From Perspectival Myopia to Professional Transformation: An Autoethnographic Retrospection of a High School Principal from Nepal

ABSTRACT

This paper presents a re-storied account of my (lead author) decade-long (2007–2017) professional journey as a high school principal in diverse educational settings in Nepal. Using an autoethnographic approach, I have theorized my leadership transformation approaches through professional storytelling, employing critical reflexivity to trace intimate leadership experiences where authoritarian approaches to leadership, disparities, and inequalities in schools run rampant. My perspectival myopia, professional vulnerabilities, and the discrepancies between my leadership ideals and behaviors resulted in issues such as perceptions of disengagement, underperformance, and dissatisfaction on the receiving end, prompting me to contemplate professional transformation. While outlining several significant steps and missteps in transforming my actional and cognitive behaviors, this paper explores my evolution toward a more reflective, democratic, ethical, equitable, and participative conceptualization of educational leadership and underscores the transformative potential of personal-professional development through adaptable perspectives and critical self-reflection, offering valuable insights for educational leaders globally.

Introduction

The Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal lies along the southern slopes of the Himalayan Mountain ranges, including parts of the Indo-Gangetic plain. Although less affluent, with a nominal Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of just above 1,000 US dollars, the country is socially, culturally, and linguistically diverse, with its citizens speaking approximately 123 languages. Despite its diverse sociocultural background, formal education in Nepal has not been easily accessible since its inception, favoring the higher class (caste). Various studies (Devkota & Upadhyay, 2016; Pherali & Garratt, 2014) highlight the inequality in education access and achievement in Nepal, including that many ethnic and caste-based groups and women are denied equal educational opportunities (Sharma, 2020). Despite research findings demonstrating that school performance and educational reforms are associated with leadership quality (Robinson & Gray, 2019), diverse contexts appear to pose a challenge for many Nepali principals. Principals tend to perceive such diversity as a leadership challenge and an added responsibility, perceiving their roles as limited to improving examination results (Chapagain, 2021). This restricted leadership roles and disregarded context-responsive practices, perpetuated long-held inequalities and disparities, and constrained the health of the school culture.

Against this backdrop, this autoethnographic investigation explored my personal-professional “self” as a high school principal in Nepal from 2007 to 2017. My lived experiences included inherited myopic, socially constructed perceptions and practices of what a principal should be. This research allowed me to critically examine my leadership assumptions and reevaluate the notions of “being” and “becoming,” reconceptualizing my “self” through professional stories after encountering dissatisfaction and realizing vulnerabilities that fueled the enduring belief of disparities and detachment.

The following section presents my personal-professional background and research motivation. It then outlines the paradigmatic and philosophical perspectives underpinning this study, before detailing the research design, methodology, and theoretical framework.

Positionality, Reflexivity, and Research Motivation

In a rural village in the Gorkha district, Nepal, I was born into a Hindu Brahmin family, a dominant sociocultural group in the community. My parents were uneducated middle-class farmers from a far-off village who constantly struggled to provide for the educational needs of their four children. Inspired as a child by my parents’ hard work and determination to educate children despite their precarious financial situation, I believed that a career in education would allow me to secure a brighter future for my family while also earning social recognition. Upon completing a two-year teaching program as part of my high school degree, I secured a position as a primary English teacher in 2003. I continued teaching up to high school while striving to earn my Bachelor of Education in English.

Choosing to become an EFL teacher was a fulfilling professional decision. I acquired various information, skills, and pedagogical experiences. Nevertheless, I learned that my influence as a teacher was restricted to a single classroom. I considered influencing several classrooms – possibly the entire school – to embrace a leadership responsibility. My leadership journey began as a school coordinator, where I supported the principal in planning, communicating with stakeholders, and organizing educational activities and events. Subsequently, I had the opportunity to work as a secondary school principal at two private schools in Nepal from 2007 to 2014 and then from 2015 to 2017. In the beginning, I upheld the legacy of authoritarian leadership styles that demanded obedience from both teachers and students, thus perpetuating the longstanding disparities and inequities in education. Halfway through my leadership role, I realized that my leadership style needed a complete shift to accommodate the contextual demands of inclusivity. This prompted me to consider improving as a principal in my evolving educational environment. Thus, this research explores context-sensitive, egalitarian, and empowering leadership approaches, furthering my critical reflections as a transformative principal.

Paradigmatic and Philosophical Perspective

A critical constructivist research paradigm underpins this autoethnographic research. By generating a wide range of knowledge from research contexts (Steinberg, 2014), I produced thick descriptions (Kincheloe, 2005), transmitting experience-guided knowledge. Critical constructivism enabled me to develop critical consciousness as an active knowledge constructor through my personal stories as a principal (Kincheloe, 2005). Writing in my research is a process of inquiry (Richardson, 2000) where my reflexive narratives explore my identities and practices. As an integral part of the phenomenon under investigation, my ongoing internal dialogue actively constructed and reconstructed interpretations of my professional experiences, generating intuitive knowledge through self-awareness (Richardson & St. Pierre, 2018).

Reflexivity is the philosophical principle guiding my research, which involves providing numerous examples and details to co-construct meanings, interrogating my thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions, and exploring how they are interconnected with my actions. I contemplated and included my thoughts, personal reflections, and subjectivity that applied mindfulness, “deepened self-reflexivity, and enhanced trustworthiness” (Lemon, 2017, p. 3305). Reflexivity enabled me to recognize and illuminate my embodied values, personal praxis, and various (dis)empowering practices through critical self-reflection, being honest and open enough to consider my values, attitudes, vulnerabilities, and fragilities (Berry & Taylor, 2017). While presenting my reflexive self, I unveiled inner conflicts attached to my professional self. This led to a journey of heightened emotions, embodiment, self-awareness, and introspection.

