Could We Be Friends? When a Wish to Be Friends Becomes Part of a Therapeutic Relational Dynamic

Abstract

Psychoanalytic theory and practice have moved toward privileging relational and attachment dynamics as both cause and cure of many of the issues that bring individuals into psychoanalysis and psychotherapy, highlighting the significance of each therapeutic relationship as a key part of the work. But, what is that relationship? We are not parent/child, nor are we friends, but a deep, mutual bond often develops and enhances the process. Fantasies of being friends, emanating from either and/or both participants, can represent important, often unformulated, aspects of this relationship. Psychoanalytic theory has not fully explored meanings of this wish to be friends, but it is my experience that finding ways to reflect on a wish or fantasy to be friends can lead to deeper and more complex understanding of adult attachment. In this article, theory and clinical examples will be utilized to examine resistances as well as contradictions, conflicts, and hopes and fears that come into play when thoughts, fantasies, and wishes to be friends to enter the therapeutic space.

Keywords:

• friendship
• therapeutic relationship
• friendship in transference
• friendship in countertranference
• boundaries
• therapeutic frame

Notes

1 This article is dedicated to William Meyer, a gifted and very special psychoanalyst, psychotherapist, teacher, mentor, and friend.

Additional information

Notes on contributors

F. Diane Barth

F. Diane Barth, LCSW is in private practice in New York City where she works with individuals and couples (including adult child and parent couples) and runs private study and supervision groups. She is a graduate of the Columbia University School of Social Work and was trained as a psychoanalyst and psychoanalytic supervisor at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health. She has supervised and been a training analyst at Postgraduate, NIP, and ICP in New York City. Her articles have been published in the Clinical Social Work Journal, Psychoanalytic Dialogues, Psychoanalytic Psychology, Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Journal of College Student Psychotherapy and other professional journals, and as chapters in numerous books. Her most recent books include Integrative Clinical Social Work: A Contemporary Perspective and I Know How You Feel: The Joys and Heartbreaks of Friendship in Women’s Lives. She also writes for several online magazines, including MSNBC and Quartz, and has a blog on Psychology Today, called “Off the Couch.”