The legacy of those we love(d) and lost

The benefits of strong intimate relationships for women’s lives are so well-documented at this point in the literature that scholars, practitioners, and policymakers alike have all devoted considerable resources to promoting these relationships (Kiecolt-Glaser & Wilson, 2017; Newton et al., 2015; Umberson & Montez, 2010). However, the foundation for such a conclusion is based in large part on a static understanding – both conceptually and methodologically – of women’s relationships at a particular point in time. In contrast, the papers in this special issue persuasively argue that scholars need much more fluidity to truly understand the nature and impact of intimate relationships on women later in life. From capturing how dynamics earlier in our relationships influence our current functioning in sometimes unexpected ways (Bulanda et al., 2021; Gallagher & Stokes, 2021; Thomeer & Ostergren Clark, 2021), to recognizing how our intimate relationships shape our identities and experiences whether we are still with those partners or not (Allen & Goldberg, 2021; Stemen et al., 2021), to thinking more broadly about how our intimate relationships are embedded within our connections to others (e.g., friends, families; Ermer & Matera, 2021; Lavender-Stott, 2021), this set of papers makes a compelling case that to understand the future of women’s intimate relationships, scholars must first consider the complexities of women’s past and present relationship experiences. In doing so, we can begin to develop a more comprehensive, and arguably more accurate, picture of the role of intimate relationships in older women’s lives.

Perhaps best illustrating the need for a more dynamic take on the effects of intimate relationships on older women were the set of papers that considered the dyadic links between marriage and health later in life. For example, the work of both Bulanda et al. (2021) and Gallagher and Stokes (2021) suggest that women are particularly sensitive in comparison to men to variations in the quality of their marital relationship – both within and across couples. Drawing from the nationally representative, longitudinal Health and Retirement Study, these papers show that the boundaries between the relationship with one’s partner and one’s own cognitive and emotional well-being appear far more permeable for wives compared to their husbands. Offering a potential explanation for why women’s outcomes would be so much more intertwined with their relationship functioning than their husbands’ is Thomeer and Ostergren Clark (2021) fascinating qualitative analysis of the support dynamics that develop over the course of the marriage. It appears that for many couples – even those that are characterized by mutual support – women take on an active role in the management of both spouses’ well-being, and collectively this set of papers suggests that in so doing, there may be unintended consequences later in life.

Another inadvertent consequence of having women’s well-being so entangled with their experiences in their intimate relationships is that the loss of these relationships, be it through the passing of one’s partner or through relationship dissolution, continues to reverberate through women’s lives for years to come. For example, in a powerful case study, Stemen et al. (2021) demonstrated that not even death could reduce the role of a husband in a woman’s life. In fact, the manner in which the husband died appeared to cement his central role in her life even further, suggesting that scholars not only need to attend to the dynamics of an intimate relationship when it is occurring but pay closer attention to how it ended. A similar conclusion can be drawn from Allen and Goldberg (2021) groundbreaking work on lesbian adoptive mothers in which they showed how women’s emotional well-being is strongly tied to how well they adapt to no longer being with their romantic partner. Not only must these women handle the responsibilities of continuing to provide care for their children, they must now do so while negotiating the ambiguous and often painful landscape of dealing with their ex-partners. For these sexual minority women, they must navigate these stressors in a society that has been slow – or in fact outright resistant – to recognize their individual identities and how these intersect with structural forces.

Possibly as a response to this lack of societal support, Lavender-Stott’s (2021) compelling paper reveals that many older sexual minority women have turned away from relying solely on intimate relationships for their fulfillment to instead construct a complex network of individuals that they can rely on for their current and future needs. Despite the fact that these women have a rich support network, this paper illustrates that these women are still defined by their intimate relationships – or more precisely, the lack thereof. Though these women may be classified as “single” and therefore marginalized, this work demonstrates that intimate relationships are only one piece of a woman’s life and that treating them as the pinnacle is not only inaccurate, but can reinforce and exacerbate disparities in access to resources. Nicely tying this work together, Ermer and Matera (2021) provide further support that our connections to others are often inextricably tied to both our current and previous connections with intimate partners. Not only do women’s marital histories seem to shape how they connect with their friends, it also may determine how much care they both provide and receive. Again, with intimate relationships being lionized both in research and current policies, this set of papers shows the seemingly unintended consequences of not acknowledging the important role that other key individuals can play in our lives. Without supporting a diverse network of connections, not only do we run the risk of providing inadequate resources for those actually doing the critically important care work for women in later life, we may inadvertently encumber the intimate relationship itself with too much pressure and too many burdens, which women appear to primarily shoulder.

In conclusion, although it may seem paradoxical to end an introduction to a special issue on the role of intimate relationships in older women’s lives by cautioning against overstating their importance, we contend that having a healthy balance of ties is not only more inclusive of all women’s experiences later in life, it in fact provides more reasonable expectations for our closest relationships. Indeed, it is clear from this set of papers that intimate relationships play an inarguably key role throughout our lives, and that even those individuals who have been loved and lost continue to shape older women’s outcomes. Such a conclusion is consistent with the seminal social convoy model (Antonucci & Akiyama, 1987), which proposed that people move in and out of our lives throughout the life course. Yet scholars’ historically rather singular focus on with whom individuals are currently romantically partnered has underestimated the importance of many other ties, including past intimate relationships, on current functioning and connections to others. Thus, broadening our understanding is not only necessary to move the field forward, but also to better capture the rich tapestry of older women’s lives.