The Downside of Friendship: Sources of Strain in Older Women's Friendships

ABSTRACT

This article explores sources of strain in older women's friendships. We know a fair amount about the salutary effects of women's friendships, but little about sources of strain and tension. What we do know comes from quantitative studies where subjects respond to lists, categories, or sets of exchanges, not open-ended descriptions of conflict. This project begins to fill that gap by giving voice to older women's understandings of the downside of friendship. Twenty-six older women were intensively interviewed about their friendships and their responses were analyzed using grounded theory methodology. Strain was linked to disruption of expectations associated with friendship, including expectations that friends will: (1) share similar interests, personal habits, and friends; (2) be trustworthy; (3) be honest; (4) not exploit one another; (5) live close by; (6) not be overly dependent; (7) share similar social statuses; (8) not be “whiney or demanding” when ill; (9) maintain balance and reciprocity in their friendships; and (10) tease only for fun. Most older women chose to avoid conflict rather than to openly confront their friends when they felt hurt or disappointment.

KEYWORDS:

• Friendship
• strain
• conflict
• expectations
• older women