Breadcrumbs for Family: How Gender Nonconforming, Non-Binary, and Transgender Adults Give and Receive Gender Messages

Abstract

Using a phenomenological framework, we interviewed gender nonconforming, nonbinary, and binary transgender (GNBT) youth and young adults on the topic of disclosing non-cisgender identities within families of origin. We found that before a formal conversation and declaration takes place, there are subtle and unconscious in/formal hints of identifying as something beyond the bounds of cisgenderism. We call these precursors “breadcrumbs.” These crumbs of gendered truths function to consciously test the relational waters while simultaneously subconsciously understanding familial gendered expectations. While there are some positive reactions from family to these breadcrumbs, GNBT youth often experience conflict, disappointment, and moments of rejection as they test the boundaries of what is possible within their families’ understanding of gender norms.

Keywords:

• Transgender
• nonbinary
• gender non-conforming
• coming out
• disclosure
• phenomenology

Acknowledgments

This paper could not have been written without the foundational ideas and efforts of Lucy Gleysteen and Harim Jung. We are also grateful to Causha Spellman for their contributions to our discussions and analysis and to Nathan Niyitrai for his research assistance. We are also indebted to the SexGen Lab members in the School of Social Policy and Practice for feedback, encouragement, and workshopping the foundations of this larger research project.

Disclosure statement

The authors have no conflicts of interest to report.

Notes

1 We use “family” in the sense of upbringing and primary agents of socialization. While this often refers to parents and siblings within a nuclear-family style structure, we rarely, if ever, gave participants a container or definition. If distinctions are necessary between chosen family and family of origin, we will provide differentiation. Another note about language: We use “LGBTQ+” to represent everyone who identifies their gender and sexualities as something beyond the bounds of cisgender and heterosexual. We acknowledge this term may communicate identities, communities, geographies, hierarchies, and relationships depending upon the context. Please see fit to substitute whatever queer and trans acronym works best within your relationships and community when referencing this work.

2 We use “we” in this manuscript in two ways– to refer to ourselves as researchers and also to refer to ourselves as people who hold queer and GNBT identities and, more generally, people with complicated relationships to gender. This second use of “we” is unconventional in academic publications and gets at the heart of the “queering” we intend by challenging the traditional binary of researcher and participant. We also use “we” to invite all readers to see themselves in some part of this story, regardless of identities. Everyone has a gender experience. We disclose the boundaries and possibilities of our gender performance and embodiment, trangender and cisgender people alike. And while each of us has a different experience, we are unified in our collective liberation from predetermined cultural scripts around gender (and race, class, and ability), which limit our full humanity. As researchers, we honor the interconnectedness of our combined destiny by rejecting the fallacy of social neutrality or impartiality and that cisheteropatriarchy only negatively impacts GNBT populations.

3 In this study, we spoke with young adults who reflected on their experience as children, adolescent, and young adults; we did not interview anyone under 18 years old.