Research Design and Methodology

This paper adopts autoethnography as a research methodology to unpack my lived experiences, focusing on the critical moments of my professional journey and raising consciousness to examine deeply rooted thoughts, actions, and emotions (Ellis et al., 2011). As a cultural insider, I adopted “the ethnographic lens and turned it inward, paying conscious and careful attention to the emotional-volitional experiences” (Poulos, 2013, p. 39). Moreover, as evocative narratives, I used “emergent storying of vignettes,” which “colored and textured academic text and opened spaces for critical self-reflection and re-imagining” (Hunter, 2012, pp. 99–100). Applying an autoethnographic approach, I examined my “self” (Berry & Taylor, 2017), as “writing autoethnographic accounts involves self-experience” (Edwards, 2021, p. 1), and an approach that Bochner (2017, p. 76) identifies as relational, and thus “every story of the self.” I acted both as a researcher and a practitioner, seeking to understand what, why, and how of my actions. This paper integrates my leadership experiences, “guided by emotionally productive and epistemically rich elements” (Ploder & Stadlbauer, 2016, p. 754) and serves as a nexus of the ontological and epistemological process (Spry, 2018). Thus, the autoethnographic method of exploring the “self” connected me with what can be known and what is knowable, thereby linking my “personal to the cultural” (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 739). I critically examined my situated self in the social context, aiming to provoke, challenge, and illuminate (Bullough & Pinnegar, 2001), positioning myself as both an “actor” and a “spectator.” In so doing, this reflexive inquiry reveals my leadership journey more deeply while transforming professionally, applying a writing approach that “systematically unpacked and analyzed” my school leadership culture and context (Ellis et al., 2011, p. 1).

Collecting, Processing, and Analyzing Information

This autoethnographic research employed several procedures to facilitate rigor and introspective reflection of my professional experiences as a high school principal in Nepal. The research journey commenced by highlighting the non-linear nature of my professional venture through critical moments and vulnerabilities, focusing on instances with profound impacts on my personal-professional growth. This process involved reflexive retrospection and narratives (Cooper & Lilyea, 2022), evocating my lived experiences, and appealing to the feelings and senses of the readers (Bochner & Ellis, 2022), which were drawn from my day-to-day leadership behaviors and practices. Information generation involved constructing “emergent storying of vignettes” as outlined by Hunter (2012, p. 99), fostering critical self-reflection and reinterpretation of my actions. This reflexive approach provided rich, textured accounts of the experiences, allowing for a more nuanced analysis of the “emotional-volitional” aspects that influenced and characterized my leadership journey (Poulos, 2013, p. 39).

In this autoethnographic research, I played a dual role as both an active participant and a researcher and/or reflective observer, aligning with what Ploder and Stadlbauer (2016) emphasize as the emotional and epistemic richness of elements. This approach allowed me to capture the nuances of the non-linear trajectory of my professional journey, enriching a multifaceted exploration of experiences and their evolution over time. Hence, the autoethnographic design was rooted in my professional experiences that intertwine with the sociocultural context (Ellis & Bochner, 2000). In essence, the entire process of information gathering and analysis adopted a reflexive and narrative approach, revealing and understanding my leadership trajectories, and evolving my career as a transformative principal. The design integrated the emotional and epistemic aspects of the experiences, as recommended by Ploder and Stadlbauer (2016), while drawing from Hunter’s concept of using stories for critical self-reflection (2012) to produce a nuanced analysis of the journey, acknowledging its non-linear progression. The approach, characterized by active participation and reflective observation, aligns with the principles of autoethnography outlined by Ellis et al. (2011), focusing on connecting personal experiences to the cultural and social context, as suggested by Ellis and Bochner (2000).

Addressing Subjectivity: Critical Self-Reflexivity and Self-Critique

Critical self-reflexivity was a fundamental strategy employed to address the inherent subjectivity in this autoethnographic research (Poulos, 2013). This approach involved a continuous process of introspection and self-disclosure, including both the virtuous facets of my professional journey and my vulnerabilities (Berry & Taylor, 2017). By persistently examining and questioning my own biases, assumptions, and motivations throughout the research process, I was able to adopt a critical perspective toward my “self.” This introspective practice helped minimize personal biases and idiosyncratic perspectives, thereby maintaining the rigor of the research (Richardson & St. Pierre, 2018). Moreover, maintaining a reflexive journal was integral to this process as it provided a structured means to document my thoughts, feelings, and reactions as I engaged with my lived experiences. This practice facilitated the identification and reflection on subjective influences, ensuring that my narratives remained transparent and grounded in rigorous self-examination.

Complementing reflexivity, self-critique enabled me to critically evaluate my role and its impact on the research. Through a deliberate and systematic effort to scrutinize my positionality, I continuously questioned my perspectives and decisions, aiming to uncover and mitigate potential biases. This process involved reflecting on my leadership experiences, engaging with contrasting viewpoints, and reviewing existing literature to challenge and refine my interpretations. These practices collectively aimed to enhance the validity and reliability of my autoethnographic findings, ensuring that my insights were balanced with a critical awareness of their limitations and broader cultural contexts (Lemon, 2017).

