant described how he realized that because he cares about his children, he must also care for them more than he anticipated. Eventually, he was very thankful for this opportunity; the relationship with his children has improved because of them spending more time together, not only occasionally but also during weekdays.

In conclusion, the practical approach proposed by caring masculinities can contribute to developing a more gender-egalitarian form of masculinity. Supporting Björk's (2015) conclusion, some of the fathers discovered caring sides and emotional aspects, especially when sharing care equally. This also supports Suwada’s (2017) suggestion that fatherhood has a transformative effect on male identity by helping to develop more sensitive and emotional aspects of their identities. But as pointed out earlier, caring emotionally and practically for their children does not imply holding gender egalitarian values. In many instances, that understanding of gender roles, especially in the context of parental obligations, suggest that instead of caring masculinity, the notion of protective masculinity is still prevalent in some research participants’ narratives. What is worth mentioning, such notion seems to be strongly supported by the authorities, who, especially in Germany, distrust fathers and encourage them to perform traditional forms of masculinities such as emotion-less, main breadwinner. The other level of state support for protective masculinity, again, especially in Germany, is the post-separation alimony system that in fact forces many men to focus on, predominantly, their breadwinner role. Moreover, according to some research participants, mothers seem to share such beliefs and feel more comfortable with traditional work child-care divisions. In such cases, the evolution of the fatherhood’s model results in the situation of distrust where men are not seen as equally capable caregivers. However, it does not mean that interviewed fathers do not support such model themselves. On the contrary. Those who believe in complimentary male and female gender roles and/or underline biological differences between genders, believe that the father's role is based on passing knowledge to the children or that the emotional part of parenting is naturally female and harder to achieve for men. This may suggest that for these men, caring is limited to Tronto’s caregiving (1998) while caring for and caring about are not equally internalized. Hence, different forms of caring performed by men are not necessarily gender-egalitarian forms of masculinities. Thus, incorporation of caring masculinity elements can path the way for a richer understanding of care, relationality, and interdependence; but based on these findings, it can neither be regarded as a guarantor of gender equality nor as to the most popular type of masculinity.

Regarding the country differences, our findings complement Kalmijn's (2015) results in several ways. Firstly, the author showed that socioeconomic characteristics significantly affect living arrangements – e.g. children from families with high socioeconomic status are more likely to have a co-parenting arrangement. Using a qualitative approach, we cannot confirm the results; nevertheless, many fathers mentioned the difficulty of affording shared residency arrangements. Especially, the German fathers often had to pay alimony while also taking care of their children. The financial aspect was perceived as an additional burden making it more difficult to be as involved as desired.

Secondly, as suggested by Kalmijn (2015), the more egalitarian understanding of gender roles in Sweden possibly provides a more favourable post-separation context, and thus a better basis for practicing shared residency. Sweden’s social-democratic gender regime and thus position as ‘forerunner’ in promoting egalitarian policies were visible in the study (Grunow et al., 2018, p. 48). The Swedish fathers showed more awareness about the interrelation of parenting, gender, and culture. They described how Swedish society strongly expected them to be active fathers, in some cases more than they wished to be. But having incorporated gender-egalitarian parenting ideals, seemed to contribute to a less conflictual post-separation outcome. As suggested by Björk (2015, p. 32), gender equality has successfully entered the discourse on the ‘good Swedish man’, expecting an equal involvement in the household and caregiving of children. In Germany, shared and equal parenting was not equally incorporated in the fathers’ understanding of parenthood.

Lastly, authorities, in general, were regarded as sources of conflict rather than solutions. Even though some Swedish fathers made unpleasant experiences with authorities as well, they did not explicitly accuse the institutions of acting against fathers. In contrast, the German fathers emphasized being discriminated by authorities because they were only the father and not the mother. Many German fathers described dual expectations towards fatherhood (after separation). They underlined how German society has moved past traditional parenting roles, but German authorities, however, are still promoting the mother as the primary caretaker counteracting new forms of fatherhood. Furthermore, finding a suitable family arrangement in Germany was largely overshadowed by conflicts about alimonies. Most fathers expressed a strong desire for justice and equality in front of the authorities. Because they aren’t regarded as equally capable parents in terms of caring, still having to pay full alimony provoked feelings of injustice. Their experiences raise the question of how gender equality between parents can be reached. As suggested by Joshi (2021), discourses in Germany have changed representations of fathers but after being separated, authorities did not support parents equally. Overall, the negotiations about new family arrangements after separation in Germany rather resembled a ‘gender fight’ (in German known as Geschlechterkampf).

Lastly, we are very aware that our study is limited as it only analyses narratives produced by separated fathers, representing specific social groups in Germany and Sweden. Due to the restricted sample of the study, we recommend that future research should focus on including an intersectional sample with more variation across social categories such as race, class, sexuality, and religion to paint a more holistic picture of fathers’ experiences after separation. The narratives are thus co-constructed by the respondents’ specific social context on one side but on the other side also by intersectional power dynamics and interaction between the researcher and the respondent. Additionally, concerning data saturation, the study would have profited from an extended timeframe to carefully recruit participants and thoroughly analyze the interviews and discuss the themes (Kvale, 2007). Time and space restrictions, as well as the ongoing pandemic, made it difficult to recruit a diverse group of participants. In addition, further research would profit from including mother’s and children’s experiences to produce even richer insights into family dynamics after separation. From a parental point of view, separation always involves two perspectives, and couple relationships are characterized by power dynamics which considerably affect the outcome of separation. Involving the perspective of mothers could give worthwhile insights into fathers’ caring practices and draw a richer picture of gender equality within families in contemporary societies. Moreover, many fathers underlined that it is often authorities who are contributing to the conflictual situation with the mother, rather than the mothers themselves. Thus, further research should explore the involvement of institutional actors in negotiating post-separation family arrangements. Most of the German fathers describe how German society has moved past traditional gender role attitudes, but when interacting with the authorities they realized that they have not. Taking part in counselling meetings with the social authorities or interviewing employers of social authorities could provide valuable insights into the lifeworld of separated families.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).