Coming out when a partner dies? Challenges faced by older women who grieve a same-sex partner

ABSTRACT

In a constructivist framework, bereavement experiences are seen as following individualised trajectories. Older individuals who lose a same-sex partner often face additional layers of complexity. At times, they must contend with disenfranchised grief, when, for example, their loss is not recognised.

From an intersectional perspective, older women grieving a same-sex partner are thought to face specific challenges, but research about their experience is scarce. To explore the particularities of their social location, we held 18 semi-directive interviews with 10 women over the age of 65 from the Greater Montreal area, in the province of Quebec, Canada. A thematic analysis of the data was conducted.

Our results show that older women in same-sex relationships can face difficulties related to the need to name their sexual identity when their partner dies. Following their loss, they may struggle to be and remain visible as a widow. They may also face obstacles, both external and internal, in securing the support they need. We contextualise our results with descriptions of our participant’s varied narratives. The diversity of trajectories is considered in light of the complex interactions between age, sex, sexual identity, and their impact on our participants’ visibility.

KEYWORDS:

• Same-sex relationship
• bereavement
• sexual identity
• ageing
• qualitative research

Disclosure statement

No potential conflict of interest was reported by the authors.

Notes

1. The acronym LGBTQ is widely used to refer to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer individuals. However, to date, a majority of research projects about ageing in sexual minority communities has focused on gay and lesbian individuals. To best reflect this literature, we use the same terms as authors to define their project’s participants. Therefore, the LGBTQ acronym is only used if a research project includes bisexual and transgender individuals.

2. Internalised homophobia has been defined as encompassing both the interiorisation of society’s negative attitudes and the reflection of an individual’s own negative attitudes towards homosexuality (Newcomb & Mustanski, 2010).

3. While we chose the wording ‘identifying as’ in an attempt to be inclusive of trans-women, only cisgender women contacted the research team. Readers interested in the ageing experiences of trans-lesbian individuals can refer to Witten (2015).

4. As noted by many authors (e.g. Deevey, 1997; Ingham et al., 2016), women in same-sex relationships do not all identify as lesbian. Some may identify as bisexual, as trans-lesbian, or have a sexual identity which is fluid over time (Diamond, 2007) . We gave participants the option to self-identify and respect their self-descriptions by referring to same-sex relationships, an expression independent of self-identification (Hackl, Boyer & Galupo, 2013).

5. This delay was set for ethical reasons, to make sure participants had time to start processing their loss before being interviewed.

6. For example, in the Results section each quote is accompanied by the age of the participant along with the year when her partner died (e.g. ‘Ann, 70, d.2000ʹ).

Additional information

Funding

This research is supported by Fonds de recherche du Québec – Société et culture [256492].

Notes on contributors

Valerie Millette

Valerie Millette is a PhD/PsyD candidate in the Psychology Department of University of Quebec in Montreal (UQAM). She is leading a qualitative research project on the experience of older women who grieve a same-sex partner, which received funding support from the Fonds de recherche du Québec – Société et culture (FRQSC). Her research interests include LGBTQ ageing, critical gerontology, diversity and exclusion.

Valerie Bourgeois-Guerin

Valerie Bourgeois-Guerin is a clinical psychologist and professor in the Psychology Department of University of Quebec in Montreal (UQAM). She completed a Masters in Social Intervention with a Specialisation in Death Studies and a Doctorate in Psychology, both at the University of Quebec in Montreal (UQAM). Her research interests include grief, suffering, end-of-life, communication, as well as the body and temporality as they are experienced by older individuals.