Theoretical Perspective

This study employed Transformative Learning Theory (TLT) by Jack Mezirow as the theoretical framework to critically examine my leadership assumptions, philosophies, and practices, particularly focusing on how individuals employ critical self-reflection to evaluate and transform their beliefs, methods, and worldviews (Mezirow, 2009). TLT remained instrumental in illuminating the nature of transformative change and the processes through which I shifted my perspectives and meaning-making frameworks as a principal (Jones, 2015). As Taylor (2015) emphasizes, this theoretical framework facilitated a thorough evaluation of my beliefs and values, liberating me from ideological constraints, enhancing self-awareness, and challenging entrenched assumptions and practices.

A central tenet of TLT is the concept of a “disorienting dilemma,” which refers to critical incidents that trigger profound reflection and reveal discrepancies between one’s thoughts and actions (Mezirow, 2009, p. 19). Within this research, the notion of disorienting dilemmas is particularly relevant as it aligns with the inconsistencies identified between my existing leadership practices and those required to bring about transformational change. These dilemmas served as catalysts for deep self-reflection and transformation, prompting a reevaluation of my leadership strategies.

Mezirow’s philosophical underpinnings of knowing and learning underpinned the study, offering a guiding framework to shape the research process and its outcomes. This theoretical perspective enabled a creative and critical reflection on, re-imagination of, and derivation of new meanings from my leadership practices (Taylor, 2015). It facilitated a thorough examination of the strategies I employed within school contexts and the trajectory of my professional transformation. Moreover, TLT’s emphasis on epistemological change was crucial for expanding my capacity for knowledge-building experiences (Kegan, 2000). I critically considered how my leadership strategies addressed students’ needs, reflecting on both existing epistemologies and the epistemological complexities of contemporary learning challenges. This aligns with Kegan’s assertion that meaningful transformation involves addressing current learning demands while anticipating future complexities (Kegan, 2000).

Additionally, Mezirow’s TLT provided a robust analytical lens for examining leadership strategies that aimed to serve the broader interests of diverse sociocultural communities in Nepal (Shields, 2010). This aspect of TLT resonated with my goal of cultivating inclusive and culturally responsive leadership practices. By deeply engaging with TLT, I situated my personal-professional transformation within a broad theoretical landscape, illustrating the convergence and divergence of my experiences with Mezirow’s conceptualizations of transformative learning. Overall, TLT’s emphasis on critical self-reflection, disorienting dilemmas, and epistemological change offered a robust framework for comprehending and navigating my leadership journey. This theoretical engagement enriched the depth of analysis, enabling a thorough examination of the transformative processes that underpin my professional development as a transformative educational leader.

Defining Transformative Leadership in Education

Transformative leadership in education is a “recent and substantively different” leadership approach that primarily seeks positive change in individuals and entire systems, “offering a promising way forward” (Shields, 2018, p. 18). Widely recognized for its “overriding commitment to social justice, equality and a democratic society” (Oord, 2013, p. 422), transformative leadership emphasizes “critical reflection and analysis and to move through enlightened understanding to action to redress wrong” to develop a fair and just society (Shields, 2010, p. 572). Consequently, leadership is considered a critical agency through which leaders act as agents of change by introducing transformative practices in their workplaces (Oord, 2013) and creating socially equitable school systems that offer fulfilling educational opportunities for all students, regardless of their diverse backgrounds (Smyth et al., 2014).

Additionally, Bukusi (2020) suggests that transformative leadership is a process of learning from the past, challenging the present, and creating a new future app. This approach requires commitment and determination to empower oneself and those around them. Transformative leaders practice sustainable leadership and strive to innovate by implementing continuous improvement in student achievement and overall school performance (Fullan & Sharratt, 2007). In emphasizing the importance of practising mindfulness in school leadership roles, Szpakowski (2012, p. 96) explains that this type of meditation is easily achievable: “At our desks, we can set a time to take a break, sit straight, and let the mind rest, anchored by a general of body awareness which becomes a reminder to tune in to the body.” Being physically and mentally healthy is essential for every aspect of transformative leadership (Szpakowski, 2012).

Furthermore, transformative leaders are synonymous with constructive change. As Burns (2003, p. 24) relates, to transform is to “cause a metamorphosis in form or structure, a change into another substance, a radical change,” a change that brings about an “alteration of general practice” as establishing positive, productive, and professional relationships, and engaging them in accelerating and transforming the status of the school is crucial. As Donaldson (2006, p. 69) argues, “strong working relationships grow when leaders demonstrate trustworthiness, openness, and affirmation.” Hence, transformative leaders do not merely substitute one practice for another; instead, they revitalize and reinvigorate the existing system and its traditions with innovative school policies, procedures, and programs that foster relationships, personal wellbeing, and learning.

Perspectival Myopia: ‘Dark Caveats’ of My Principalship

In this section, I critically examine the disempowering leadership approaches that reflect the myopic perspectives of my principalship. Through a detailed discussion and the incorporation of vignettes, I highlight the personally challenging or “dark sides” of my professional career.

