Identities in Conflict: Forging an Orthodox Gay Identity

ABSTRACT

Until very recently, the notion of a gay or lesbian Orthodox Jew would have been considered an oxymoron. However, today there is a critical mass of gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews. Their self-identification with both the gay and lesbian and religious communities requires some reevaluation of the issues and challenges they present not only to the latter communities but also to mental health professionals. For mental health professionals attempting to address the needs of this population, it is useful to understand the unique philosophical, psychological, and social tensions that can arise for Orthodox gay people. How do gay and lesbian Orthodox Jews come to terms with the inherent tensions and internal contradictions posed in trying to balance a traditionally Orthodox lifestyle with one that affirms their sexual identities? How do these men and women attempt to resolve their value conflicts? What factors contribute to their decision to remain in this difficult position? What does a double-life look like?

This paper, based on the author's clinical practice, is an initial attempt to address these questions and to explore some of the unique cultural features, experiences, reactions, and challenges facing the Orthodox gay man and lesbian. These include difficulties such as delay in the coming out process, an increased sense of guilt and betrayal, the impact of the Holocaust, and increased isolation and difficulty acclimating to secular gay communities. The paper addresses particular issues that come up in treatment of Orthodox Jewish gays who experience great pressure to conform to communal norms, such as the of risk much grief and loss if they come out and theological questioning. The paper makes note of untoward consequences in the Orthodox community, such as an increased tendency to seek out sexual conversion therapies and the transmission of HIV by closeted, married Orthodox Jewish men. This paper mentions existing networks of Orthodox gay and lesbian Jews and makes note of the unique role of the Orthodox Jewish therapist in treating gay and lesbian patients.

KEYWORDS:

• AIDS
• community
• dissociation
• gay
• HIV
• Holocaust
• homosexuality
• lesbian
• mental health
• Orthodox Judaism
• religion
• sexual conversion therapy
• stigma

Naomi Mark, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, was trained at the Columbia School of Social Work and at the Ackerman Institute for the Family. She also served as the Director of the Mental Health Project of the documentary film Trembling Before G-d.

Notes

¹ In the secular world, for example, it is known that socially conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly and Vice President Dick Chaney are parents of gay children; former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich's sister is a lesbian, as is the daughter of Representative Dick Gephardt—not at all to the detriment of their relatives' prominence or careers. In the Orthodox Jewish establishment, there are yet to be such examples of an Orthodox rabbi, teacher or religious role model accepting an openly gay and Orthodox relative.

² The fact that gay people can and do reproduce is not part of the equation.

₃ This is not intended to reductionistically attribute the whole of their spiritual searching to conflict around sexuality, although it may be a contributor.

⁴ Dubowski is the director of the award-winning film Trembling Before G-d; Greenberg is in the film and author of Wrestling with God and Men: Homosexuality in the Jewish Tradition.