Managing intimacy and distance: an exploration of links between the experience of an observed mother and baby and that of her observer

Abstract

This paper illustrates a new mother's conflict between different modes of parenting and how these are determined by very different states of mind. It explores the observed mother's oscillations between being ‘regulator’, ‘facilitator’ and ‘reciprocator’, the links with regulation of emotional distance and the impact that the different modes have on the mother-baby relationship. The author hypothesises that a parallel experience can occur between mother and observer in which they both seek an external authority in order to regulate or defend against the threat of overwhelming, unconscious, infantile anxieties. The observer was also identified with the new mother. The paper considers how a successful negotiation between the ‘facilitator’ mother and ‘reciprocator’ mother over time can allow for healthy development for both her and the baby and for their relationship.

Keywords:

• observation
• mothering
• regulation
• attunement
• second-skin
• intimacy
• emotional distance
• identification

Notes

1. All names and identifying characteristics have been changed in order to preserve confidentiality.