Navigating an ‘Autocratic Cruise’

I sometimes describe myself using the metaphor of an autocratic captain steering a despotic cruise through school leadership. I optimized my efforts to delegate control of all school activities and minimized professional ownership to students, teachers, and other staff members, which barely allowed for creative solutions to any issues. I was culturally reproducing the status quo by embracing an authoritarian leadership style (Truong et al., 2017). I expected obedience from everyone involved, requiring them to follow my directions. My dictatorial style created a rigid environment, adversely affecting the morale and wellbeing of teachers and students, particularly when their creative ideas and expertise were disregarded or undervalued. I discouraged teachers from showcasing their constructive lateral thinking and professional creativity. My understandings and practices were, at times, self-centered and highly inflexible. This limitation hindered the overall school culture by restricting collaboration, innovation, and critical thinking, thereby stifling opportunities for transformative educational learning within the school community. My myopia was negatively affecting the overall school culture and educational outcomes (Hargreaves & O’Connor, 2018).

When I stand at the podium facing expectant faces, I notice the teachers hastily stowing away the newspapers they are reading. At the same time, a small clique of teachers swiftly enters the meeting hall. After presenting all the school policies and plans for the upcoming sports carnival, I prepare to leave. In the meantime, a computer teacher blatantly asks, “Sir, isn’t it too challenging to fulfil all these duties in addition to our regular teaching? How can we manage time with these additional tasks?” I am outraged by his comments and instinctively respond, “No questions, please, just do it,” leaving the meeting hall and asking him to see me in my office. This marks the dissenting teacher’s final day at school.

After the computer teacher’s ouster, I faced criticism for the decision, prompting me to retract it to prevent unnecessary disruption in the school. However, the incident was not an isolated event that could be resolved immediately.

Endorsing Exclusion and Cultural Disparities

My diverse cultural background and leadership techniques, which were prevalent within the leadership community in Nepal, greatly influenced my journey. In reflection, I regret perpetuating an inequitable culture and legitimizing disparities. My leadership attitude and behaviors were unjust and unfair; I perpetuated discrimination in explicit or implicit forms – consistent with culturally ingrained directed leadership styles. Consequently, I faced numerous challenges, including achievement gap, absenteeism, and attrition, as Brion (2019) states – indicators of stress resulting in a poor work culture. Moreover, students from minority and underprivileged groups continued to be disregarded, resulting in the loss of their educational opportunities and perpetuating hegemonic social structures (Brooks & Brooks, 2019). My leadership contributed to exclusion, although a culturally responsive leader is expected to challenge exclusionary and marginalizing actions (Khalifa et al., 2016).

Teacher turnover is inevitable for many principals during a new academic session, particularly in private schools. After the committee had interviewed six candidates, we called in the next interviewee who had applied for the primary English language teacher position. After asking a few questions about her academic background and teaching experience, I was convinced that she could be a suitable candidate for the position. However, her sociocultural background unsettled me. Coming from one of the marginalized communities in Terai, I was concerned about her appearance, behavior, and distinctive accent, which reflected her cultural background. Then another committee member asked her if she had ever taught in private schools in Kathmandu. Unfortunately, her answer was “no,” her second negative response. These were now sufficient reasons not to offer her a position.

A few months later, the teacher we had appointed in her place left the school. We struggled to find a suitable replacement for about a month, experiencing significant teaching-learning disruptions. During this time, I reflected on our earlier decision to reject a candidate who had promised to stay at the school for at least five years. I deeply regret the ill-informed decision that aligned with the stereotypical practices of the ruling elites in Nepal, who appeared to be anti-ethnic and anti-minorities, something I never intended to be associated with but unfortunately did.

Additionally, I often adopted the leadership approaches inherited from a previous colonial era that were still tacitly accepted, even though leaders should avoid relying too heavily on borrowed leadership models and instead rely on their contextual knowledge to succeed (Norman et al., 2016). Accordingly, those approaches appeared less effective in terms of student achievement and satisfaction, making only a minimal contribution to my diverse educational system. Although there was a dearth of literature and research conducted within our contexts, which compelled principals to primarily rely on borrowed ideas (Singh & Allison, 2016), there is currently a trend of growing literature in the South Asian landscape (Hallinger & Walker, 2017).

Disorienting Dilemma: A Steppingstone to Self-Actualization

In introspection and retrospection of my early days of principalship, I realized that they were the by-product of our cultural hegemony. As Mezirow (2000b, p. 3) pointed out, “what we know and believe, our values and our feelings, depends on the context in which they are embedded.” Aligning with the concept proposed by Jones and Harris (2014), p. I deliberately adopted and assimilated the stereotypical school leadership strategies as ingrained in my predominant sociocultural assumptions and privileges. I feel that I uncritically inherited those assumptions as a legacy, highlighting my inadequacy to think critically. However, I realized the inadequacies, inconsistencies, and vulnerabilities in my personal and professional behaviors and strategies. At this juncture, I disclose why I was passionate about transforming my leadership perspectives (Mezirow, 2009).

Firstly, overreliance on the borrowed literature on educational leadership proved to be of limited relevance and, consequently, less applicable to our unique situations. Our circumstances called for context-based strategies that could be tailored to our local contexts. Secondly, I believe that educational institutions, particularly schools, contribute significantly to the persistence of unequal treatment by empowering some privileged groups with more authority. Such discriminatory practices should be reformed to make them more equitable and empowering, regardless of caste, religion, gender, language, or cultural beliefs. Schools and their leaders are essential in facilitating constructive reforms. Thirdly, most school administrators in Nepal continue to employ authoritarian approaches to manage team members and maintain complete institutional control over decisions, which reflects the influence of the Global North (Lopez, 2021). This influence includes militarism, economic power, colonialism, and the emerging dominance of China (e.g., Belt and Road). In my opinion, such autocratic leadership negatively impacts the overall performance of schools. My feelings proved true when I repeatedly encountered challenges and dissatisfactions, which provoked a desire for perspectival transformation. Although challenging, I realized that dismantling deep-rooted assumptions and prejudices was essential, and leading equitably was necessary to abolish these conventions and establish systems that are fully aligned with the local context. At its core, I faced a disorienting dilemma (Mezirow, 2009) regarding being a transformative principal in a changing context.

