‘We're just not friends anymore’: self-knowledge and friendship endings

Abstract

A long standing argument in philosophy purports that friendship plays a considerable role in our self-knowledge and perspectives on the world, much of which can be accredited to the enduring influence of the Aristotelian conceptualisation of friendship. More recent thinking on friendship terminations has given cause to rethink and clarify the basis of such suppositions. This has particular relevance within the realm of childhood where 'friendship termination' is considered a common experience. This article seeks to remind us that friendship can also blind us to the faults of others. We may believe the friend to share the same set of values and commitments, but we can be wrong: we may see our friend through the proverbial rose-tinted glasses and fail to spot the ways in which the friend actively damages our well-being. I concentrate on four interlinked grounds for dissolving friendship (estrangement, change, mistaken friendship and false friendship) within the realm of childhood so that we can better examine the role of school policy in this area.

Keywords::

• Friendship ending
• children
• self-knowledge
• self-disclosure
• Aristotle

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Patricia White and Andrew Stables for their kind comments on previous drafts of this paper. Many thanks to the two anonymous reviewers for their comments and helpful suggestions.

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the author.

Notes

^1. For example, a head teacher in the UK was widely reported in the press in 2013 as claiming that children should be discouraged from forming ‘best friendships’ so as to avoid the pain and upset caused by fallings out: see http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/10031299/Children-shouldnt-have-best-friends-private-school-head-argues.html

^2. This is not to argue that self-disclosure is the only feature of friendship, but to consider the particular role this plays in our self-knowledge and self-validation.

^3. For young children, whose friendship selections may be influenced by parental dictations of movement or activity, or for whom parental geographic relocations take place, this may mean they have little say over friendship maintenance.

^4. It would then be an inappropriate concept for those situations of day to day separations, where contact may be maintained by other means (phone, email, Skype, letters, for example). These lack only the geographic absence but not the psychological absence needed for estrangement.

^5. BFF: ‘Best friends forever’

^6. The previous version of the National Curriculum stated in Aim 2 that ‘The school curriculum should aim to promote pupils’ spiritual, moral, social and cultural development and prepare all pupils for the opportunities, responsibilities and experiences of life' (DfE 1999, 11).

^7. Considerable research seems to suggest that teachers may often be unaware of bullying incidents for example as the behaviour tends to be hidden from adult supervision (Pellegrini 2002)