Embarking on Actional and Perspectival Transformation

I challenged some of the traditional norms, values, and assumptions regarding school leadership in Nepal, which were heavily influenced by authoritarian practices and the principles of Confucian thoughts, favoring a dictatorial style. I started questioning my assumptions and changing my behaviors, which became the basis of my perspectival transformation. After years of my professional journey, my critical reflections led me to create the awareness of thinking alternatively. However, this did not happen by chance. After enduring years of inner turmoil, study and work experiences, successes and failures, critical self-reflection, and self-realizations, I found a way to transform my thoughts and actions. This is the foundation of my journey toward personal-professional transformation, a professional niche; specifically, my disorienting dilemma (Mezirow, 2009) was how I could be a more compassionate and efficient principal.

My professional experiences provided me with a deeper understanding of the essence of mindfulness, fostering “openness and curiosity” (Lemon, 2017, p. 3305) toward the reasons behind my behaviors. My “critical self-reflection” was crucial in finding a professional transition by challenging the current disempowering practices (Taylor, 2017, p. 77). As a result, I began to think critically about my motivations for leading, transforming my taken-for-granted assumptions, which Mezirow (2000b, p. 7) refers to as “frames of reference,” making them more context-specific. These considerations inspired me to investigate culturally empowering techniques that could alter my professional “being,” changing my attitudes and behaviors and presenting a “vision of empowerment, inclusion, and interdependency” (Shields, 2020, p. 3). Those experiences helped me understand how self-transformation plays a crucial role in school leadership.

My commitment to transformation gradually equipped me with the attitudes, behaviors, and abilities essential for leadership roles. For instance, I gained knowledge of the skills required to engage with various stakeholder groups, negotiate with higher educational institutions, assign tasks to individuals within the school system, and allocate financial and human resources. I started advocating for humanistic education, promoting a vision of critical thinking in contrast to my school’s banking concept of education; as Zhao (2013) states, humanity is essential for all individuals.

A Journey Towards Transformative Leadership

In this section, I discuss my professional transformation journey (Mezirow, 2009), demonstrating how I evolved my leadership perspectives and challenged the conventional stereotypes prevalent in my school contexts. In line with the transformative leadership philosophy, I unfold how those qualities evolved in implementing equitable and participatory school practices and how I gradually transformed my leadership perspectives and behaviors, thereby confronting and challenging the entrenched stereotypes within the educational landscape of my school contexts. It is crucial to underscore that my journey toward transformative leadership, as outlined in several narratives and vignettes, was characterized by a multitude of challenges, stemming from the necessity for unwavering determination and readiness to undergo significant transformations. These transformative endeavors necessitated the courage to challenge and confront deeply entrenched, often ritualistic, attitudes and normative sociocultural philosophies. This transformative journey, laden with hurdles and endurance, further demanded a critical reevaluation of long-held taken-for-granted attitudes in school leadership. It required an unwavering commitment to fostering equitable and participatory environments, which ultimately led to systemic changes within the schools.

Networking and Critical Reflexivity

After realizing and acknowledging my “flawed” and “disempowering” approaches, I sought information on modern leadership approaches in the 21^st century. I pondered ways to engage stakeholders and empower them to take ownership with respect and compassion. As Leithwood (2007, p. 63) advises, I became more “open-minded, flexible, and persistent since they are as productive to a leader’s development as such formal strategies.” As highlighted by Dhakal, Lummis, et al. (2024), p. I was engrossed in reading success stories of the school leaders working in similar contexts and established active networking to learn from their stories. I observed principals who were unrelenting in pursuing what was best for their students, creating a safe, friendly, and welcoming school culture while providing the best possible learning support systems. These observations deepened my understanding of effective educational leadership, catalyzing the implementation of several practical initiatives. These initiatives included implementing regular feedback mechanisms, establishing a teacher mentorship program, and creating a student council to foster student leadership and voice. Furthermore, I engaged with stakeholders to promote collective ownership of systemic changes, ultimately enhancing student outcomes. My focus was on building a positive school culture and fostering learning environments, as positive school culture strongly correlates with student achievement and improved academic performance (Koçyiğit, 2017). My ongoing self-interactions with “significant others” led me to embrace participative leadership approaches (Azorin et al., 2020; Crawford, 2019). This realization occurred when I understood that the directive behavior of principals could have a detrimental impact on overall school achievement.

Concurrently, a leader requires resilience and support networks that facilitate learning and underpin collaborative and coordinated educational actions (Brown & Flood, 2020); I established an active network that enhanced my leadership skills and supported me in negotiating pervasive issues. Strong networking raises implications for the leaders connected to the networks by “creating a two-way link between the network and wider organization” (Brown & Flood, 2020, p. 16). Additionally, my constant questioning of my assumptions, presuppositions, and perspectives (Mezirow, 2000a), along with reflecting on my actions, allowed me to recognize and scrutinize deeply ingrained leadership stereotypes for potential transformation. Through critical reflexivity, I scrutinized the patterns of my thoughts, behaviors, and actions, considering this process a significant learning experience for my self-transformation. This led to systemic changes, such as the introduction of reflective practice workshops for teachers and the development of a school-wide continuous improvement plan involving teachers and parents, with a focus on inclusivity and student-centered learning.

Advancing Formal Education

Obtaining a higher education degree in Nepal, like in many countries, is believed to be one of the factors that can enhance the skill set of a principal. In line with Liljenberg and Wrethander (2020) and a widely held belief in Nepali academia, my advanced formal degrees enhanced my administration and teaching abilities, expanded my professional networks, and improved school performance. Although there may have been other variables that led to these positive results, research shows that the principal’s role and leadership style impact the nexus between teachers and student learning, which then affects school performance (Bush, 2018; Leithwood et al., 2019). In response to this achievement, we expanded the academic programs, increased student enrollment, and introduced more inclusive programs aligned with local cosmologies and indigenous knowledge (Dhakal, Panta, et al., 2024). We also ensured alignment with global educational standards and developed professional development programs tailored to teachers’ needs. As my professional experience grew, I interacted with stakeholders more positively and gained their trust and support. Importantly, I received calls from neighboring schools asking me to provide their leaders with insights into our school’s success and my transformation. I became curious to learn more about the various aspects of personal and professional growth to tackle the diverse levels of diversity and ongoing challenges in Nepali schools.

Experiential Knowledge to (Re)construct Leadership Behaviors

Upon critical reflection on my leadership journeys, I have identified several stages where I advanced my skills, leadership behavior, and styles by reconstructing my “self” and developing innovative philosophies as part of my journey. I repositioned my “self” by confronting personal attitudes, contradictions, and my lived dilemmas, which, I believe, was a desirable transformation (Mezirow, 2000a). My journey of self-discovery has led to informed critical insights, new skills, humility, virtues, and wisdom that revealed the often-confronting life stories I have created, whether consciously or unconsciously. Through this process of disorientation (Mezirow, 2000a), I challenged myself to pursue better opportunities and new leadership roles. These reflections led to the introduction of collaborative teaching strategies and peer reviews among teachers, fostering a community of practice that supported ongoing professional growth and development. This journey represents a deliberate shift away from the excessive dependence on the American-European Global North perspectives toward adopting context-responsive approaches in leadership development and preparation within the comparable Global South contexts, as outlined by Lopez (2021). This contextual learning process continued because there is a close connection between leadership and the context leaders operate (Brauckmann et al., 2020; Dhakal, 2022; Dhakal et al., 2023).

The following vignette illustrates one of my leadership success stories in building trust and gaining stakeholder support. It reflects on an overwhelming and unprecedented event that occurred over the years.

A line of people is entering the school gate to attend the Parents’ Day program, which is held every two years. The chairman stands beside me behind the library building, which faces the program venue, carefully observing the groups of people arriving as they make their way to the venue. He looked stunned by the number of people arriving at school even an hour before the formal program began and asked if the venue arrangements were adequate. I remained quiet and calm without responding, as I was unable to convince the board members that the attendance figures would be higher than in the previous years. The formal program begins with the national anthem. The number of attendees has already exceeded our planned arrangements. The rooftops and verandas of the nearby houses were crowded with people watching student performances from a distance. The program’s success was unprecedented, and our school board members were astounded by the presence of the visitors and guests. The extent of the success was evident when the program ended, and we realized that the refreshments we had arranged were inadequate to cater to demand.

During the review meeting the following day, all members of the school community, including board members, expressed their gratitude for the exceptional success of the program. I appreciated the collective efforts of the entire school community.

Spiritual Dimensions in Leadership

Inspired by one of my colleagues, I started participating in group meditation programs in mid-2014. My personal and professional lives were both transformed by meditation, which “allowed me to be more alert” in everyday settings (Chödrön, 2000, p. 24), enhancing my physical and mental wellbeing and contributing to personal and professional success. Magnanimity nurtured harmony in school (Bstan-ʼdzin-rgya-mtsho et al., 2016). I spent hours practising meditation, reading enlightenment-related literature, and listening to talks by spiritual luminaries such as the Dalai Lama, Sadhguru (Jaggi Vasudev), J. K. Krishnamurti, and Osho Rajneesh. Their spiritual views transformed my inner values, thoughts on life, and way of living. Spiritual guidance cultivated essential leadership values and influenced my decisions and actions, resulting in significant changes like implementing mindfulness practices in classrooms and staff meetings. This initiative fostered a serene and concentrated school atmosphere. With the belief that spirituality and education are mutually inclusive, spirituality fostered care and compassion-two qualities necessary for taking a proactive approach to life (Stockinger, 2019). I implemented those spiritual virtues in the workplace to resolve unresolved problems through empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, and unconditional love. This demonstrated a combination of personal humility and professional will. My personal and professional lives underwent a positive transformation, gradually increasing my confidence and patience. When confronted with forces that appeared to be disempowering, humility played a significant role in finding solutions that de-escalated difficult circumstances. My tolerant and more inclusive perspective would not have been achievable without my participation in spiritual activities. I worked on setting precise objectives, concentrating on achieving them, and transforming into a more inclusive, proactive leader, and attentive listener. Through an “inside-out approach to learning”–the mindfulness exercises of self-awareness, and emotional awareness, I “changed the way I thought about myself” (Burrows, 2015, p. 136). It raised my consciousness about a transition, which Hick and Furlotte (2009, p. 22) refer to as being “ripe[ness] for transformation” to become a better leader.

Pursuing a Transformative Path

Despite being a novice spiritual practitioner, I pursued the path of non-duality, aiming to eliminate negative psychic imprints and traumas through meditation and mindfulness practices. I was intrigued by those esoteric teachings: kindness, compassion, humility, and inner tranquility. I advised teachers to practice meditation and frequently led my pupils in a brief meditation to help them uncover their true potential as the light of spirituality offers patience, kindness, caring, compassion, and empathy (Stockinger, 2019), inspiring individuals to persevere under pressure.

Due to the positive implications of spirituality, my journey of self-discovery took a new direction, enabling me to cultivate stronger and more amicable relationships with stakeholders. Engaging in spiritual practices fostered a stronger bond among individuals in my educational environment. My genuine care for others and open communication enabled me to earn the respect and trust of my peers. Consequently, they provided me with the motivation and support I needed. I focused on nurturing my inner “self,” prioritizing love, care, compassion, and selflessness; as Houston (2008, p. 8) states, “spiritual energy connects us to our deepest selves.” Arriving at this juncture in my leadership journey, I realized that such spiritual dimensions provided a means to transform my leadership roles. I recognized that incorporating spiritual dimensions could transform my leadership roles. This transformation was evident in the establishment of supportive networks and collaborative partnerships within the school.

Transforming ‘Self’ and ‘Others:’ My Border Crossing

As a developing principal, I transformed my perspective and approach. I was inspired by the notion that “one must undergo a significant shift to reform society and oneself” (Krishnamurti, 2005, p. 97). I critically reflected on my strategies and compared them with prevailing ideas and patterns of educational leadership in Nepal. I discovered that my leadership and thought processes differed from the common perceptions that mainly emphasized directive and non-democratic leadership styles. I felt uncomfortable with the way Nepali school leadership is portrayed in numerous public and dominant discourses. I aimed to overcome the sociocultural barriers ingrained in my professional environment. I started to modify my beliefs and behaviors after encountering some thought-provoking concepts on transformative learning and through my experiential learning. I gradually changed my viewpoints and attempted to bridge gaps caused by race, class, gender, religion, and language inequalities for the “common good” (Daloz, 2000, p. 117). Additionally, I tried to cultivate a culture of support, communication, and cooperation at my school. In line with Szeto’s (2021) findings, these changes had remarkable influences on teaching and learning activities. They included adopting inclusive curriculum practices, implementing anti-bias perspectives in staff recruitment and training, establishing a student advisory board, raising standards across the board, and encouraging inclusiveness.

Virtues of Equity and Collaboration: Yet Another Border Crossing

The transformation process is often disruptive and uncomfortable. My anxiety caused me to adopt more equitable methods as a principal once I became aware of the inadequacies in my leadership that excluded a specific set of individuals. I understand the importance of highlighting the value of multiple cultures through inclusivity, acknowledging and embracing the essence of indigenous cultural traditions, and respecting and celebrating sociocultural and linguistic diversity (Sharma, 2020). This knowledge helped me create a more egalitarian culture at the school that offered everyone respect, consideration, and opportunity. Democratic ideas of “collectivism, welfare, and the common good” motivated me to advocate for fairness (Trujillo et al., 2021, p. 2). Additionally, I endeavored to ensure equity through my flexible interventions, transforming staff members’ perspectives and enhancing their behavioral skills to promote equity by fostering collaborations and strengthening relationships with stakeholders. We observed various holidays from different ethnic and religious traditions and utilized inclusive teaching-learning resources. Additionally, we avoided making biased assumptions when hiring staff, regardless of their socioeconomic status or cultural-philosophical framework. As an ethical leader, I aimed to encourage students and teachers in all aspects of their academic and professional lives to strengthen their desired behaviors.

Leveraging Teacher Efficacy, Enhancing Teacher-Student Dynamics, and Student Outcomes

Collaborative engagement with teachers was fundamental in driving positive transformation within the school (Lummis et al., 2022; Morris et al., 2019). Analyzing both relevant literature and my experiences, I recognized that collaborative efforts are essential for co-constructing knowledge and fostering supportive educational environments. As the principal, I endeavored to become a more visible leader; however, the real strength resided in the combined efforts of stakeholders, such as teachers, students, parents, and other community members. These stakeholders performed countless acts of enabling, supporting, and facilitating, which were crucial for the school’s success. Similarly, I implemented network-based strategies to enhance teacher engagement by immersing myself in a web of relationships (Ospina et al., 2020). Teachers were encouraged to share best practices and innovative teaching methods by creating collaborative professional learning communities. For instance, we established fortnightly professional development sessions where teachers could discuss their challenges and successes, thereby fostering a culture of continuous improvement. This collaborative approach to learning and problem-solving drew on a wide range of knowledge and increased the likelihood of successful decision-making (Bush, 2019). Consequently, teacher morale and efficacy improved, as evidenced by enhanced classroom management and instructional practices.

Leadership, for me, has evolved into a group effort, which I sometimes misinterpreted as individual success and a single-minded attempt. I now consider interdependence as a crucial component of leadership. At this stage, I concur with Browne-Ferrigno (2016) that strong principal leadership is crucial for implementing reform measures effectively. Equally important, however, are the roles of other stakeholders, particularly the teacher leaders collaborating with principals. This realization led to the creation of collaborative professional learning communities and joint decision-making processes within the school, which enhanced teacher-student dynamics and improved student outcomes. Teacher-student dynamics were enhanced through collaborative decision-making processes and the establishment of student councils. By involving students in the decision-making process, we promoted a sense of ownership and responsibility among them. For example, the student council launched peer mentoring and tutoring programs, which not only supported academic achievement but also fostered positive relationships between students and teachers. This initiative resulted in increased student engagement and participation in school activities, fostering a more dynamic and inclusive school culture. Student outcomes improved as a direct result of these transformative leadership practices. For instance, standardized test scores and overall academic performance showed significant improvement, aligning with the school’s commitment to fostering a supportive and equitable learning environment. Furthermore, the improved teacher-student dynamics led to a more engaging and responsive educational experience, ultimately resulting in better educational outcomes. The evolution of leadership into a collective effort underscores the importance of interdependence and collaborative practices in achieving sustained educational success. Adopting what Fletcher (2004) refers to as a “post-heroic model of leadership” and emphasizing social reliance networks, I fundamentally transformed school practices, teacher engagement, and student outcomes. This approach not only facilitated effective reform measures but also highlighted the essential roles of all stakeholders in the educational process.

Limitations

While this autoethnographic inquiry serves as a transformative tool for my professional development and provides significant insights for contemporary and future educational leaders in comparable sociocultural contexts, several limitations must be acknowledged. Despite employing critical self-reflexivity and self-critique to mitigate biases and subjectivity, the study is inherently influenced by my unique perspective and experiences. Consequently, these insights, though valuable, may not comprehensively represent the full spectrum of leadership experiences across the broader educational leadership landscape. Furthermore, the specific sociocultural nuances of the Nepali educational context may limit the generalizability of the findings. To draw broader, more generalized conclusions, further research should include a more diverse array of educational leaders from various cultural and contextual backgrounds. Such expanded studies would enhance the understanding of leadership dynamics and ensure the applicability of findings across various educational environments.

Conclusion and Implications

This autoethnographic exploration of my school leadership journey has painted a multifaceted portrait that captures the diversity of experiences, encompassing the “good, the bad, and the in-between stories.” The narratives and reflections presented herein have offered profound insights into the attitudes, background, beliefs, and values that collectively shaped my leadership perspectives and roles. This journey taught me to dismantle traditional trajectories, overcome challenges, and learn from despair and unhappiness (Roberts, 2016). Ideas emerged from the stakeholders’ immeasurable support in various situations, including conversations with teachers, parents, and even students who lived the culture. Hence, this reflective journey, grounded in the context of Nepal’s educational leadership landscape, underscores the complex interplay of personal transformation and the broader educational milieu. By depicting my principalship as a blend of successes and failures, steps and missteps, and ethical and deceitful experiences, this study demonstrates how these encounters contributed to my professional development. Reflecting Shields and Hesbol’s (2020) fundamental constituents of transformative leadership, I restructured and reframed my beliefs and strategies to foster a more democratic, participative, and equitable environment, thereby promoting a welcoming atmosphere in the school. This realization necessitated adopting contextual, egalitarian, and participatory leadership practices, as articulated by Montuori and Donnelly (2018), who advocate for a “participatory process of creative collaboration and transformation” (p. 1). Through critical reflection and reflexive actions, I have experienced substantial professional development.

The theoretical and practical implications of this study are multifaceted, holding relevance within and beyond the sociocultural and educational context of Nepal. Delineating my journey from a naive, inexperienced professional to an effective change agent, the findings highlight the transformative potential within educational leadership, emphasizing the significant role of critical self-reflection and self-realization in guiding leadership behaviors and strategies. Hence, the insights gained from this study contribute to existing theories of educational leadership and transformative learning by demonstrating the dynamic and evolving nature of leadership practices. By engaging deeply with Mezirow’s TLT, this research illustrates how disorienting dilemmas and critical reflection can serve as catalysts for profound personal and professional growth (Mezirow, 2009). Similarly, it challenges conventional hierarchical approaches to leadership by advocating for a more democratic, participative, and equitable approach, aligning with Lopez’s (2017) emphasis on diversity as an asset.

Moreover, the central tenets of transformative leadership – self-awareness, adaptability, and the capacity for critical reflection – are universal and transcend geographical boundaries. This research underscores that leadership transformation is not confined to a particular region or culture but is a journey that educational leaders worldwide can undertake. The experiences, disorienting dilemmas, and lessons shared in this autoethnographic retrospection offer valuable insights for leaders encountering similar challenges and seeking strategies for professional growth and transformation. Despite the contextual specificity, leadership development programs can benefit from the insights this study offered by encouraging aspiring leaders to challenge conventional approaches and embrace a more inclusive and participatory approach. This not only enhances individual leaders’ effectiveness but also fosters a more equitable educational environment.

In conclusion, this autoethnographic exploration offers a rich tapestry of leadership experiences and transformative insights. It underscores the potential for leadership evolution, serving as evidence of the adaptability and resilience of educational leaders. The theoretical contributions of this study challenge existing paradigms of educational leadership and transformative learning, offering a nuanced understanding of how critical self-reflection and adaptability can drive professional growth. While acknowledging the inherent subjectivity and cultural specificity of the study, the implications extend globally, inviting educational leaders to act as agents of change. This reflective journey underscores the collective potential for a more inclusive, participatory, and equitable educational leadership community in schools.

Coda

This paper involves the autoethnographic narratives of the lead author. However, the coauthors provided perpetual encouragement, thorough guidance, critique, writing support, and significant input in editorial and stylistic adjustments.

Disclosure Statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author(s).